Chimp Don't feel like working today? Just grab any one of these 100 handy excuses and you'll be totally job free in no time!
Top and/or Bottom 100


1. Dood... I woke up this morning with no freaking feet... I'll try to get someone to carry me in tomorrow.
-Freak head -

2. Sir, I am having vision problems today. I can't see myself coming to work.
-scott & ratfink -

3. Theoretically, the class met at the appointed time. However, I adhere to the philosophy of solipsism, and therefore since I was not in class, for the the class had no subjective reality to it. Since the damn thing wasn't real, can you honestly be so bold as to say I should have attended it? Don't you think that's a little high and mighty of you?
-Shannon the Disgruntled Hokie -

4. I went to get a book and never came back I told the instructor I had to reach across the bed to get it and fell asleep.
-Dave -

5. Gosh, er, I won't be coming into work today. See, there was this Wild Turkey running about the house and he and some guy named Jim Beam kept taunting me. Then Old Grand Dad showed up. Well, by the time Jack Daniels came in, I really needed a bucket. So, er, who's this again?
-simian -

6. I allredy no everything sew i dont nead to go to schoool anymour.
-Rachael -

7. I still had a few hours left with the prostitute, so I stayed home and had wild gratuitous butt sex.
-WhiteFireDragon -

-/\/\eerkat -

9. Well, I've come down with Ebola, but if you really want me to come in...
-Kat -

10. Broken today. Thanks for asking.
-Gribbly -

11. (To your boss:) I was busy arranging a funeral all day, I wanted too dig a hole in the back garden for my recently departed 500 pound devil-worshipping mother, she had a sex-change you should know and I just couldn't decide whether I should bury her next to my male or female guinea pigs (if he looks at you with disbelief you should add: so I decided on a microwave cremation but after the firemen left it was past 5:00 p.m.)
-Johnny B. Bad -

12. I wanted to come in but I had a severe case of Chronic Gravitational Disorder... couldn't get my ass out of bed.
-anonymous -

13. Right when I came out of the house a rabid dog came and bit my wooden leg...of course I also keep my homework in the wooden leg, so I don't have that as well. What? This leg? It's a spare! I swear!
-anonymous -

14. MTV was running a Spice- girls marathon, and I had to lift my T.V. out of the window all by myself.
-Sarah Sweet Tits -

15. No really I was here, I was just hiding. under my invisible jacket.
-Sam -

16. I was on my way to school when I decided that the only reason that I go to school is that we are taught to think for ourselves so once we start thinking then we don't need to go to school and the revelation that I was actually thinking of something deep and meaningful caused my brain to overheat and so I had to relax for 24 hours
-yogi -

17. I sat for hours with a blank stare on my face looking at a cartoon of an onion while I came up with this meaningless answer. Honest!
-Doc -

18. I thought it was still yesterday... I must have crossed the International Date Line in the wrong direction...

19. I was secretly working with NASA on a comet deflection shield.
-ubetcha -

20. I was all set to come in to work today, took a shower, combed my hair, put on a happy face.......but damn, if my leprosy didn't flare up again!!!!
-Wicked Wench -

21. "Boss? Yeah, I'd come in today but the bomb under your seat is going to go off in ten seconds anyhow. And by the way, I fCENSOREDd your wife.
-Hearth Cat -

22. I was abducted by aliens for 24 hours and instead of going back in time to drop me off when the found me, they just dropped me off as soon as they were finished with my body (those lazy bums). Would you like to see my anal probe?
-Malissa -

23. I'm celebrating "National Lobotomy Day."
-worm -

24. I was sitting at home masturbating, and my usual lubricant was switched with rubber cement! -

25. I was telecommuting...Didn't you get my e-mail?
-Heidi -

26. Dear Boss: If I came to work today, I would have killed you. I stayed home for your sake, really.
-Mad Anthony Wayne -

27. Sorry but I will not be able to make it to work today due to my lack of a pulse.
-shatsky -

28. I just killed my neighbor, so I have a few legal things to take care of.
-I can't tell, my lawyer said not to admitt anything -

29. Minor decapitation
-jcobabe -

30. "I'm sorry I didn't make it! My car broke down; I ran out of gas; I didn't have enough money for a cab; my Mother died; I had to go to the doctor; There was an earthquake; There was a giant flood!!!!!! It wasn't my fault!!!!
-Jon (stolen from John Belushi) -

31. I was Bill Gates' love slave this weekend and, well, I needed to spend Monday savoring the memory.
-De Ole Sarge -

32. I can't come in cause I've got my phallus stuck in a poodle and I can't find pants big enough to hide it.
-Hearth Cat -

33. My neck broke as I tripped over the obese kids that were playing in the mud pool in their backyard.
-Tumbleweed Joe -

34. "There was a 24 hour Rocky and Bullwinkle marathon on Cartoon Network." (One of my friends actually used this.)
-Captain Pyro -

35. Attacked by Rabid Monkeys (We have a lot more of them this year...with El Niño, you know...)
-Nanda! -

36. Tell 'em you have a temperature. (What employers and teachers don't realize is that everyone has a temperature).
- Jadie -

37. I've got a(nother) rodent lodged in my rectum.
-Richard Gere -

38. Alien Abduction while watching a rerun of the X-Files in Roswell...
-Poon TANG!!! -

39. My Mummy died, my daddy committed suicide, my sister became pregnant, my granny ...ARGH!!! MINDYA OWN BUSINESS SUCKER!!* at this point, beat up the person who's questioning you*
-§oMeoNe NoT YoU -

40. I finally got an appointment with the HMO doctor to have that boil lanced.
-painfulboilinthecrotch boy -

41. My sea monkeys died, I'm too depressed to come in.
-Effie -

42. I was subpoenaed by Ken Starr. (Especially useful if you live in Arkansas)
-De Ole Sarge -

43. Spontaneous Combustion.
-Gruffudd Da Welshman -

44. Explosive Diarrhea.
-Mr. Fizzles & Do you smell something? -

45. My parents paid a hitman to kidnap me and demand an incredibly high price for my return.
-My Diet Consists Entirely of Prozac! Ha ha ha! -

46. Uh, Boss, Teacher, I was busy picking out a new deodorant for you...Here's your can of Lysol.
-Rick and Mike -

47. I'm not coming into today because I don't have any pants on.
-Flea Girl -

48. I just feel to well to come in to work today.
-oo22cool -

49. I'm having a bad hair day.
-imdaffy -

50. I thought I was getting a tension headache, by the afternoon I remembered I had my headband on. It was too late to come to work by then.
-joe valente -

51. Personal reasons. (Said in a concerned tone of voice - discourages any further questions, assuming your boss has even a grain of emotion.)
-Megabuck -

52. I hit some crazy woman's dog and she stole my homework and beat me up. I hit some crazy woman's cat and she attacked me with her walker.
-Heather Johnson -

53. The voices told me to stay home and clean all my weapons. They said you wouldn't mind. You're not going to contradict them, are you?
-Unanimous visitor -

54. A Boeing 747 landed right in the middle of RTE 163. Wolf Blitzer was there and everything !!!
-Thumpie -

55. PMS
-leeners -

56. El Niño.
-Talos -

57. I was run over by a school bus and I can't get up...
-Chip -

58. Say: "Oh, sorry. It's just that there's so many better things to do than show up here, like eating dirt and running into walls."
-Jamey Powell -

59. I couldn't locate my AK-47 or 9mm, so I decided just to stay home, relax, and watch Jerry Springer.
-BeBopALouie -

60. Being in here causes emotional damage and my shrink told me not to come.
-janeabeth -

61. I WILL come in to work today. Surfing the Net is a lot cheaper....
-simian -

62. Jerry Springer Marathon!
-redwing -

63. I had the most disturbing and contagious case of Death. *cough*.
-Allan (naked AND famous) -

64. I'm sorry, I can't come in today, I'm just too silly.
-Delilah Smud Puddle -

65. I masturbated too much last night and I was so tired that I couldn't get out of bed.
-Do I really have to ?? -

66. My dog's cousin's half-sister's best friend's aunt on her mother's side nearly died after getting a paper cut and I was at her beside praying with the nuns under a heat lamp so I got a nice tan and raccoon eyes because the lamp was so bright that I had to put on sun glasses and then all of a sudden she got better and really wanted to spend the afternoon at the beach so I treated the nuns and her to a hot dog at the beach. well, okay. not really. I had the flu.
-Jim Bob Bill -

67. Have you ever had the plague? Your lucky I wasn't out for a week!
-jason -

68. My dog/cat is missing!! OH MY GOD, WHAT DO I DO NOW??? I simply can't go to work until I find Turnipbrain.
-Jim Gaylord -

69. Somebody in your family died and you have to deal with the whole sordid mess. Pick your parents sparingly as you can only use them twice at each company! -

70. The voices told me to polish the guns today.
-Tristram Perry -

71. My deity is ordering a goat sacrifice right now, I can't make it. See you on Monday.
-The Infamous Beaver -

72. I was attacked by a group of space alien midgets carrying giant salami clubs.
-Josh Dix -

73. My cat was lonely.
-johnnyboy -

74. 24 hour plague.
-Shannon Lenz -

75. 24 hour Ebola.
-Sneezy -

76. I have a 24 hour tumor.
-Jon -

77. The Principle/The Boss kept me awake with all their moaning and screaming and fondling and sucking and f**king, and... well I just couldn't sleep with them touching me like that.
-Nordok -

78. On the way to class I was unexpectedly ambushed by a herd of angry marmosets wearing Hawaiian shirts and shriner fezzes who proceeded to throw otter fetuses at me while singing the them from Charles in Charge. I was not pleased.
-Tok Hohlraum -

79. My legs went numb and I fought I was crippled so I had to call the doctor but had trouble getting to the phone so it took a long while
-The DESTROYER of Life -

88. My boyfriend wouldn't let me out of bed.(This actually happened, I got fired)
-creation -

89. I was in a fatal car accident yesterday.
-Sue -

90. Screwing the boss the night before (Well, at least you'll get away with it!)
-C.J. -

91. I've got chicken pox again. I don't understand it, that's the 3rd time this month too...
-Ronnie ( -

92. I had to baby-sit Elvis Shortliver last night. It took forever to get him back into his wooden cage.
-simian -

93. A dog pissed on my books at the bus stop
-john -

94. I'm at the vet right now.... Yeah, the vet.... Well, you'll never believe this, but my dog ate my car keys.
-Kick the Baby! -

95. My dog, that I have had since I was a kid died.
-Cheyenne -

96. The dog ate my tires.
-Shirley Ujest -

97. My dog ate my car.
-Steve -

98. Sorry, but my dog ate my brain.
-**Guardrail Rules** -

99. My dog exploded.
-The Idiotboy -

100. Bill Gates ate my dog.
-AG -