The Ow! Staff: Websites don't just make themselves bub, here's a closer look at the Onionheads responsible for this dump.

SPARKY: Webmaster, Graphics Expert, Babe Magnet. Once described as a man depriving a village of it's idiot, Sparky has been head graphic designer and writer of the Ow! website since May 1996. Location: Chicago, IL USA Origin: Although it indicates above that he's a man, he's actually an onion who dreamt he was a man but was suddenly awakened by a blaring alarm at 6:00AM only to realize he was an onion who was late for work. Day Job: Inspector tag inspector. Favorite Music: The fourteen hundred birds that were screaming their asses off at 4:00AM Saturday outside my window. Most Embarrassing Moment: Selling finger puppets outside the Holiday Inn, only to realize there was a Proctologist convention going on. Best Moment: Realizing that not only do Proctologist have a lot of money, they also have a wacky sense of humor. Favorite Quote: I have ten new ideas a day, one of which is good, but I never know which one. Hobbies: During my off hours I can be found enjoying a game of chess, tennis, chugging a few beers at the local bar or playfully poking local raccoons with a stick. Future Plans: I plan to finish typing this sentence.

SPANKY: Creative Director, Assistant Webmaster, Heartbreaker. Described by her friends as; "So fair, she'd insult anyone." Spanky is second banana at the Ow! website and helps come up with many... er, a lot... okay... half... fine, MOST of the wacky ideas we use here. Other Functions: Executive Aroma Therapist, Leech Bleeding Specialist, Paperclip Technician. Location: Chicago, IL USA Originally From: A Test Tube Baby experiment that went horribly wrong. Favorite Artist: That guy that did the dogs playing poker Favorite Painting: Velvet Jesus. Day Job: Spy for the US Department of Agriculture. Weekend Job: Hatcheck Girl for Microsoft. History: Near Fatal injuries involving some farm machinery, was rebuilt. I am now better, stronger and faster than before after several bionic augmentations to limbs and many orifices. (Now I make a really kewl noise when running in slow motion) Bold experiments that worked: Spinning straw into gold and teaching my cat HTML. Bold experiments that flopped: The edible toothbrush, The perpetual motion highchair and powdered water. High Points: Saved the whales and once freed Willie, fifth grade spelling bee winner, Miss USA contortionist of 1996, Playboy Playmate for January 1997, Received honorary degree in HumorGenics from Harvard after successfully performing the first humor transplant on a rather unfunny dog. Most Embarrassing Revelation: Realizing my dress was tucked into the back of my panty hose after going on stage to accept the Nobel Peace Prize.

DINKY: Doesn't do a damn thing. Inventor of microwavable peanuts , Dinky is considered the most dangerous of all onionheads. Location: I'm right here dammit. Originally From: Over there. Basic Philosophy: Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies. Day Job: Poking the ground with a stick. Hobbies: Poking the ground with a stick.

CRANKY: Complaints Department. Former prison guard and one time synchronized swimmer silver medalist, Cranky has been called; "A guiding light in a world of dark humor that suddenly snuffs itself out when you least expect it." Location: Northern Ireland (It's a little town, you wouldn't really be that interested.) Originally From: The jawbone of an aardvark. Favorite Quote: Life sucks, and then you keep on living. Day Job: Dentist. Hobbies: On the fly lobotomies, president of the Baby Seals Club.

FISH: Webmaster of !The Funnybone and part time humor helper. (Sorta like hamburger helper without any meat) Location: Water. Originally from: Originally spawned upstream somewhere. The bitch is I'm supposed to break my neck swimming up a waterfall and go back one day to squirt sperm around and drop dead. Favorite Quote: Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? Day Job: Action figure bend designer. Hobbies: Diving right in the middle of a large gathering of irate sharks, backgammon.