Complaints Department

Mr. P.I. Recent Complaints
In order to provide our visitors with the top quality humor service they deserve, we've implemented this complaints department and have posted some of the more helpful complaints here. Cranky has kindly posted some of her replies here for your enjoyment. Thanks... Thanks for nothin'

This sucks!!!!!
How can you do this to everybody who loves you?? and we DO love you, you know... and we love the questions... this sucks, can't you just do like a little question page? it doesn't even have to be big... where am I gonna get my silly question fix now?
-Valerie -
Yeah, yeah, I love you too. We had to stop the questions 'cause our "P" key broke and we were gonna explode from the backup. P key, get it? Awww, forget it... NEXT!

Um...I'm too...uhh...passive.
-Mr. Fizzles-
Me too, let's not do anything together sometime.
-Don't fall out a window or anything, Cranky-

Why is is that every time my husband and I have to be somewhere my husband can't get his $&!# together and be ready to go when it's time to go. He sucks and I just want to leave without him. (I don't cause the guilt would kill me) Man, this $#@*$ cause I hate waiting on his @$$ all the time! Cranky, please just come and beat the snot out of him! PPPLLLLEEEAAASSSSEEEE!!!
-going@crazyw/rage -
Okay, when's a good time for him?
- Cranky-

I've got a complaint! Your damn dog Barky keeps digging holes in my yeard, and yesterday he got into a fight with my poor little Twiddles! I think he should pick on dogs his own size!
-too chicken to send in a name -
He bops dogs his own size. Why don't you just get a dog so small nobody can see it?
- Cranky-

I have a complaint. Why isn't the nickel girl naked? Hmmmm? -
It's animated, wait at the page about 45 minutes and you'll see.
- Cranky-

in this wonderfull world of nuts and fruit cakes isn't it nice to read about people who are really over the wall
-crazy canuck -
Stick your nuts back in your fruitcake and go complain somewhere else buster.
-Don't fall out a window or anything, Cranky-

How about I stick a nickle up your butt?
-Vanessa -
Great, I could use a little change.
-Don't fall out a window or anything, Cranky-

Cranky, You suck, Sparky Blows and you see a pattern here??
-too chicken to send in a name-
Yeah, the pattern on your forehead when I whack you upside the head with a waffle iron.
-Don't fall out a window or anything, Cranky-

I always get rejected! You onions are so mean!
-Snaggletooth -
Naw, we're not mean, we're simply "Pleasant challenged."
- Cranky-

My name spelled backwards is Selzzif. Do you realize how stressful that is?
-Mr. Fizzles-
Sure, mine is yknarc, Yiddish for "Mr. Fizzles is a stressed-out dork"
- Cranky-

Why is it that when your husband has to be the BIG man and be the one who "leaves", he comes over like every night and wants sex?
-too chicken to send in a name-
Exactly how big is he? Guys acting like "big men" are a dime a dozen.
- Cranky-

Hey pal, why don't you try coming *over here* and typing in all caps.
-Don't fall out a window or anything, Cranky-

my socks are too tight. -
Mine too, cut some toes off.
- Cranky-

Why is your little stand made of card board? Are you so cheap that you use cardboard instead of wood? Give me that bat so I can beat your little carboard stand to pieces! What do repair it with? Duct tape? Why can't you stay at the Funny Bone,and never come back???????????? -
What am I gonna repair it with? Bits of your mom pal, bits of your mom.
-Don't fall out a window or anything, Cranky-

I think this web site is funny but did you have to use a spice girl for the nickles and why did u have to use that spice girl?
-too chicken to send in a name-
Cause Lucille Ball is dead and Cher ain't funny.
- Cranky-

Shut up! Drop dead! Go to Hell!
-Love Vanessa -
I'm busy this week, I'll have to take a raincheck.
- Cranky-

Why does the sugar cookie above look like she has the head of an onion? -
We put the babe on the complaints form so you'd get all excited and forget what you were going to complain about.
- Cranky-

Greetings onions! Just a little suggestion, and i have noticed others complaining about this too! in the complaints department there is a picture of a spice girls *HRMPH* (REAR). i thought perhaps there is a better picture that could be there and sought that picture but did not find it. so rather than giving up! (because i am so determined to improve your wonderful site) I created one myself, it's attached so you can see it! use it if you want (and i hope you do!)
-Judith M. Tyler Ascher -
Thanks Judith, but I can't use it. Everybody likes me too much so we wouldn't get near enough complaints. We better keep the Spice Girl up.
- Cranky-

um......uh....OH yA um.........Oh YA um............OH Ya....OH ScensoredT!. -
Well, this is helpful.
- Cranky-

Bud Ugly web designer stole the whole concept of my site. I do not hink it is fair that someone would come and steal my very own design. I'll talk with my lawyers today. Make sure he knows that he has been unmasked.
-A french webmaster -
I don't "hink" so either. What is that... French?
- Cranky-

There haven't been any new complaints for 2 weeks now. What the hell are you doing than Cranky? Do you still get paid even though your just taking up space? Oh, and nice curlers. Are you Spanky's sister, 'cuz I notice the rezemblence. Did you and her ever fight over Sparky? DID HE EVEN CARE?
-too chicken to send in a name -
SIX weeks now buster. I understand updates their site every half hour or so.
- Cranky-

I believe that Rush is a much larger target than the combined SGs. Emilio Lizardo -
Sure, but where's the sport in it if the target's not dancing?
- Cranky-

I'm really not feeling too good about this change in format. It seems like something's been lost through the transition... Most of the visitor responses are crude and immature now; at least the old visitor questions showed some bizarre creativity. Did the questions just lose their allure for you guys? Would you ever consider going back to them, maybe with stricter submission so you don't get swamped?
-Xine, sorta sad -
We might do a few here and there, like this page, but in general the question and answer thing was getting too wonky.
- Cranky-

The other day I bought a Twinkie that was the wrong shade of yellow. And my shin hurts!!!!! -
Look, if you people aren't going to wear protection when you're buying sponge cakes, you're not going to get any of my sympathy.
- Cranky-

you need to put a warning sign on that spice butt, I tried putting my nickel in and the vaccum in her head sucked me right up her butt, three days walking later I found a way out (don't ask) I know why they call 'em spicegirls 3 days of that stink!!
-too chicken to send in a name -
You rode in the little bus, didn't you?
- Cranky-

I rock. U do not!
-too chicken to send in a name -
Thanks sooooooo much for this very helpful and constructive complaint. Al Gore could really use a speech writer if you're free.
- Cranky-

fish are wet and it makes them difficult to hold. please rectify this situation. -
Grab 'em by the nostrils.
- Cranky-

Someone impersanated me!!!*Shanno* and the so called "GeniusGirl" must die!!!!!!!
-*Shanno* -
I'll help you. (Now where the heck did I put that melon-baller?)
- Cranky-

My complaint about Sparky I take exception to a few key aspects of Sparky's slogans. For practical reasons, I have to confine my discussion to areas that have received insufficient public attention or in which I have something new to say. He has certainly never given evidence of thinking extensively. Or at all, for that matter. Why do his subalterns want to control your bank account, your employment, your personal safety, and your mind? The answer, of course, is entirely transparent. He really needs to lighten up. His mottos are just a rhetorical ploy to get away from the obvious fact that it must be pointed out that his goals will compromise the things that define us, including integrity, justice, love, and sharing in the near future. If nothing else, several of Sparky's forces, who asked to remain nameless, informed me of Sparky's secret plans to demonstrate an outright hostility to law enforcement. As Sparky feels less and less need to conceal his prank phone calls, he makes increasingly open move! s towards venal unilateralism. Whatever else may be the case, it is certain that his protests are in conflict with accepted morality. It's been well documented that he is deeply involved emotionally in his attack on truth and reality. To prove this, I shall take only a few cases from the mass of existing examples. I am not going to go into too great a detail about xenophobic freeloaders, but be assured that he is too unregenerate to reason with. Are you prepared to discuss this, Sparky? The devil not only finds too much mischief for idle hands to do, but increasingly in our contemporary world, he causes impetuous anarchists to inaugurate an era of bloodthirsty gnosticism. Don't be fooled: The fact of the matter is that I am highly critical of those who tolerate or apologize for people who work with Sparky. He is bad enough when he's alone, but Sparky is even worse when he's joined by self-deceiving megalomaniacs. Insurrectionism is a growing threat to society and should be outlawed. Of course, in a discussion of this type, one should decidedly mention that he is notorious for trying to inject even more fear and divisiveness into political campaigns. How can we trust him if he doesn't trust us? The underlying message is that disloyal gutless hell-raisers who up the ante considerably will, hopefully, eventually be replaced by people who believe in freedom, justice, and the pursuit of personal growth. All I'm trying to do here is indicate in a rough and approximate way the superficial tendencies that make Sparky want to destroy that which is the envy of -- and model for -- the entire civilized world. Given his current mindset, his objectives appeal to people who are fearful about the world's political and economic situation and long for simple solutions to complex problems. What I want to document now is that he often flirts with interventionism. Whatever happened to community standards? Sparky even condones the deceitful conjectures that will reward those who knowingly or unknowingly play along with Sparky's solutions while punishing those who oppose them. I feel this way because his followers can't defend their activities. I find that some of his choices of words in his "compromises" would not have been mine. For example, I would have substituted "power-hungry" for "formaldehydesulphoxylic" and "materialistic" for "homotransplantation." If the people generally are relyi! ng on false information sown by foul hackers, then correcting that situation becomes a priority for the defense of our nation. The core of this seemingly insoluble problem is the fact that there are a number of conceptual, logical, and methodological flaws in Sparky's slurs. An ancient Greek once wrote something to the effect of, "I mention that in this spot because of its close connection with the item just above." Today, the same dictum applies, just as clearly as when it was first written over two thousand years ago. But I digress. You have my word that according to the dictionary, "Sparky-ism" is "any of a set of treatises that pit race against race, religion against religion, and country against country". It should be stressed that to enter into philosophic disputations with such corrupt (or at least, homophobic) ne'er-do-wells is both vile and antisocial. Maybe he just can't handle harsh reality. He makes a virtue of irremediable fault. The problem of reprehensible blathering sybarites serves as an excuse for Sparky to express his own hostility and frustrated need for power. It is well known that we need to educate others about the excuses and complaints of hypocritical lunatics. But his bait-and-switch tactics represent explicitly his overly accepting attitude towards crapulous vagabonds. His wheelings and dealings have grown into a smarmy tapestry weaving together classical conspiracy theories of the 19th century and post-Marxian economics. There is a problem here. A very large, demonic, unsophisticated problem. Irrespective of one's feelings on the subject, the truth of this is by no means limited to the field of general culture, but applies to politics as well. The ideological fervor of Sparky's accomplices springs from their desire to develop mind-control technology. Sure, even lame-brained ingrates may have some good points, but I have yet to find one. Isn't it odd that brutal savage con artists, whos! e prolix demented lifestyle will deny citizens the ability to become informed about the destruction that raving insurrectionists are capable of in the coming days, are immune from censure? Listen carefully: There is no honor in Sparky's actions. Sparky's grievances have grown into the world's greatest enslaver of human minds. Conventional wisdom states that there have been reports of rampant drunkenness, performances by strippers, public nudity, and other licentious and brown-nosing behavior at every gathering of Sparky's flunkies. While others have also published information about sappy slackers, one of these days, Sparky will turn his back on those who need him the most. I happen to believe that by excluding any possibility of comparison, he can easily pass off his own policies as works of genius. If you think about it, he trumpets conceited cameralism laced with lawless anarchism. If you agree, read on. Considering that Sparky's cringers have demonstrated brutally, horribly, and with great terror how they will turn pseudo-intellectuals loose against us good citizens, I offer that Sparky's attempts to use lethal violence as a source of humor are just a game to him. Oddly enough, I know some loathsome anthropophagi who believe they once overheard Sparky say, "I want to manipulate everything and everybody one day". His assistants always show a streak of cruelty that enables them to find pleasure in their destructiveness. It would be a semantic quibble to deny that his only motivation is a rude attachment to wealth and power. Where did all these unbalanced malcontents come from, and what are we going to do with them? At any rate, the popularity of Sparky's smear tactics among malodorous mob bosses is a harbinger of sadistic things to come. Although lousy Hare Krishnas are relatively small in number compared to the general population, they are rapidly increasing in size and fervor. On the surface, it would seem that Sparky's blatant indifference towards the feelings of others is due to intense misunderstanding, suspicion, and fear. But the truth is that Sparky represents the most recent incarnation of the unique 20th-century phenomenon known as "sleazy parasitism". I cannot compromise with delirious so-called experts; they are without principles. I cannot reason with them; they are without reason. But I can warn them, and with a warning that they must take to heart. The simple, regrettable truth is that his ramblings are a hotbed of fanaticism. His litanies would be less cantankerous if they were less spiteful. Why? That's easy. He is not just insecure, but proud of it. At the very least, Sparky's statements epitomize our most unstable instincts. Blaming worthless nonrepresentationalism on perfidious poltroons is one of Sparky's favorite themes. Which brings us to the harsh reality that must be faced: Some of the things Sparky says and some of the things he stands for are so naive, it hurts to think about them. What if we collectively just told his adherents, "Sure, go ahead and toss quaint concepts like decency, fairness, and rational debate out the window. Have fun"? That would be worse than goofy; it would muster enough force to inject Sparky's lethal poison into our children's minds and souls. The most sobering aspect of his pronouncements is that his whitewash of the issue offers no real analysis of the situation that resulted in his unrestrained reinterpretations of historic events in the first place. His dee! ds have an unsavory historical track record. To summarize my views: We must hold not only Sparky, but also his foot soldiers, accountable for their mindless morals.
-Dominius Mookpiloh -
He was a quiet guy, kinda' kept to himself.
- Cranky-

It's up there, so you can shaddup and stick your head back in your armpit now.
- Cranky-

I stubbed my toe on your bat.
-too chicken to send in a name -
Hope you're planning on paying for the nick.
- Cranky-

-SHADDAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -

Speaking of the Spice Girls, haven't we fuckin' assasinated them yet ?! Damn, America has lost its nuts when it come to mercenary tactics. -

Uhhhhhhh...I can't find any good porno.
-none of your business -

show mw the money!!!
-too chicken to send in a name -

nasty girl!!!
-too chicken to send in a name -

this complaint is from Helen Wait. If you don't like this page go to HELL AND WAIT! -

this is gay
-too chicken to send in a name -

I have a goiter. It really itches.
-too chicken to send in a name -

im hungry....and drinky just ate the last of the q-tips. Confound him, anyway.
-Vydalia -

I Think That It Is Really Stupid That So Many People Want To Become Engineers!! Damn!! There Are Only So Many Trains That Need Driving!!! What Are The Rest Of These Idiots Going To Do!? Clog Up The Welfare System And Waste "MY" Tax Dollars!!?? I Mean........ Damn!!!! -

Okay...why is it that all the nice guys in the world are taken or they are GAY???
-Ms.Kitty: -

Your site makes me waste my time.
-Jimmy Rae -

I liked the old question-answer type thing! this sucks -

I generally live at you site because it's generally interactive, so I generally get to see my name a lot. But while I generally agreed with what you put for the worst musicians, I have to complain about something: You DID"T put Marilyn Manson. Music haters like you would of surely have put him in the top ten. If you can put Hanson in there, You can put Mr. Manson in there too. Thank You. _Jimmy Rae_ P.S. You should also put in Mariah Carey. Her music is becoming stinking crap lately, along with her videos. -


Last time I visited, I forgot where I parked my car. Have you seen it. It's a yellow VW (called Herpes) -

I can't sleep and have not been able to sleep in a week and I'm getting real cranky!!! -

that spice girl simply does not have kdls;a'peerkl;'apw;akore;woekreo;wq op[qw;p help I'm babysitting an insane child!!!! he sicked his dog on me and then he sicked his brother and sister on me and they started tickling me and I was on the floor and it was really scary... HELP thyou didn't save me... that's my complaint!!!!! valerie -

Elvis Shortliver torments me to no end. He has scared the bejesus outta me. He makes me cry. I want Cranky to kick his ass.
-Snaggletooth -

You've stopped taking questions, and this thing hasn't been updated since just after I was last here, when Spanky died. -

I'm only complaining because you don't have a compliments department. Also a Complimentary Continental Breakfast would be nice -

I don't have a boyfriend and everybody else does -

I'm afraid that the slot you have provided isn't big enough for my quarter. -

You guys suck, and I'm original! Eat me........ -

Why don't u have like like blond jokes so I can make fun of myself? -

How come you always reject my questions? I really want to know the answers!!!
-too chicken to send in a name -

Awesome site!! -

Where in HELL is my &*&($%#! complaint?
-El Quiggley -

Okay,welllll....You kangaroo have kangaroo stopped kangaroo answering kangaroo the kangaroo dumb kangaroo complaints, kangaroo and kangaroo that kangaroo really kangaroo sucks, kangaroo cause kangaroo the kangaroo only kangaroo reaosn kangaroo I kangaroo wanted kangaroo to kangaroo leave kangaroo a kangaroo message kangaroo was kangaroo so I kangaroo would kangaroo get kangaroo answered... :P

I love the commentary page (real funny), but you morons never update it!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE update it soon! -

stupid spice am i supposed 2 b scared?!?!?
-too chicken to send in a name -

Here's my complaint. Every time I type something in you losers never put it on your page. I WANNA SEE MY NAME AND I WANNA SEE IT NOW YOU FREAKIN' ONION-HEADS!! K? :) -

You guys should check out My boys infiltrated a psychic network and pulled jokes on people who called. I like to prank talk radio. -

Broccoli sucks!
-Elmo -

I think your site should feature more skin. Though naked onions I guess really wouldn't do it for me. How do onions have sex anyway? -

I've just started visiting this site on a regular basis (cause it ROCKS) and I have bno idea what the hell that whole naked otter thing is. That is my complaint. I WANNA KNOW WHAT THE HELL THE OTTER THING IS!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's what I really really want you freaking Spice Brat!!!! Could someone pleeeeeeze tell me what's goin' on???? E-mail me!!! (which isn't my name if you're wondering, I'm Lana!!!!) -

On the worst artist of all time list, you just list the first people that come to mind on there. You leave the people that are really wack off the freaking list!!!
- -

You're out of toilet paper.
-Jamey "Crisis" Powell -

Where the Hell is Hung-Like-A-Donkey Smurf?? tell me Fuck You!!!!!!!!
-Smurfette -

Where the hell do we enter our stuff -

My underwear is giving me a damn wedgie!!
-Speed -

HEY!!!! You owe me 95 Cranky, I put in a dollar bill in the "Spice Butt" and didn't get any change back!!
-Speed -

How come you dont have the comments under any of our comments except our it just becuz that dumb ass spanky died ...GET OVER IT....well thats my complain!..!..! -

Onions are stupid!!
-A@nooky-gnaw -

Hey onionhead you smell!!
-yo -

I agree with yanky doodle dude .although he is demented and i would suggest he too gets a noodle transplant,it is a good idea P.S. Spanky contact Allan (just call me al)Neenoh -

My matches won't light! I try striking them, and they keep breaking! Dammit, I want my 15 cents back! How am I supposed to 'play' with my Spice Girls dolls without them?! And where's my mommy? I want my mommy!!! I-oh no, the big man with the cattle prod is coming at me again *putting straight jacket back on* I'll be good... -

Okay, I'm ready to complain now
#4 Spanky is Dead.
#3 Dominius Mookpiloh lost his pants.
#2 Sir John-a-lot wants to see Cranky open up a can of whup-ass.
#1 MoleStank can't fit nickle.