wwwVOice Humor Zine Thing The Rejected Question Archive : #40 Welcome to the rejected archive. Please enjoy these inferior questions!

Some of our Onionheaded friends Hey Spanky did you get your name from spankying Sparkies monkey -Bop- Visitors name to closely associated with subject matter of question. How much longer till I get fired? -hookedonvoice- Had to reject question so hookedonvoice would hate us and get back to work. How do I get over my fear of rejection? -Madame George and her Flying Hitlers- Whoops, he he, guess this won't help any huh? Who do you like better on the show "Mr. Show"? Bob, or David? I'm not sure which is which right now, but I like the bald one better. -http://www.angelfire.com/oh/BahIHateChristmas/index.html- Personally, I kinda like the hairy one. How the hell did I get here? -anonymous visitor- Left turn at the !The Funny Bone probably. Where is the big peanut roller coaster? -anonymous visitor- Always reject "messy ride" type questions. Dear Spanky and Sparky, My name is Grimley. I am an evil cow. I stand on my hind legs and spray my poisonous milk at people and then rob them of their money and valuables. When I finally catch up with you two onionheads, do you think you can stop me? -Grimley the Evil Cow- No problem, we have an ice-cold milking machine! Hey Sparky and Spanky. Is it true that when John and Bobby made "sweet love" to Marilyn that they both sang, "We're in the Monroe-We're in the Monroe," (as sang to the tune of "Were in the money") or is this top secret C.I.A. document that I just bought off of the guy in the hall who was wearing a trench coat for ten bucks just a cheap K.G.B. imitation? -The great "Barnaby Wild" strikes again.- Can't use this question until it drives past the grassy knoll. sparky, I feel like I'm going crazy and about to go *way* postal on everyone and everything. I'm not a violent person and I don't want to hurt anyone/thing. What should I do? -anonymous visitor- Probably start with returning all the letters on your route. whenever i speak, my teeth fall out. they are not dentures, they are real. but when i go to the dentist, those crazy teeth plant themselves firmly back in my gums! my dentist says i'm imagining this, but believe me, those scary teeth are wreaking havoc on my life and my dog-walking routine! how do i hold my teeth in my head? -birdbox- Wanted to do "wacky" crazy glue answer, felt it was too obvious, as was duct tape, string, and staples. Finally rejected question due to it being stuck to everything in house. Spanky, Sparky, I'm in a quandry.(I think that's how you spell it) I've been taking you polls for about 3 months, and I've always been in the minority. Practically everyone disagrees with me on hair, Captain Kirk, and what you do while you're waiting for something to download. My question is, since you guys, are like, so smart, how can I read everybody's mind and answer the questions the same way everyone else does? -Caitlin- Usually when we do a new poll Spanky and I try to guess which one will be the most popular and bet lots of dough and you know, favors and stuff. So far, neither of us has won anything so don't feel alone. I'm not sure if you've ever taken up carving or skinning as a hobby, but here's my question anyway. Why is it easier to rend the flesh off of a small child's bones than it is for someone of say, 50 and older? -The Reverend Jough Approximately- Found question just ever so slightly disturbing. Sparky, my four year old wants to know how santa is going to get into our house on christmas eve since we don't have a fireplace. I cannot outsmart him by saying he can come in through the little wall heaters and he knows I'm not gonna wait up to let him in. Got any ideas for this one? -jo- Boy, everybody knows he has a magic key. If you're travelling at the speed of light and you just *happen* to turn your headlights on, what would happen? -jester- Did this question a couple of times last year, couldn't find them in the archive but I'm pretty sure they were wacky so just laugh anyway, hokay? I seem to hasbve msifhplaced mye "/delete"l key, cadn you fidn it? - Fred The Stick Figure - Bnope! Sparky, have you seen my brush? I just took a shower and I nee-OH THERE IT IS! -Sarah- Visitor answered own question. sparky, exactly how *do* you keep a beer cold in the woods??? -~Jo~- Fanned beverages with question. Since identical twins are well, identical, (same DNA and stuff) If a pair of identical twins ate the same type of food, would their farts smell the same? -Holding my breath in Md.- Question was twice as smelly as I thought it would be. Can a dog find out how old you are by smelling your butt? -Holding my breath in Md.- See above question. What happens if I shop online? -chicken burrito- You get new stuff? Hmmm. Catching up on things, I just noticed that in week 56, I had sent in a question about posting regulars and long-timers at the site. However, I don't remember doing this thus, more questions arise: Could someone be impersonating me and if so, Why? Couldn't you find someone funnier, like Randy Cassingham, perhaps? If it was me, could I have been sleep-walking? If so, is it common for people to submit far less entertaining questions while sleepwalking as opposed to wakewalking? -Jadie- Not sure if this was the real Jadie. If I were to plug my nose and cover my mouth when I sneeze, would it go out my ears, or make my head explode? -Mr. Fizzles- Blew nose on question, too snotty now. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity to me? My mother-in-law just doesn't want to leave. -Dr. A Tomic- Want Dr. A Tomic to fully enjoy mother-in-law torture-fest. I accidentally left my collection of Johnny Mathis tapes on the Mars Pathfinder probe. Do you think the Martian Atmosphere will have any affect on them? Or vice versa? -Captain Pyro- Wanted to use question but it got sucked out the airlock. Crumbs! It appears my house keys have run away again! Why do they always hide on me? -simian- Simian seems to think keys are living breathing being. Am I imaginary? -Snaggletooth- No, just rejected. Say, is it me (and it sure is!) or does Scotty get heftier and heftier, while Kirk gets hairier and hairier, throughout the Star Trek movie sequels? -simian- Will answer question after "five year mission" is over. Which of these four-letter words do you consider the most offensive: 1) soap 2) work 3) love 4) spam 5) fruitcake (OK, that equates to a four-letter word and a couple of finger gestures) -@#$% and kisses, Alex Rocks- Didn't completely understand final choice. Did you know that the filename for this page is misspelled? (queston.html) Do you get tired of anal-retentive people who have nothing better to do than point out every little typo on your web site? Does "anal-retentive" have a hypen? -Thanks, Big Ed- Yes, yes, and yes. Where do babies come from? I thought I once heard someone say that they came from the rock out by the swamp. It really confused me cause I thought they came from their mothers. -really confused- Waiting nine months for question to answer itself. Dear Spankster and Sparkster: I just had to fill out this survey twice because I accidentally hit the submit button before I typed in my question. Does that mean I'm in trouble? Okay but that's not the question, though. My question is: Why does that guy's tongue on the rootbeer commercial do that? -Sinceryly concerned, ladyzsazsa- Question too foamy. Ok, a snowman finds 2 pieces of coal in a stocking and he places them on his head and claims that he can see. Would snowmen (or snow-women) be able to use such things as oranges, christmas cookies, light bulbs, or ice cream cones as eyes? -anonymous visitor- Got confused, used question to knock down neighbors snowman. Can votive candles really vote? - Fred The Stick Figure - Forgot about question after sticking finger in it and making round finger thingies. Hey, Spanky leave sparky and come to me baby! -anonymous visitor- Visitor forgot to capitalize "Sparky." I think you should have an Elvis Shortliver Day, and have trivia questions about Elvis's life, a raffle to give a free VCR (or pez, whatever) that sort of thing. And then next week, have like like a Reverend Jough day, and a Spanky day What do you think? -not elvis shortliver- Rejected, "not elvis shortliver" is probably "elvis shortliver." Is it true that the Reverend Jough is actually Pat Boone in disguise? -Cherries- Rejected. Reverend Jough seems to be rapidly turning into a minor celebrity and feared he might become more popular than us. Hey Sparkey I am really horney and I was wondering if you are available tonight? -anonymous visitor- Not tonight, I've got a "floating headache." My freind and I want to start an artist colony and I was wondering would it be immoral to turn it into a colony/cult to get a religious tax break? -~Virginia~- Rejected. Got paint and holy water all over question. Hey Spanky I told my Cousin Spanky about the law suit he wants to know your last name so he can tell people you are not the one and same. He really likes your colon. -anonymous visitor- No question mark. Hello sparky what is your favorite bad habit to perform. Bop -anonymous visitor- Rejecting questions. What do you do if you have a bone sticking out of your head? -anonymous visitor- Felt safe rejecting question from "bone head." thbbbt! -valerie winterbourne- Pffffffttttt! My name is Navot my question: If you to kill one of these three "great" singers or bands, which would you kill first: 1. Cher 2. Spice girls 3. Garry barlow -anonymous visitor- Visitor forgot to include Kenny G. I don't have a question for you today, S/S. Just wanted to check up on yours. -Keggers- Thanks, thanks, thanks... we're fine. Do you care "How much wood could a Wood Chuck chuck if a Wood Chuck could chuck wood?" -Chronos- Sure... what was the question again? Is that the REAL delivery guy on the "thank you" page, or is he just there for looks? -anonymous visitor- Don't be silly, he's just there to balance out the colors. Spanky and Sparky, I was just wondering, as I often do while listening to Englebert Humperdink records, about the deeper meaning of philosophy, of life, and of belly button lint. I was wondering, if I knitted you a sweater out of belly button lint for a holiday gift for you, would it be something that you would treasure, or something that you would send to another country to start a diplomatic incident? -But I'm Feeling Much Better Now- Decided to be stylish and wear the question instead. Do you report all death-related threats staright to proper authorities? .. Just wondering.. -Reptile- Reptile seems to be using this question simply to set up next weeks question. Did you get the question I sent by email? -MartyC- Yes, it's probably deep in the archive somewhere where we seem to lose everything. Did you mean to? -anonymous visitor- Mean to what? Why? Tell me right now! I want to know! Tell me now! Now, now, now! -anonymous visitor- Fine, fine, FINE!... it's yes. My cat is approximately 10lbs. heavy I think that he is 99% fur. If an infinite number of cats like mine began to cough up hairballs, All at the same time, Would it classify as the effects of global warming? -~Edge~- Had complete cat question quota this week. is it just me or does cranky look suspiciously like me? -anonymous visitor- She's just got one of those faces. What's the square root of an pumpkin pie? -anonymous visitor- Lost calculator in poker game last week. What is the ruttabaga's name? -http://www.angelfire.com/oh/BahIHateChristmas/index.html- Rejected. Not allowed to divulge secret identity of any vegetable super heroes. if u was a dog and u saw a realy pretty, hot, female dog (not hot-dog...) how did u start with her??? -anonymous visitor- Pretty good for a typing dog. Rejected it anyway. This sentence is a lie, isn't it? 1)yes 2)no 3)hmmm... 4)if you say so... 5)i don't know!!! -Mike- Didn't know how much of the question to believe. Sometimes the stories make me cry...why? -anonymous visitor- Because they're sad, yet funny, tragic, yet lifting, smart and snappy, full of verve and mostly rejected. If a person with multiple personalities ever decides to threaten to kill himself, can it be considered a hostage situation? -anonymous visitor- Didn't know which guy this was from. Why does my bedroom always smell so darn stale? -J.R.K.- I understand you can freshen it by putting it in the fridge with a little baking soda. Can I borrow $5? -Cherries- Sure! Cocktail, vidalia, yellow or large white? -Cherries- Hamburger. Did you know that Siberian and Mongolian nomads live in fur-lined dome shaped tents called yurts? -Cherries- Actually I was aware of this little known fact and had almost forgotten it until you rudely reminded me, thanks. Huhhhh................. where am I? If the phone rings and you don't pick it up, was someone really there? -anonymous visitor- Let answering machine get question. What's that music in my head? -anonymous visitor- It's the "Star Spangled Banner" just start marching butch. That delivery guy is pretty sexy. Can you ask him out for me? -Kaitlynn- No, he's too busy delivering stuff. I was at a anti-hanson page one day, when one girl said that Hanson has looks "to die for" Now, I was wondering, am I crazy, or does Hanson really look like handsome dudes? -kaitlynn- Forgot all about question after sticking it in the CD player and jamming up the works. Why do music stations always play sucky music when you want to listen to good music?????? -anonymous visitor- Just to tick you off. What do I want for Christmas? -jarod I dunno, maybe some anti-rejection spray. Can I ask how old you are? -anonymous visitor- Okay. THIS IS A WEIRD PLACE!!! OK FINE, IT'S KIND OF FUN. -anonymous visitor- THANKS!! AND THANKS FOR NOT BEING QUIET ABOUT IT!! Is this Xmas thing just a big marketing scam, or what? -The Reverend Jough Approximately- Christmasally bizarre. Is there any physiological connection to saying "Pull my finger" and flatulence, or is it merely a social condition caused by an acute case of assholeishness? Just wonderin' -The Reverend Jough Approximately- Bent over and lit question on fire. What is your favourite way to get hard -anonymous visitor- Visitor forgot question mark.

The Used Humor Archive!