Welcome to the rejected archive. Please enjoy these inferior questions!
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wwwVOice Humor Zine Thing Welcome to the rejected archive. Please enjoy these inferior questions! |
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Some of our Onionheaded friends
 Hey Sparky and Spanky. I was working as a bartender at a party last saturday night when a blonde woman who was drunk to the max came up to my bar just as the D.J. started playing Elvis Prestley's "Blue Christmas" and said to me "ya know, I think Elvis recorded that song before he died." then she bought a drink, went back to her table, and I never saw her again. However, she did leave me somewhat confused, so I thought I would ask you guys (since you seem to be the world reknown experts on a lot of stuff,) did Elvis record any songs after he died? -Sincerely, Barnaby Wild- Rejected. Six guys in black suits just carried the question away. Im thinking about becoming a professional assassin. I was wondering if you could send me in the right direction as far as schools go. -anonymous visitor- I was just standing there and the question got shot out of my hands. What the heck is Kumbaya, and how did this word get into a song? -Whyteshadow- Used question to start campfire. I've been at my computer for the past four years. I was just wondering, what color is the sky? I hope it's still blue, but I haven't gotten a chance to check. -Mouse Potato 1- Didn't have the heart to tell visitor that Microsoft bought the sky and you'll need to upgrade to get a blue one. I have a fear of being eaten by flying fish every time i go near bodies of water,which includes the bath tube. Should I really be this frightened? -veronica- Folded question up into origami fish... BOO! what should i do if i run out of toilet paper cuz, um, i'm, like, uh.....now..... -anonymous visitor- Threw question in neighbors trees. Are you guys really onions or is it just an amazing coincidence? -Me- Did we reject this last week, or is this just an amazing coincidence? If you could change your name, what color hair would have? -Regected More. Timesthanyoucancount. (if you can count)- Visitor obviously trying for some sort of record. Why, when vertical, is a large wooden cylindrical shaped thing called a tree but when it is horizontal it's called a log? -anonymous visitor- Threw question on the fireplace. Dear Sparky, I bought you a Christmas Present. Where should I send it? -Love, -that weird chick that's stalking you-- Put question under the tree. Can hardly wait to open it. Does gestation stop once the good doctor rubs that minty blue jelly on my tum-tum???? -anonymous visitor- Question contained too many confusing medical terms. What *REALLY* would happen if pigs could fly? -Whyteshadow- You'd have a hell of a time making a B.L.T. we are microsoft, you know? -Crazy Horse- Question too corporate. Hey you 2 did your Thanksgiving go well? -Bop- Well, I slept on the in-laws couch for about five hours and Spanky drank a few dozen glasses of wine. So all-in-all I think it went better than last year, when we just stuck our heads in a pile of leaves for the whole day. Spanky, I need advice. I like this boy at school and you know the words to that song "how my heart skips a beat everytime that he walks bye?." Well it's more like 69 beats if you know what I mean. What should I do? What if we do...you know...it? Where should I put my hands? What do I moan, his name or ooo baby? Do I say thank you afterwards? -Love, Sexually Stimulating- Yell "Oh Sparky, you stud!" It works for me. If I...I mean...a friend wanted to start mail-bombing people again, would I...I mean...he want a new name? How does Ted Kaplanski sound? -Not Ted Kazynski- Rejected. Might not be visitors real name. I think you should have an Elvis Shortliver Day, and have trivia questions about Elvis's life, a raffle to give a free VCR (or pez, whatever) that sort of thing. And then next week, have like like a Reverend Jough day, and a Spanky day What do you think? -Caitlin- Nope, we went with the "Ignore-O-Rama" this week instead! I accidentally shot my commanding officer in the eye with an air-to-air missile. If I tell them I was aiming for the general, do you think they will lessen my sentence? -Captain Pyro- Feared possibility of having to appear at court martial if we answered this question. Although that's not too bad, it was the thought of having to wear a silly hat that really scared us off. hey, you! yeah, YOU! it's me! yeah, ME! okay, here's my question: on rejected #37, i asked you, "how do you keep a turkey in suspence???" how DO you keep a turkey in suspence? *Shanno* Okay fine, I'll really tell you next week. What do you do with baby kangaroos ("Joeys") that don't have any...body past their waistline? - Fred The Stick Figure - Was going to use this, lost half of it somewhere or another. Why do they call it a playbook when you don't really play with it? - Fred The Stick Figure - Question got really messed up during our weekend football game. Have you ever tasted a computer? -the Hon. Ms. Dee Licious- Believe it or not, we've gotten this one a couple of times before. Why is Veruca Salt the only kid besides Charlie to get a solo dance number? -anonymous visitor- Question just "boogied" away. Why don't you call yer poll the "Official ONION Poll"? -anonymous visitor- Good idea, I have no idea. Who really was the second gunman on the grassy knoll? -anonymous visitor- I think it was a garden gnome. (see next question) Why are garden gnomes so scary? Every time I walk past my weird-ass neighbor's house, I have to look at his garishly painted, creepy, smiling-like-an-axe-murderer, gnome. I can't shake the feeling that this thing is the anti-Christ. -simian- I think I may know this gnome. (see above question) why does my thumb smell like peanut butter? I haven't eaten any peanut butter today... why does my thumb smell like peanut butter? I don't understand...Help Me!!!!!! -Valerie Winterbourne- Rejected. Question still stuck on the roof of Spanky's mouth. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? -anonymous visitor- Rejected. Ate the stupid thing after only three. What do you guys want for Christmas? -jester- Still waiting for Santa to ask. Spanky dear, my two year old son would like to know why your page is so funny. I can't explain, can u? -~more screwed up than u and loving it~- While it's nice to know that a 2 year old thinks we're funny, we have been shooting for the seven year old crowd all along. Here's a hypothetical question. Suppose you just brutally murded, say about 17 people, you know, something like cutting them into peices with a 4 inch butcher knife because they were really getting on your nerves. Anyway, just hypothetically, what would be the best way to leave the country? Please answer immediatly. (heh heh) -John Smith 12345 North Lake Drive Summack, NC 34856- Disguised question as a dust bunny and stuffed it under the couch. What's the best way to tie someone up? -jester- Make them answer 85 questions every Sunday. Okay Spanky my cousin that is famous is a him and his name is Spanky Spangler. Ever heard of him? -anonymous visitor- Getting data together for big lawsuit. Spanky Sparky, I want to know what to do with a blonde obesse bimbo that can't cook clean. Should i give her away or put her out of her misery? -anonymous visitor- Put question on railroad tracks. Wanted to see if it could be flattened. Spanky If who had a severe headache what would you do? -anonymous visitor- Froze question and laid it on forehead. hey, did you guys ever smoke dope? you are so above my level of understanding and i was wondering what your secret is! i want to be in your fan club! or at least buy some dope off you! do you ever smoke dope? -lil bigfeather- Question didn't fit in the bong. what if i sent you a big cake full of yummy filling? you could jump around, do silly sit ups and fly around with the phone, maybe then there'd be more love, huh? this world needs more love, especially tummy love! is this the solution? -birdbox- Well, the cake is a good idea. But we had to reject this as we've already eaten 4 or 5 questions this week. simian gives me the willys! can you tell her to stop??? -bird box- But we love simian! And we like Willy too! Let's say hypothetically that the peace symbol is still free to draw. If you had enough money would you buy it??? P.S. I'm back after all of this time...hehehe -Phat@$$- Very glad to have "Phat" back and to give him the traditional wwwVOice welcome back wedgie and subsequent rejection. Spanky, (your my favorite) I am at school right now and this gosh dang computer won't let me chat, so I came here to decide what I get my boyfriend for Christmas, what would you recommend. -anonymous visitor- I hear that the girl in the chatroom is going to get him an Eddie Bower leather jacket, so you'd better top that. Why are chickens so dumb? -Gen. GenJen Batten (Down the Hatches) Ph.D.- Because they never send us any good questions. I love Sparky. -anonymous visitor- You are kewl! How many pieces of string DOES it take to get to the moon? -anonymous visitor- Turned question into a yo-yo. how are u? -anonymous visitor- I m fine. Thanks. Why? -anonymous visitor- Why not? Why do they call it 'cheese' and not 'sqrmflt' or something like that? I'm curious. -Madame George and her Dancing Hitlers- I dunno. Why do they call it rejected instead of "Glhoorpy." Is there a "Mr. Kinko" of the Kinko's Copies empire? -anonymous visitor- Question got stuck in the Xerox© machine. what color is jim's red gun? -anonymous visitor- Hoping not to find myself looking down the barrel of Jim's "whatever color" gun. Do people like you make the world a better place? Or do you just make people cry...pardon the pun. -~The Little Teenybopper Who WAS Outside Your Window Until You Released the DAMN DOGS!!!!~- We think we make it better, as for the dogs, have you seen little Max? Isn't the best way to spell cool "quoole"? -anonymous visitor- Yeah, it's a kewl way to spell it. If, when God created you, buttcracks, dicks, and boobs where optional, would you take any one of them? -THE NEW IMPROVED JADIE- Question too personal. I just saw Alien Resurrection and the producers would apparently have me believe that when they cloned Ripley, the new clone Ripley came complete with an alien inside of her. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but normal human DNA doesn't include extra coding for the addition of a foreign entitity does it? If that were the case, then couldn't I clone myself and with a little genetic manipulation produce a copy with a coffee maker and toaster oven built in? -Jason & Jason- Got confused, thought maybe this was two questions. I heard this limerick the other day and and it got me thinking: There was a young pirate named Bates who was learning to rhumba on skates he fell on his cutlass which rendered him nutless and practically useless on dates. Who would want to go out with a pirate? Is there some kind of beastiality implication with the capitan's parrot here? -Jason- Visitor thinking far to hard about limericks. Wouldn't it make more sense if men had their winkies attached in the back instead of the front? That way, they could whiz while they walked without ruining their shoes. -Farmer Ned- Couldn't detach body part to find out. if you've never seen this, enjoy :-) Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately. Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been Inspected. You have fifteen minutes. Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek. Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis. Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat. Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate. Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory. Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision. Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question. Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any. Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand. Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science. Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought. General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific. -anonymous visitor- Not really a question. |