wwwVOice Humor Zine|
Welcome to the rejected archive. Please enjoy these inferior questions!
WWWell, Spanky, I wwwant you to knowww that I've figured out wwwhy all these e-addresses have wwwwwwwww at the beginning, wwwhen I wwwent to type an e-mail WWWendsday, my www key seemed to malfunction, wwwith the result that...wwwell, you can see wwwhat happened. Is this really wwwhy all the addresses are that wwway? yours,
Wejected, think wacky wabbit wrong.
Feared question might cause big anti-spacebar campaign.
What sound do aardvarks make when they're in love?
Spent night in hospital after "crazed" horny aardvark attack.
Dear Sparky, Have you ever noticed that all of the horses in the western movies are always running? Why? Where are they going in such a hurry? Is there always something off on the horizon that is soooo exciting that we all need to run? Maybe because when they walk, the cowboys are always talking?
"NOR" probably not aware of recent aardvark mishap. Avoiding animal questions this week. (see above question)
Who does the voice for the Pillsbury Doughboy?
a) boy before puberty
b) girl dressed as a guy
c) guy who's been kicked in the nuts constantly
d) computer synthezied voice
e) same guy who does the voice for tony the tiger
Forgot question after spending Friday poking "Doughboy" looking for testicles.
After much exhaustive study in the jungles of Southeast Asia, I can now reveal where socks go once they move through the dimensional vortex in every washer and drier (Also known as the Paykel effect). There is a remote area of Borneo inhabited by a tribe of hillsmen who worship the sock and have constructed a temple out of elasticised knee socks, it is here that socks go, to live out their lives in peaceful contemplation of the mysteries of sockdom (Is there a sewing machine? Is there life after darning? And so-on). I am now embarking on a three year study on the reproductive habits of garbage on the floor of cars (You know, one day there's just a Mars bar wrapper & maybe an old thickshake container or two, the next you can't move for refuse. I welcome any information people might have to offer on this subject.
Visitor forgot question mark.
What is the difference between a duck? - One of its legs is both the same.
Visitor accidentally included bad answer.
I read your secret code note(s) to me. I am back in the stalking business. Too bad I am still waiting for the Indy 500 (which, btw, is a JOKE.. all the "big" Indy drivers drove on Sat. in St Louis) to start due to a(nother) stinkin' rain delay. I'll try to be back after it's over.
-that weird chick that will start stalking you after the race is over-
Lost super secret decoder ring, not sure what Indy 500 really stands for.
what the heck is up with those "bacos" things? You know, the bacon bits?
Made salad, forgot question.
My girlfriend has a chicken fetish and I can not get her attention. What can I do that will make her go for me and not the chickens?
You need to have the biggest cock a doodle doo.
If you were me, and i were you, who would be the smartest?
Got slightly confused about own identity, started rejecting everything.
Why can't an eggplant make up its mind??? Is it an egg, or is it a plant??? Also, why is the word big so small, and the word infinitesimal so bloody big?? And isn't it hard to imagine Yoda and Bjork in the same room ? Am I driving, or is it just this acid?
Not sure if "Mad Brit" was insulting Yoda or Bjork.
Will (or can) you star in my porn film??
Wanted to be in porn film, felt lack of body might be drawback.
Can I consider my .357 Magnum a "feminine protection" product?
Shot box of tampons, still cleaning up mess.
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah??
Thought "Blahhalb" might not be taking whole poll thing seriously enough.
What does the cash register say when Maggie is scanned?
Scanned Maggie, forgot question after receiving "big" slap.
whats my problem?
Tennis shoe mogul "Reebo" forget ' in what's.
1. Where can I get an actual life?
2. Where in the world *IS* Carmen Sandiego?
3. Who put the bop in the bop she-bop? Was it the big Bopper?
4. Does that second part of number three count as question #4?
5. If it does, will you answer it anyway?
Feared inadvertently revealing super secret hideout of Carmen in wine cellar.
Sparky, What will really happen to computers in the year 2000? Do you have plans to fix this problem?
Set clock back on computer to 1974, forgot question after bad LSD trip.
Why do you drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Stop it, just stop it.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injection
Felt pursuing answer might be slightly dangerous.
Thanks a lot for your online photo booth (Please don't confuse my sarcasam with a legitimate compliment) I thought I could save a few bucks on film devloping But Nooooo, all I ended up with was a sprained index finger from frantic clicking of my browser's back button. I would continue to babble endlessly but I am in serious pain in my "hunt and peck" keyboard strategy (Damn, I wish I learned how to touch type.) Expect a call from my lawyer! What do you have to say to that, Onionhead?
-Erva Mclambton East Armpit NJ-
Rejected question, felt "Erva" probably just bitter about long wait for pictures.
If I were to run over myself with someone else's
car, would my medical bills be paid by:
a) My health insurance?
b) My no-fault auto insurance?
c) Their no-fault auto insurance?
d) Their liability insurance?
Tried running over myself with car. Was surprised when "car" just drove away.
Sharky, When you read in the Genius Book of World Records about the world's biggest piece of food, like the biggest pizza or pie or cake, or whatever, and it is around 100 feet wide, where do the leftovers go?
-Yours, Guess W.-
Forgot question after "loony" dream about giant Twinkie.
If the moon was formed out of a piece of the earth millions of years ago, how come when you drop you pants it isn't called "earthing"?
Dropped pants, got arrested. Probably banned from local church for life.
How do Indy 500 drivers go to the bathroom during the race? Also, how can I get this chlorine smell out of my hair?
Had big hair race, forgot question after unclogging drain.
How much is too much?
-The Reverend Jough Approximately-
HA, HA, we're leaving... and you have to stay!!
Visitor forgot question.
Spanky, Where did the name "spork" (those plastic semi-spoon, semi-fork utensils found at KFC) originate? Also, why wasn't it called a "foon"?
Rejected question after arranging silverware in shape of a old guy with beard.
Ummm . hey. . you know those Jehovah's Witness assembly halls? Well, is that really where they put em together? Cause we used to have assembly's all the time in High School.. but we never got to put anything together, just got yelled at for smoking in the bathrooms...
Had crazy dream about smoking Jehovah's Witness. Woke up on neighbors doorstep.
How long, baby, how long? How long's that evenin' train been gone?
No Kariokee allowed.
Spanky/Sparky: My lobster, Claude, seems afraid of hot water. Could this be hereditary?
Felt scardie cat "lobster" probably make good entree.
If there is a Dairy Queen... and a Burger King.. what would happen if they got married....
Seen actual Dairy King, seen actual Burger Queen. Felt couple probably already secretly married. Had burger and shake to celebrate.
What's with all these people named Jason asking you questions?
-Jason (Not really, but still..)-
Smelled possible "Jason" impersonator.
If you drop a piece of buttered toast it always lands butter side down. If you drop a cat, it always lands feet first. If you tape a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat and drop him , which way will he land??
Still looking for cat to participate in loony experiment. One that hasn't heard about joke yet.
I guess I can assume you're not taking ANY "zany" Phyllis Diller questions because you refuse to recognize her stellar career in comedy?
Like Phyllis, hate the hair. Not sure what "stellar" career Gary's talking about.
If all the cartoons in the world were to stop playing for ever every Saterday morning would would my Father go insane and rip out all his hair and run around the house screaming like he does when me or my sister take the flicker (remote) away from him?
Got scared watching new "Spawn" toon. Fear all cartoons at this point.
Dear Spanky/Sparky: If Dr Theo is so smart, home come they didn't just lop off Tweekie's head and replace it with Dr Theo?
Enjoyed "Theo" on Cosby show. Don't recall seeing any headless Tweekie.
Why is it that if one were to say he heard voices in his head he/she would be declared insane but if one were to call these voices God then that person would be called Cristian??
I haven't heard any voices, and me neither.
Dear spanky, Why does my reflection always run away from me when I look in the mirror and why does my monkey run away from me when I spank it.
Spent weekend "spanking" a few primates. Found most didn't run away.
spanky you are so the cutest graphic blob thing i've ever seen! r u single at da moment? oh ya, what's with yer tongue always outta yer mouth?
-=■ ,'. ?┐secret admirer?┐-
Visitor was scoring "big" brownie point until mention of Spanky's tongue.
Since cigarettes are addictive, why is there advertising to sell more of them? or if your flashlight batteries go dead just as you fall into a blackhole, will the energizer bunny still be able to reach you?
Don't remember seeing any "aunt gertrude" at any family get together.
You must spend a lot of time at this, do you have a real job?
Yes, but I forget what it was.
Visitor forgot words.
What color is your toilet seat?
oooh oooh lookie here! I have an answer for a change! The greastest thing before sliced bread was printed money!
Visitor forgot question.
I work with computer much of the day, and there fore have to come in close contact with the much dreaded and feared "USER" ! Somehow thru evolution and modern physics, no one has ever been able to formulate the unthinkable charateristics of this ever-lurking supporter's-nightmare ! Could you maybe shed some light on the subject so support-personell the world over may have stronghold on these sub-human species?
Rejected, think "Breadface" may be overly paranoid, due to fact that "USER" actually stands for "Unthreatening Sincere Elastic Robot."
Do you love me?
-Fr" u know who-
Cut it out Spanky.
why the f**k did i just read the whole d**n questions????
why the f**k did I just answer them all?
Dear Mr. Sparky, I want my daddy to build me a tree house, but he says no, too many of them have been falling down lately. Can you tell him a good one to use that won't fall down?
Wanted to answer question, got arrested after chopping down neighbor kid's tree house.
Ever been walking down a hallway and suddenly thought you were naked?
-the | 0'//-
Took off clothes, walked around, bumped into Spanky, suddenly lost interest in answering remaining questions.
If a train leaves Cleveland at 9:20 pm EDT bound for Chicago and a mango pie is consumed by 2 million pgymy ants in Borneo on June 10, 1997 is it time to mow my lawn? That rabbit has stolen my eludium Q-36 explosive space modulator. What should I do? What the hell to Spanky and Sparky's parents look like? A. a lot like S+S only with a more kumquat-shaped head B. Ziggy C. Andy Griffith D. Don Rickles I'm bored. What do you usually do when you're bored? Luv from, A victim of computer screen hypnosis Is it true that no matter where you go, there you are? Sparky, If hot dog buns come in packs of 8, why do hot dogs come in packs of 10? --Mark The dot after the www is missing so that 1 less byte is used on the Internet, right? -COmputer WhiZ- Is it okay to eat BBs with peanut butter on them? And if you eat them can you shoot bullets out of your mouth? Hey if bird's get to poo on cars Why can't humans? -Wanna be a bird! If you wanna be a nut do you have to hang on a tree? What is nirvanna? The place on "Wheel of Fortune" where Pat stands If I were insane enough to answer this heap o' sample questions, would I win some dice to put in my rear-view mirror? -Petrie Sparkey, Can you really tell if a watermelon is any good by thumping on it? Cherries Is the truth really out there? Don't lie to me! Sparky, Why does bacon taste so darn good? -Oscar M. I dont understand it,,,. Why must people ridicule mee ov mi grate sophtwear creationz that have brote the computer 2 ware it iz @ now? -Byll Gaites- P.S. Lik mi grate speel chexer? Who invented the Teddy Bear. And why did this person choose large stinky man killer that is made into sausage? Hey Sparky! If you're so darned sensitive, why haven't I ever seen you crying? -- A Jerk from somewhere else. Dear Sparky, What is Bob Wilson's (Arsenal goalkeeper for their cup-winning 1970/71 season) middle name? P.S. It's like a man with a wooden leg. He's fooling nobody. Have you considered writing a book? If you could be any bottom feeder in the ocean, what would you be? I'm bored. What should I do? firstname.lastname@example.org Why milk, eh? A. GoodLordMan! What else would we dunk our Oreos in?!? B. Without milk, we wouldn't get the pleasure of looking at all those beautiful people in the commercials with that nasty white stain on their upper lip. C. So the cows don't burst. D. Er....duh....
Here are all the rest of this weeks questions. (See above question)