wwwVOice Humor Zine Thing The Rejected Question Archive : #9 Welcome to the rejected archive. Please enjoy these "not-so-good" questions. And remember, only you can prevent forest fires! (look, it's a public service thing)

Why do some people call the internet the information superhighway? Well, I understand the superhighway part (explosions, detours, etc) But where did the ever come up with such a scam as to call it "information" superhighway? -anonymous visitor- "Misinformation Superhighway" probably wouldn't sound to good in Dennis Leary Lotus ads. I have given this a LOT of thought, and have decided that You really don't like me much. It saddens me to think that I wasted so much time stalking you. I am also very jealous that others are now stalking you. I think you should pay me some money since I started a trend for your zine. -The weird chick who is no longer stalking you- Weird chick probably not aware of "Big Plans" for the wwwVOice Stalkers Hall of Fame in August. Was it wrong for Princess Leia to kiss Luke Skywalker like she did? -The orginal guy who started stalking you (not the girl, she was here first), and who btw owns a giant gnome suit and a .30-06- Wanted princess all to myself. Wish Han had never "thawed out." Why hasn't "The Pruitts of Southampton" starring Phyllis Diller ever gone into re-runs? Remember the episode where she found the cellar full of priceless champagne and left it outside to get some sun? Sorry, thats two questions... -Gary- This is of course my first zany "Phyllis Diller" related question. Only hope it's also last one. How many pounds of liquid glass can a human body injest before A)You bring it back up,B)Scream like a girl ,C)Go into a Coma or D)Think you are some type of Christmas orniment. -Jonathan MacDonald (BURNOUT)- To early to start "Holiday Special" How do I send anonymous E-Mails? -Gary&lisam@mci2000.com- Wanted to give really in depth answer, forgot own e-mail address. Just checking that you read 'em all... -Onionymous Vizitor- Rejected, didn't have enough time to read question. Dah question sooo, ah the blassat mirge. Kwuh extraordinar always soo? Never the les. Got it? -Onionymous Vizitor- Bought new book "Common Phrases and Swear Words in Swahili" still on chapter 3, one hundred ways to say "bite me." ow-that hurt-I hate you sparky-you are such a jerk-just leave me alone okay? I never want to see you again!!! -anonymous visitor- Rejected question, too busy running around apologizing to everybody. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? -anonymous visitor- Received multiple paper cuts while unfolding map. (see next question) Forget about being the best thing since sliced bread. What does it mean that someone thinks I "hung the moon"? -anonymous visitor- Tried "hanging moon" out car window while reading map. Caused big crack up involving "bus full of nuns" I am considering joining People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Will I have to stop eating all animals, or just the cute and smart ones? -soy beans suck!- Lost question in poker game. Right, this time for sure. Bloke in a bar with an ostrich, a giraffe, and a lion....ah, forget it, you're just going to stick me in 'Rejected' anyway -Gordon- Still awaiting complete screwy question from Gordon. if you were stuck on an island what 2 items would you take? sunglasses boyfriend husband or computer -anonymous visitor- Sparky not gay this week, unless it can put me on the cover of next weeks Time. Sherri -anonymous visitor- Not a question, might be a name. I am very upset. I hope you can help me. I had this problem stalking this guy (I HOPE it was a guy) and then I found a real life... and he dumped me. PLUS, (and this is the worst part) he now has others that are stalking him. Do you think that he remembers me as the ORIGINAL stalker? Or do you think that I am just "one of the stalking pack"?? I am very upset. I might have to go back to stalking him all the time. Please help!!! --The "original" chick that has been stalking you- Thought I saw "chick who is stalking me" outside window. Turned out to be large garden gnome. Felt safe rejecting question. Have you ever considered going on someone elses computer, and eraseing all of the news groups except alt.sex.ducttape.goldfish? -Don't Ask My Name, You Know It- Visited newsgroup Friday. Spent all day Saturday mending now not-so-happy fish friends. No question, just wanted to send "ultimate wwwvoice visitor name." -The cat with the buttered toast who's been stalking the falling tree in the forest that's parked in your driveway.- Great name, lousy question. RRRRRffffffffff RUFF RUFF rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rargh! -clifford the dog- Already had wacky dog related question. Okay. So there's this cannibal and he's hungry and he meets up with the Incredible Edible Hulk. What happens next? -Foamy the Dog- Slightly confused by numerous questions from dogs this week. (see above) If you were paddling up the Hudson River in a canoe and the wheels fell off, how many pancakes would it take to shingle a dog house? -Lorraine Dallmeier- Got confused, shingled canoe with breakfast. What's it like having the coolest 'zine on the web? -anonymous visitor- Liked this question most this week, felt inclusion on front page might indicate Sparky have big head. How is it logical to put brail numbers on the key pads of a drive-up ATM? -anonymous visitor- Got arrested Thursday while "fingering" bank. What is piercing and can you show me how to do it? -Love, Andrew Joseph (don't tell mom i used her computer again)- No wish to encourage young visitors to make holes in body. Say Sparky, ever wonder why, when nature calls, people say "Gotta TAKE a ....!"? Funny, I always leave 'em. You?? -Freakuent visitor- Not sure if question was coming or going. say sparky, someone sure needs to stuff a stocking in those stupid stalking staffers AND the stalker stealers! -Freakuent visitor- Sorry to say, Spanky and Sparky surmised silly stalking submission slightly strange, spooky and spurious. I have an onion fetish. Now that I am standing behind you, I don't know what to do, can you help? -The Hermaphrodite that is now Stalking you- Hermaphrodite visitor seemed somewhat confused with own sexuality. May want to borrow "Ellen" tape. How do you become comfortably numb? I've forgotten. -Cheers, Pink Floyd- Rented "Wall" movie, enjoyed cartoon parts, felt movie needed to concentrate more on bricklayers and their hobbies. WOW, is this like the Psychic Hotline? What's the 900 number? Do you take credit cards? Is my free half hour up yet? -anonymous visitor- Already knew question was coming. How many lightbulbs does it take to change uh... -anonymous visitor- Visitor forgot wacky punchline about Cheerios© and electroshock therapy. Where would you rather live? -a house -a teepee -a bathroom -a shack -a trailer -on the street -anonymous visitor- Got confused. Moved. What does a room full of republicans and a room full of lesbians have in common? They both don't do dick. -They both don't do dick- Wasn't sure if "don't do dick" was screwy punchline or visitors name. I have often suffered attacks from the army of chair weilding mince pies. This I can live with. What I do not like is the fact that they are always recruiting food from around my house to make their war trees out off. I have tried salt, I have tried wearing glass fish hats, but still the pies manage to employ my supermarket sourced comrades. What is my best option in this war effort, and how will I break out of this oh so soft room they lock me in at nights, oh how I fear the nurses, they talk to me you know, they tell me you don't exsist, but I know better ah they will see, when my revelution comes to be so then they shall bow down to my soap orientated might, and so will you. p.s. why does it hurt so? -anonymous visitor- Wacky question from "pie killer" probably fill entire front page. Before the before was a void, right? And before that was the pre-bang. Followed by the Big Bang, followed by the Regular Size Bang. Why is it then that we get a bang out of it? And not the hang of it? -anonymous visitor- No more parade questions. Dear Sparky, Why do they call driveways driveways and parkways parkways when you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway???? -anonymous visitor- Did search at Hot Bot for parkway/driveway, contemplated suicide when only wwwVOice showed up. Why do they call it the web (or even the "information super-highway." -Uhm, i think it's on a paper somewhere .. here? What? Nevermind ... -anonymous visitor- Got very unnerved, Xeroxed everything, including butt. What is the difference between wierd a -http://www.http://www.http://www.http://www.http://- Visitor possibly dropped dead during submission. If a tree falls in the forest and you are not there to see it, would it: a) make a loud noise b) make a low noise c) make no noise d) the tree would'nt fall -anonymous visitor- Due to this being now about the five hundredth time a "Tree" question has been submitted, all visitors submitting any foliage related questions will be whipped to death with string cheese. Why does our fart have different sounds and odor? -Smelly Cat- Unable to answer due to lack of participation at locally held "National Flatulency Competition." if you could lose/gain weight with/without mental activity, would North America sink? -I-cha-cha-cha- New visitor "I-cha-cha-cha" need to prove loyalty to Sparky by sending in real question. How much SH*@ could a dipsh@* dip if a dipsh@* could dip sh*@? -anonymous visitor- Lost dip sh*@? measuring stick. Hi Sparky, Back where I live there are lots of 'Square' people. It just so happens I ONLY see square people. My question is, how do round people look like? -The guru- Lost map that contained "secret location" of mystical Squareville. Ooh, now I've got it. Bloke walks into a pub, and says to the barman "Ouch". No, that can't be right. 2 men....1 man and a dog...but it was a goat. Shit, it's gone. Sorry - PS I didn't even read the questions. Ha ha ha ha ha ah -confusion reigns in Moscow- Visitor spelled last "ha" wrong. If X=X*5(tan(x)), then what would X-Ray equal? -Syntax Error- Tried valiantly to answer question. Ended up breaking calculator over Spanky's head. 1. what is 2+2? 2. Are you a boy or a girl? 3. Do you have sex with other onions? -Jillbird- 4, Boy, no.

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