Do you know of any wrong ways to eat a Reeses? My friend says that sticking them in your ears would be one wrong way, but I'm looking for something a little more concrete than that.
-Richard the Bess-
Spanky & Sparky's five bad ways to eat a Reeses:
5. Bob for them in a vat of nuclear waste.
4. Load up the ball flinger at the batting cage.
3. Have a mother eagle chew them up and regurgitate them for you.
2. Half eaten, out of the hand of a dead guy at the Reeses R&D lab.
And the number one wrong way to eat a Reeses:
1. Hocked-up, from the Heimlich maneuver.

WORSHIP ME!!! BEND DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND WORSHIP ME!! I AM THE SOURCE OF YOUR FREEDOM, I AM THE REASON YOU HAVE CHOICE, DO NOT SUCCUMB TO THE ENSLAVER, KEEP YOUR FREEDOM OF CHOICE, YOU WILL BE REWARDED IN THE NEW ERA. WORSHIP ME!!!
-SATAN-
Dear Santa, thanks for writing us this week. Sparky wants a "Learn to Zip Bill Clinton" doll this year and I'll take what's behind door number 3.
-Spanky-

What would be your favorite bumper sticker? Mine would be.."Honk if you want to MEET Jesus!"
-Vanessa-
My favorite has always been, "My kid beat up your honor roll student." and I also like "I'm as smart as a horse and hung like Einstein." and "I brake for rolling flaming cars in font of me." as well as the variation: "I brake for no apparent reason whatsoever." Would you believe, there's still a little square in the left corner for me to see out my back window.
-Sparky-

Oh, god, please reject me! It'll give me an orgasm if you do.
-Cha la la-
Hehe, this is just foreplay.
-Sparky-

How much would it cost to have my question featured on your main page where everyone can see it and say "My! Isn't she clever?"
- Cherries-
My, isn't she clever! (That'll be $25, $5 more if you want us to use adorable next time.)
-Sparky-

Is animal shampoo tested on humans?
-anonymous visitor-
As a matter of fact Spanky volunteered for one of those programs but it had a couple of adverse effects, she insists on sniffing the Avon ladies crotch before she'll pick out a lipstick, whizzing on the neighbors garden gnomes and humping her bosses' leg to try and get a raise out of him. But there's a silver lining to every dark cloud, she can lick her own butt now.
-Sparky-

Why do they put a suicide watch on death row inmates?
-Captain Pyro-
"Suicide watch?" is that some new wrist-wear from Dr. Kevorkian?
-Spanky-

If a dog could think like us, would it really want a human to be its best friend? If not a human than what would it's best friend be?
-suicider-
I have no idea. However, I heard they crossed a Pit Bull with a Collie. It bites your leg off and then goes for help.
-Spanky-

Sparky, can you tell me a bedtime story that includes a donut, unicorn, pencil sharpener, and Cartman? I'm sorry I made fun of Barky and Spanky, and all of your other little friends, like Pinky. (I don't remember the rest of their names) Is that why they won't answer letters anymore?
-idovoodoo-
Sparky and Spanky Present:
THE CARTMAN WHO CRIED PENCIL SHARPENER
Once upon a time there was a Wal-Mart greeter guy that everybody called Cartman. Like "the rainman" he had a gift for counting the carts. One glance and he'd say: "Oh, about a hundred carts." One day, while writing down how many carts were currently in use, he suddenly decided that it would be a good idea to pretend like he broke his pencil, "I need a pencil sharpener!" he blurted out into the busy store. The manager came running, not so much because of Cartman's cry, he was being chased by a fat woman returning some hosiery. The manger came up to Cartman, and Cartman just laughed and laughed. "Asshole." said the manger, and he went back to his little office with the one way mirrors. Half an hour later Cartman shouted out that he broke his pencil again, and again the manger came running only to be greeted once more by Cartman's rude laughter, so the manger fired him and hired a unicorn. (Sorry, couldn't fit the donuts in)
-Sparky-

Murphy's 11 Laws.....
1. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
2. Everything takes longer than it looks.
3. In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong..will go wrong.
4. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
5. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
6. If you perceive that there are 4 possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, totally unprepared for, will promptly develop.
7. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
8. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
10. Mother Nature is a bitch.
11. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
And here is my question, (so you (hopefully) don't reject me). When are you getting your own talk show?
-Vanessa-
Well as soon as I get this bigass wart off my nose and Spanky dumps the lisp we'll be holding a few producers at gunpoint.
-Sparky-

Are there going to be Beanie Babies with Sparky and Spanky on them? I think that would be really cool.
-@@@@The Wonderful Tatum@@@@-
Dear Tatum, thanks for the suggestion. Our buddy Becks made a few for us last month but as you can see, although I'm as handsome as holy heck, Spanky's got her tongue sticking out of the wrong side. We hope to have some completed ones soon. (They look a little scary 'cause I stuffed 'em in the scanner but you get the idea.)
-Sparky-

Dear Sparky, what in the hell was I just thinking?
-please help, T-
Well I tried reading you mind but all I kept getting was your ATM PIN number and then my testicles started to itch. I don't think I can help you.
-Sparky-

Do you need a silencer to shoot a mime?
-BrownShoe-
If you climb inside the box with him, nobody will hear the shot.
-Sparky-

If your Significant Other required a warning label, what would it say?
-anonymous visitor-
"Do not remove this tag under penalty of law" right in the middle of his forehead.
-Spanky-

This week's answers are weak, weak, weak! If you want to be a big fat comedic superstar the people demand world-class entertainment week in and week out! Are you by any chance getting lazy? Or are you starting to crumble under the pressure?
-go ahead, call me anonymous!-
Okay, just tell us how much you paid to get in and we'll refund your money.
-Sparky-

I can't read the rejected page and I KNOW that my questions have been rejected because, to put it bluntly, they suck. But I don't know why they're rejected, nor will I ever, so can you just put this question on the weekly page so I can read it?
-Nan-
Whoops, we seem unable to fit the complete answer to this question here so please check out the rejected page for the rest of your answer.
-Sparky-

Special Ow! Bonus section!
Elvis Shortliver answers his own question.