Visitor Question of the Week Archive #73
Not "too new" articles for you and your whole family to enjoy!

Hey! my face.
What in the hell are those other funny buttons on the telephone for, you know the # and *. Do they contain some government recording device or something. I pressed one once and it said "Quiet, here he comes."
-jamjars (this week I have been mainly eating meatloaf)-
I called the phone company about this and they said: "Pay your bill this week or we turn off your service." But they also informed me that those particular buttons, The "Pound" and the "Star" (if this is getting too technical just stop me) were added in the mid-seventies so the phone would stick better to the side of your head.

Spanky! I hear that people are gonna make another Batman movie. But the villains suck. (i.e., Scarecrow, Jerry Seinfeld) If you could think, what would you name a Batman villain? (And it has to be made-up, you can't cop out and put Bill Gates)
-Chelsea from Monument-
What the heck does that mean, "If you could think?" Anyway , I came up with "The Broker," who looses all of Bruce's money in the Stock Market, and "Mr. Sneeze" and "Fatwoman" working as a team, break into your house, eat all your food and use up all your Kleenex. "Poison Texas Beef Girl" would be a sultry seductress and I'm sure they could do something in leather for her get-up, or "Glue-Face" professional stick-up guy. Sparky (the immature bastard he is) of course likes "The Piddler" I don't think I really need to describe HIS powers.

What the hell ??? Hold on. My dog just broke something in the kitchen. Yeah. Um, What do I write here ? Got it!! How's life treating you , Sparky ? Get the hell outta here !! (Oh that was me talking to my Mom. Sorry !!) So, what's up ? My question is if you were rejected by a girl who just wants to be friends, what would you do ? Would you play hard to get the next time she says "hi," or what??
-Jerry Maguire (Yep. The guy from the movie)-
I personally would just ram into her car, but of course such extreme measures are not for everybody. In your case I think you should go out and get a couple million dollars, pump yourself up at the beach, maybe get some lipo-suction, buy one of those yachts or something and maybe one of those 80 foot motor homes with a microwave oven, (chicks dig the microwave) ... and THEN, ram into her car.

Has anybody ever asked you a question that is too stupid for you to even read? For instance, "When in doubt, should I whip it out?"
-Jennie Wilshire-
No, not that I recall.

When in doubt, should I whip it out?
-Angus Curt MacDonell-
How about: "When you're in danger, look for the Ranger" or even better: "If you are stumped, just go get humped." Or my personal favorite: "When indecisive, just.. uh... er..."

Is it considered rude to smack your teacher with a limp fish?
-***Kentucky Fried Rattail***-
While this may seem like a good idea, frankly, the fish never learns a damn thing. What you need to do is find a more appropriate way to discipline your little aquatic friends. Taking them out and spanking them doesn't usually work, so instead I like to lure them near the diver guy and then clobber them with the little castle, or if you were just looking to get even, maybe spit in their fishfood.

Hey! my face.
Hey SpArky! What happened to Barky? Did you kill him too???
While it would be nice to kill everybody around the 'ol Onionhead homestead, there simply isn't enough time in the day to fit it all in. There's Pop-Tarts to pop, Froots to loop, and of course, I can never get out of the shower... Shampoo, rinse... repeat.

Why was Gargamel always trying to catch Smurfs to make a stew, when he had the power to create Smurfs in his laboratory (i.e. Smurfette)? Why didn't he just magically create a bunch of them, and make stew out of *those* Smurfs? Do natural Smurfs taste better than synthetic Smurfs?
-anonymous visitor-
I'm staying away from the real ones for a while, heard something about "Mad Smurf Disease" last week.

Why do Pinky and the Brain want to take over the world? I mean, what's so good about this world, anyway? I would think they'd be happier with stock in a cheese factory or sumfin'.
Disturbing, isn't it? Todays cartoons have become so unrealistic that viewers (particularly children I think) find it increasingly more difficult to understand the implications of each characters actions. Why does Brain want to take over the world? How come Pinky doesn't? How can the Rugrats, who surely must be in their early twos, talk? How can a dog be gay? I mean, what's next? Psychopathic cats using household appliances as weapons? Rabbits with dynamite? A Moose and squirrel fighting the cold war?

If the "Time/Space Continuum" broke up, who'd get custody of the kids.
-De Ole Sarge-
This is an extremely difficult question to answer because as I'm sure we're all aware, the "Time/Space Continuum" doesn't actually have any children. It's more like a description of life the essence of our surroundings and our simple "awareness" as a "life force" so to speak. Doesn't matter, I know you guys are all robots anyway.

Hello Onions, Last week, while driving my miniature car in the annual "Hats off to Cheese" parade I noticed a small stain on my fez. What do you onions recommend for those "hard to fight" dirt problems?
Simply attach it to your dogs "groin area," you'll be amazed how sparkling clean it'll be. (Not to mention the near-starch stiffness)

If March comes in like a lion, it's supposed to go out like a lamb, right? What happens if it comes in like a rabid water buffalo with three legs, a tattoo of Jerry Lewis on it's butt, a toupee, and a pierced nipple while all whacked up on crack?
-Hearth Cat-
Did it see it's shadow, and did it look like an extra (say 38 long) large, one armed duck, wearing a sombrero with floppy clown shoes holding a toaster oven with an anvil tied to it's beak, riding a Kawasaki Ninja? Doesn't matter, it'll probably be blamed on El Ñino anyway.

Do you think there should be seeing eye people for blind dogs? What about fish? What kind of pay scale do you think a job like that should have?
-Delilah Smud Puddle-
While seeing eye people for dogs would be really great, I don't ever see it happening, mainly because once you get a human on a leash they always try to run off, get a job, mate with some females, and vacation in Miami. Besides, you ever try to hump a dogs leg?

God? I think I've gone out with a few of your former girlfriends, they keep screaming out your name when we're uh.. you know...

I read Joseph Conrad's "Heart of Darkness" last week, which implied that colonialism is wrong. Does that mean that I should stop my best friend from sailing to Hawaii and claiming it as her own?
-Shanda Panda-
Dear Shanda, Frankly, it's your choice in books that I find a little disturbing here. Mad Magazine had a fourteen page article just last month citing the serious holes in Conrad's "Heart of Darkness" novel entitled "Mad's Guide to Pro-Wrestling" or something like that. (Uhhhh... maybe it was in Cracked)

Dear Sparky and Spankette, My net-girlfriend wants me to leave my wife, job, home, and cat to go and do very dirty things with her repeatedly. Should I go? More to the point, why am I still here writing this question when there's flights hourly?
-That tall bloke you never really liked-
Dear Tall Bloke I Never Really Liked, Of course flying around having sex sounds like a good idea, but there are a few serious drawbacks. There's the possibility of picking up a bad case of TWAIDS. And would you believe, those oxygen masks don't work unless you're actually crashing?

I'm naked and I love you.
-anonymous visitor-
I'm fully clothed and I'm scared.

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