Last week, I had a friend who was really depressed. Everybody's been trying real hard to cheer him up but to no avail. Well, finally, I came up on a great idea! I wrote several encouraging messages (such as "We love you Max!!" and "Max, you look really good when you're depressed!!") on pieces of paper, tied them to bricks, and then threw those bricks through his window. We all expected him to come out jovial and happy, depression lifted. But instead, he came out a raving lunatic. We had him committed. The question is, why didn't this work?
-Whyteshadow-
Dear Whyteshadow, cheering up friends is always a tricky business, next time try tying on some flowers and a box of candy.
-Sparky-

Hey Onions, I wanna get a definite B on my math report card grade. Besides bribing the teacher, how can I ensure I get a B?
-GeniusGirl-
Pollen, pollen, pollen.
-Spanky-

How do I get my other glove back? You know... the bloody one that they used as evidence! Can you help?
-O. Simpson... no thats too obvious... I might as well say O.J.Simpson if I'm gonna be THAT obvious!... lets try O.J.S.... yeah... sure that'll do... as long as no one knows it's The Juice I'm fine... oops... have I been typing all of this?-
Dear O.J.S. I believe it would be way too tough for you to get into the police evidence locker, (I understand they stock the donuts there) I suggest you find somebody with a glove just like the one you lost, stab them to death, and just take it.
-Fish-

Dear Sparky and freeze-dried Spanky, How do we KNOW that Spanky REALLY died from too many noodles? I think you, Sparky, lied. You are no better than Billy "the fat slob that likes ugly women to lick his weinershchonizele" Clinton! Prove to all of us that Spanky REALLY died from noodles. I think the TRUTH is, you killed Spanky and freeze-dried her because you were jealous that she had split from your OWwwwvoice site and was receiving her OWN awards for her web site, which, btw, is MUCH better than YOURS!
-Bite me, buddy.... S'mores-
Dear S'mores, Perhaps you're not aware of this, but over 14,000 people actually died from the dreaded Ramen Noodle disease just this last year, it's a painful way to go I don't mind telling you, screaming, profuse sweating, flopping around like a fish, some farting... and that was just from holding her hand while she slept. BTW, the next question is muuuuch better than yours!
-Sparky-

If your brother can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground, is it OK to take him golfing?
-anonymous visitor-
As long as you don't let him pull out his putter I think you'll be okay. However, I don't recommend taking him snake hunting, unless you have an ambulance handy.
-Sparky-

Should Silent Bob have his own talk show?
-Hearth Cat-
A lot of people aren't aware that "Silent Bob" actually did have a radio show back in the 70's, where he communicated his views through a series of farts, whistles and tap dancing. Sadly, the show was suddenly canceled when a careless stagehand lit a cigarette during one of Bob's more long winded speeches.
-Sparky-

My boss is a dork and my job sucks. What's the most colorful way you can think of to quit?
-anonymous visitor-
Drive a heavy truck of explosives through the building, and into his office...roll the window down, give him the "you're all about to die" look, and then without saying a word, hold up a large sign with really tiny writing that says "I quit" (add a dramatic pause for effect) and then get out of the truck and ask if you can still use him as a reference.
-Fish-

How can I get into the 2002 Olympic Games in Salt Lake City? Do I have to skate like a little pixy or smoke enough "funny cigarettes" to make it? Or is it actually based on talent? Please answer.
-Mr. I.M.Godd-
While skating like a little pot smoking pixy may sound like the quick easy road to the Olympics, in reality it takes years of hard work, dedication and perseverance to excel in your chosen event and we should all stand up (rhetorically of course) and applaud all the fine Olympiads for the incredible job they've done over the decades. (Wait it out, I understand they're going to add Hula-Hooping)
-Sparky-

I actually have a good idea this time. You guys should have a jokes page, and have people send in jokes, and you can reject them all, like you do the questions. Please, can we do that please?
-Mad Anthony Wayne-
Frankly, adding "jokes" to our humor site struck me as a rather unusual and daring idea, but we here at Ow! are always open to new ideas and suggestions. We would be very happy to accept any jokes you ,or any of our other visitors feel like sending in provided they've been stolen from a really hilarious site.
-Sparky-

Why does the toilet flush one way in Canada, but in another way in Australia? I was thinking that it would have to do with the twisted psychology of Canadians, but then I realized that it flushed the same way in the US. What way does it flush in England? Or are they too good that they don't even have to use the washroom?
-Shanda Panda-
I was just wondering, if I get a swirly here and then fly to Australia, will that fix my hair?
-Spanky-

If you dropped a cat from a really high place, say the U.N. building in the middle of a snowstorm in July. What would b the angle of attack necessary to achieve peak velocity to create the best "CAT sPLaT." Unless the snow was bad enough to distort the aero-dynamics to achieve this velocity. Then would you blame that on EL ÑINO?
-Captain Rockstar-
The angle of dangle,
And the blow of the snow,
Speeds the splat of the cat on the pavement below.
Your blame is a frame, the victim ya know,
It's poor poor innocent ol' El Ñino.
Not to mention the stressful descension,
Of the cat in the splat "Now I see, Gravity!"
Thought the cat as the splat met his paw.
It's not just a good idea my friend... it's the law.
-Dr. Fish-

Hyperspace Physics: If the matter/anti-matter tanks on a galaxy class starship are 9/10ths depleted, calculate the intermix ratio necessary to reach a starbase 100 light years away at Warp Factor 8.
-anonymous visitor-
This one's easy, 14% Deuterium, 70% Antideuterium, a little hotdog water and a small box of Ferengi chocolates. Don't forget to prime the injectors with koranium, last time Scotty forgot to and nearly blew Spock's ears off. (Try some of the neodilithium on crackers, it's fantastic!)
-Sparky-

How does a thermos keep hot things hot and cold things cold?
-anonymous visitor-
Pretty damn good, try it yourself sometime, it's amazing!
-Fish-

Because of his heavy heroin problem in the 70's, Keith Richards was know to skip out to Switzerland and have his blood drained, filtered and then replaced with fresh plasma that was not always his own. However, even with this liver/kidney/heart saving treatment, Richards still looks like he's been dead, and been buried, for about 20 years. Now, since this never improved his (1) quality of life, (2) his sex appeal (or lack thereof), or (3) his poor musical talent, one must assume that these treatments where not a complete success. My question is, why don't they make a SPAM flavored Jell-O? Personally, I think it would be a hot item.
-simian-
Jeepers, I thought that was what the stuff was packed in.
-Spanky-

What happens when you put a tourniquet around a bologna sausage?
-Nan-
Your sandwich gets really chewy.
-Sparky-