Yesterday my brother came home from school with a new goldfish. Mom wouldn't let him have it. So he cried. I laughed at him. Mom sent me to my room. I cried. My brother laughed at me. Mom sent him to his room. Dad came home with a new woman. Mom wouldn't let him keep her. Dad cried. Mom laughed at him. Are we a dysfunctional family, or is this a result of El Ñino?
-Nan-
Dear Nan, While El Ñino may seem like a convenient crutch, I believe what you need to do here is get the entire family involved in some individual, as well as group counseling. An outside professional viewpoint can be instrumental in shedding light on various aspects of built up animosities between the enablers and co-dependents as well as exposing and curing any manic and/or bi-polar behaviors... or you could just stab them all to death in their sleep.
-Sparky-

There's this guy I like, and it seems he likes me, but he sends mixed signals. (That might just be that I am unpopular and he doesn't want SOME of his friends to know, since I am unpopular, and when he was sending bad vibes he was in the company of friends.) We have almost everything in common, and I really like him. I THINK him and his friends have been sending me signals that he likes me. So does he like me Spanky?
-GeniusGirl-
What type of signals were they sending you, train signals, smoke signals, turn signals? Best way to find out how a guy feels about you is to have one of your girlfriends sleep with him and ask him.
-Spanky-

Do you ever submit questions to yourselves, when the pickings are really bad?
-anonymous visitor-
Hehe, I sent this one in, which one was yours this week Spanky?
-Sparky-

Hi Onions, During my time here I've laughed a little, cried a little and learned a lot. But what still bothers me is what's up with aerosol cheese? Or how about diet spray butter? Are we entering an age when all food stuffs will come in a spray can? Spray Mutton? E-Z-Coleslaw in a can? Where is it headed!
-<<Ogre>>-
I know, I tried some of that pepper spray on a baked potato, it was awful.
-Spanky-

Does the Vatican disperse unruly demonstrators with a holy water cannon?
-anonymous visitor-
Why yes they do, when faced with any riot situation the Holy S.W.A.T (Salvation Without Any Trouble) Team steps in. Equipped with bullet-proof bibles and father billy clubs, they can quickly disperse any parishioner uprising by marching in surrounded with alter boys, they then unleash the holy water, whack the crap outta the entire crowd, then it's back to the Vatican for a quick bible thump usually followed by back-slappings all around.
-Sparky-

Do Whales Fart?
-anonymous visitor-
No, because they don't have any fingers for you to pull.
-Spanky-




I've been missing my ex-girlfriend a lot lately. The guy at the gun shop says it's because my aim is bad, but I think my sights need to be adjusted. What do you think?
-Big Ed-
Dear Ed, I think what you need hear is not so much more target practice or site adjustment, but rather I think you just need a larger girlfriend.
-Spanky-

If two lesbians were getting it on in your front yard, would you watch??
-anonymous visitor-
Oh sure, you think it's funny. We had to have a sprinkling system installed just to keep 'em away.
-Spanky-

What's your opinion on neutrality?
-Slush-
It's okay, but sometimes my car rolls down the hill.
-Sparky-

After watching numerous episodes of Speed Racer I am left in shock at the shabby treatment of poor Chim Chim. Why do they make him dress identical to that super hyper brat Spridel? Isn't this monkey abuse? And who the heck came up with all those silly names anyway? Please explain as I await you words of wisdom on this matter.
-simian-
This question is too tough for you Sparky... (Spanky knocks Sparky out)... Dear simian, a lot of people aren't aware of this but Chim Chim was a pro golfer and always came straight to work without changing.
-Spanky X-

Remember when I wrote to you last year? Well, I was wrong; they DO smell.
-anonymous visitor-
Of course I remember, it was yaks.. no, it was something about cheese... uh skunks? Well, either way, I'm very happy to hear that you were wrong.
-Sparky-

Act out an episode of Jerry Springer.
-anonymous visitor-
Slut! (Whack!) Whore! (Slap!) Hey, that's my boyfriend! Hey, that's my girlfriend's girlfriend! Why didn't you tell me you were a man you penis toting bastard?! (Sharp punch to the groin!) You slept with my father you chicken-legged slut! (Punch, Duck!) You're not my father? (Slap, slap!) You did what to the dog? You stole my midget lover you bitch! (Swack!) Tune in tomorrow for "Crack Fiend Nuns Who Want to Break the Habit, and Their Domineering Law Student Pimps."
-Sparky-

I've developed a hybrid between a Sunflower and a Venus Flytrap that eats small birds and rodents. Do you know of anyone who might be interested in buying these things?
-Jason-
Now if you can just get them to smell like cheese you could revolutionize the mousetrap industry.
-Spanky-

If Denny's never closes, why do they have locks on the doors?
-anonymous visitor-
Just in case they see you coming.
-Sparky-

I was at the grocery store yesterday, and happened to notice a container of cat food that had a big sticker on it that said "Freshness Guaranteed". How exactly does one KNOW if it's fresh or not.....I mean HEY, **I'M** not gonna test it...
-Da Ranman-
If your cat flips over and drops dead it's not very fresh.
-Spanky-

Çàñ ÿóù t裣 mÉ whÅt ï§ wr°Ñg w¡th m¥ ¢Öm¶ÜtÉr¿
-Mr· ƒ¡zz£ê§ ÷º-
In actuality the root of your problem may not be with your computer, but rather with your typing skills. I suggest you get one of those map things like you see on piano, it'll tell you what each key is right above it.
-Spanky-