Hello Viewers, Some of you might recall that a couple of weeks ago your regular co-host Spanky, dropped dead from an allergic reaction to Ramen Noodle Soup. In hopes that they can find a cure for death in the near future, we've had her cryogenically frozen. The Cryotech says she can answer some of the questions this week but we are still searching for a cure and will try almost any suggestions.
What's the best way to empty your bladder?
Well, first you have to totally fill the bladder. This is best done by using a number seven garden hose with 75PSI of pressure hooked to a fire hydrant using a 14F connector, and half a roll of duct tape. Emptying it however is a little tricky. First, you'll need to warm up the bladder a little, I suggest an Ace #22027 small intake hand propane torch or if you're not in any kind of hurry, rub your body on the rug a few times. At this point you'll need to get up on the roof to achieve maximum drainage. Simply apply pressure to the bladder using either a "14x Multi-Bend Aluminum Hose Clamp" or an "Acme 25 Gauge Ceramic Reinforced Testicle Grabber" (illegal in some states) this should do the trick.
Spanky, Have you ever done anything cruel to anyone?
Dear Bop, Once I returned a library book a day late because I couldn't get there on time. I had had the stomach flu and a 107.3 fever and couldn't get out of bed all day. I felt so bad about what I'd put the librarian through, that over the next several weeks I put apology notes in the librarian's mailbox, sent her flowers and candy, but she still wouldn't forgive me... so I fed her dog anti-freeze and hung his decapitated head on her car antenna. Thanks for asking. Damn, that reminds me, my movie was due back yesterday.
Some people will do anything for attention. For example; sometime in the mid-seventies, Yoko Ono, a self-proclaimed "performance artist" decided to "create" a performance work that was to rock the New York art scene. Getting one of her hapless assistants to capture a jar of house flies, she then dowsed these poor creatures in her favorite perfume. Then Ono sent this pathetic sap out into the middle New York city with the jar of scented flies where he was to release them. After which, Ono was to re-capture the now free, aromatic flies by using her perfume as a guide to their location. However, no one seemed to have the common sense to tell her that you can't locate a tiny creature like a house fly in a huge place like New York city using only your sense of smell. After several hours without luck, the "performance" ended unsuccessfully. She never located the original flies. There are several conclusions to this true story: (1) Yoko Ono is an idiot, (2) She took far too many drugs that day, or (3) Both. Now, my question is, how many weeks after the expiration date has expired is government cheese still considered safe?
If you add some government expired macaroni, you can tack another 8 months onto it.
I've been in the hospital as a result of a nasty incident involving Origami wherein I sustained several thousand paper cuts and nearly bled to death over the course of a week. Do you guys have type Y+ blood? I need a victim, er... I mean donor.-
I think I'm typo O, but I'm not positive. The real problem here is your apparent disregard for wearing the proper safety equipment during your Origami session. Next time be sure to get some UV protected official Origami safety night vision goggles, some flame retardant steel reinforced socks and a shark cage. In the event of an accident just remember, stop, drop and fold.
Do you think that when you paint your walls that air gets trapped between the old paint and the new paint?
Usually just parts of my rags and loose hairs get caught between the old paint and the new paint at my house. To avoid the unsightly build up of air between your paint layers you may want to have an inexpensive and stylish airlock installed on your front door and turn you house into a giant vacuum chamber. This is especially handy in the fall, just open your door and it'll suck all the leaves in and you won't have to rake!
My, uh, inflatable rubber "companion" insists that I wear a condom. I think it's silly, but Lord knows I'm not ready to raise a balloon yet. Should I break up with her or just wear the redundant rubber?
Dear Big Ed, I think if you truly respect the one you love, you should bend to the woman/rubber facsimile's wishes. I'm constantly hearing; "If you want Spanky, cover your wanky."
If I stapled my thumbs and forefingers together, would it be easier to hang from bars?
Frankly I don't think this would be any help whatsoever at the bar, you'd be spilling your beer all the time, playing darts would be risky, and opening a pack of peanuts would be next to impossible, (like it's not now).
Is there any simple way to tell if flowers are faux or real? besides eating them, I mean.
-Fred The Stick Figure-
Smack somebody with them, all the bees'll fall out of the real ones.
If I were a raccoon and my name was Joe, would I be able to go to my neighbors and sit on their Lazy-boys while they were in Florida? By the way...how far away is Florida?
Do you mean from *your* Lazy Boy, or your neighbors?
I have a big date with Jonny on Friday night, and I'm like sooo nervous. Will I look sexier in a lime-green tube top or a pink spandex catsuit?
I think it's important for any woman to be satisfied with her clothing and her body in general. Sally Minella's "Big Book of Dressing Like a Slut" says that a tube top not only shows off your hooters, but also makes a handy tourniquet if you break a leg or something.
If you're my hosts, does that make me a parasite?
Yeah, and knock it off, that's my tie you're sucking on.
Did you know that right after you open up Excel 97, if you type F5, then x97:l97 (that's an "L", not a one), then hit enter, then tab, then hold down Control and Shift and with the mouse click on the chart wizard icon, you can fly around purple mountains? You think I'm kidding? Try it!
-Dude w/ too much free tyme-
This is amazing! Substitute the L with a B and it's the only way I can shut down Windows 95 on my computer. (or was that start my microwave, I forget)
Do onions have sex? If they do, how? Where do they hide their packets? Is Spanky your sister, Sparky, or just a partner in friendly onionhood? Would you have sex with her either way?
-(Pervert curious about onions)-
Let's see, yes, it pops out when we need it, no, partner, I've been that drunk.
9:30am. I had breakfast, but I'm already hungry again. Maybe I have a tapeworm. You think I have a tapeworm? Yeah, he's probably sitting in my stomach right now, belching after those two Nutri-Grain bars (which were too damn expensive for the amount of food, I think), and laughing at me cuz he ate all my food. Maybe if I swallowed a lit match, I could give him third-degree burns. Actually, that idea isn't half-bad. You guys got a match?
Yeah, Janet Reno and Chewebacca.
Eh, Spanky, spank me!
While we'd like to spank all our visitors, there just aren't enough hours in the day to do so. Here's what you do, get a job on an oil rig, strap yourself to the drill head, close your eyes and just pretend it's me, okay?
So how long has wwwvoice (now of course known as Ow!) been going on for, or is it one of those "since the dawn of time" things?
Dear Raven, Thanks for asking. I think we're currently suffering our mid-life crisis and will soon be either going bald or growing a lot of hair all over the place. We're proud to say we've been confusing our visitors now since May of 1996.