Visitor Question of the Week Archive #69
Not "too new" articles for you and your whole family to enjoy!

Hey! my face.
Dear Viewers, Some of you might recall last week that your regular co-host Spanky, dropped dead from an allergic reaction to Ramen Noodle Soup. Although she was ready to meet her maker, turns out her maker wasn't all that ready to go through the ordeal of meeting her. So Spanky has kindly consented, even though she's stiff as a board, to pop in and answer some of the questions this week.

Sparky, what now will you do with the body, er, the bulb, er, whatever? I was thinking you could chop her up, dehydrate her, then sprinkle her on a pot-roast. PS; I sent a donation to the noodle foundation.
-OK bye.... hookedonvoice-
Well, right now Spanky's body is sort of just laying around the house. I tried her as a doorstop but she's so light, the door just shot her across the yard. I don't mind telling you though, she's damn handy to put in the passenger seat so you can drive in the carpool lanes during rush hour.

Spanky! I am going to the store now, for bread and junk. Do you need me to pick up anything for you?
-Strawberry Melon-
Thanks Strawberry, you're a real lifesaver. We're having an important dinner party tonight and I inadvertently forgot a few things, I'd really appreciate it if you could grab them for me; 20 World War II Helmets, one pair of night vision goggles, a sawed off shotgun, a box of surgical gloves (extra large) and one of those glass dome things you shake and it snows... thanks!

Fish Is it possible for you to kill someone with a pen that has a rubber fish attached? If not, what are some other uses for this that I may not realize?
Top five entertaining things to do with a rubber fish attached to the end of a pen.
5. Great for stopping nosebleeds.
4. Keeps you from chewing on the end of your pen. (works best if it's a real fish)
3. Dorsal fin makes great back scratcher.
2. Good for stirring your coffee (no chance of it drowning)
And the number one use for a rubber fish attached to the end of a pen:
1. Great for teasing cat erasers.

Would Saddam Hussein look better in a cowboy hat or a rainbow clown wig?
-anonymous visitor-
I think he'll be sporting a nice Tomahawk Missile turban this season.

Sparky so sorry about the recent death of Spanky! I sent flowers did you get them? And will you be teaming up with that nasty Cranky from now on?
-anonymous visitor-
Thanks much for the flowers, they were delicious. Cranky says she won't do the questions with Sparky on a regular basis owing to some pending commitments with the "Kill The Whales Foundation" "Ski Equipment for Africa" and "The Baby Seal Club."

Hey onions! I was doing some recreational autopsy last night (a little hobby of mine) and I thought to myself, "How has the word organ come to mean so many things?" I mean we have: 1. Internal Organs 2. Organs like the kind you play. 3. Organs like the kind Monica Lewinsky plays with. and so forth. Is this another one of those 'Aloha' words?
Zoinks! What a coincidence, we went on vacation to Oregon last year.

How does Xena, Warrior Princess fight so quickly when she has all that decorative metal on her leather babe-suit? I would think it would slow her down.
-anonymous visitor-
A lot of people aren't aware that in the pilot episode of Xena Warrior Princess, Xena was originally named Marsha, a groovy girl in a mini-skirt and flowered shirt who was shipwrecked with seven castaways, bumbling first mate Horseshack, the Skipper know as uh... the Skipper, Moe, Larry and Gabrial, Major Healy a world renowned kite expert, and an Eskimo. None of the major networks would pick it up due to it's unrealistic premise and extreme violence (Moe had this thing about Eskimos) so the production company decided to change the entire format and shoot for the high ground... lotsa boob jiggling.

I bet 50 bucks you dorks have a bunch of *cute* little dressed up onions on your desk. You've got stupid Sesame street names for your onions too: Mr. Pi, Smiley, Barky, Dinky, Porkie...Why don't you name one WINKY, or PUSSIE??? or are you too WUSSY to offend someone? huh!!??
Dear IdoV00D00, while we'd like to use some of the "cutting edge" names you mentioned above as well as others like; "Pooforbrains", "Weeniehead", "Buttsniffer" and "IdaTheSlutWithAnAttitude" we find that we are unable to because new visitors would probably think we're total morons. (Hey, Totalmoron, that's got a nice ring to it)
-Sugar Honey Sweetie Pie-

If the only bank machine I'm physically able to get to at this time is out of order, and I have no cash, and I'm hungrier than a T-Rex, if I starve to death, can I sue the bank? How much money do you think a bank has?
-anonymous visitor-
Well I'm not really sure how much money a bank has but I know it's got none of mine. The basic problem her however is your impending starvation. Here's what you do; Pop all the keys off the ATM machine and mash them up with a garlic press, dice up your bank card in a food processor, shred up a few of your deposit slips with a cheese shredder then, wad them all up, stuff the whole mess into an empty Pringles© can, go down to your local MacDonalds and threaten to blow the head off the server if he doesn't give you a Big Mac©.

Was the whole "Spanky's dead" thing one of those "Bobby Ewing dies and dreams an entire season of Dallas" type things? If not, to whom am I supposed to make a generous donation in Spanky's name and who's going to play her in the made for TV movie?
Don't be silly, Spanky's mostly dead. The only reason she's answering any questions this week is because Barky dug her up. Boy, you'd think somebody would forgive you for accidentally burying them alive... but noooo, she's gotta go and make a Federal case out of it.

Now that Spanky is dead, could I contact her spirit in a seance? Or does she have an e-mail up in heaven? Could she come back and haunt Sparky?
Haunt him? Are you kidding, I'm walking around with a shovel just waiting for him to fall asleep.

If Spanky's dead, then how come she's still alive on this page -- and on the page with the delivery guy? I think it's a big government cover-up. You think Spanky has an implant in her neck? Oh, wait, she doesn't have a neck...
-anonymous visitor-
I think you're a little confused here, the government is not trying to cover up Spanky's neck and the delivery guy... she swears, he's just a friend.

My grandpa always gave me Werther's Originals, but he sucked on 'em first. Am I very special, too?
-anonymous visitor-
Well I certainly hope he took his teeth out.

Ahoy laddies! Sorry to hear 'bout yer good pal O'Spanky. She was a fine lass. Me question fer the week is, do ye think it be too early to be celebratin' fer Saint Patty's Day? I've got me a load of green Irish beer, an' I'd hate fer it to go to waste.
-Mr. "to be read with an Irish accent" O'Fizzles-
Dear Mr. Fizzles, In my opinion, it's never too early celebrate Saint Patrick's Day. Here in Chicago they traditionally paint the Chicago River green and I don't mind telling you, I can't tell the difference. Hey Fizzles, what do you call an Irish homosexual?... Gaelic!

Reject me! Reject me! Okay?
-anonymous visitor-
Although we'd really like to reject your question, we find that we're unable to this week because we need just one more really short question to complete this page. I suggest that if you want to be assured of being rejected in the future, try sending in something deep, poignant, topical, and about 300 words.

It was with great sorrow and heartache that I read about the demise of our beloved Spanky. Oh the pain! Oh the indignation! I vow never again to be coerced into asking silly questions about, er, those things that Spanky hates. You know, those long dough-like things that look all worm like and stuff that hide out in soups and Italian food. So what, what pray-tell, can I do to bring her back? I'll do anything - save sell one of my kidneys. Tell me! Tell me!
-guilt-ridden simian-
Thanks much simian, that's very nice of you to offer. You'll be happy to know however that Spanky's doing much better now and is only "dead," as opposed to Saturday when she was "stone dead." Friday she was "dead as a doorknob" which the doctor remarked was a definite improvement over Thursday when she was "Stiff as a board" and Wednesday when she was taking the "big dirt nap." Tuesday she was a "dead duck" and worst of all, Monday she was "dead broke."

Spanky's gone?!? Where can I send flowers and how do I get this tray of lasagna to you?
-Sad Cherries-
Akkkk, nooo, I'm allergic to lasagna!

You thought you knew Ow! but you were wrong. Will Spanky and Sparky finish the stupid responses on time? Will Spanky come back to life or remain a bloated, stinking, festering, corpse? Will Dinky ever get over his inferiority complex? Does Barky have worms? Tune in next time, on Ow!*

*Exciting trailer blurb by Dominius Mookpiloh

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