Dear Viewers, Last week we received an abnormal number of questions referring to Ramen Soup (they're on the rejected page if you wanted to see 'em) so your regular host Spanky won't be doing the questions anymore due to her being allergic to noodles and subsequently dropping dead. (Oh yeah, here's her parting words ya' morbid bunch of jerks) Your other regular half-witted host, Sparky will be missing a couple of weeks while he's busy with the details of the upcoming garage sale to sell her stuff. (All that wimp had to say about the whole thing was this)

I and some of the other onionheads will be filling in until further notice. That crap out of the way, here's this weeks questions:

Why wasn't the option of "A blow up cigar" in the Fidel Castro poll question.
-Aussie-
It's been tried, he didn't even notice. As near as I understand it he just figured it was another sniper with poor aim.
-Cranky-

Are there really vicious, blood-thirsty monsters under my bed, or did my friends just say that to scare me?
-Mr. Fizzles-
Not too worry Mr. Fizzles, monsters don't really exist, except in the vivid imaginations of the young and the senile. Although it's still a good idea to check under your bed every night for Nazis, Walmart greeters, and rabid dogs.
-Mr. P.I.-

What ever happened to the other one thousand nine hundred ninety-eight Blues Brother movies? Is that some sort of record for sequels?
-Jadie-
A good guess is that Dan Ackroyd ate 'em. He's been making the "big screen" look smaller as of late.
-Smiley-

Do you onions feel any hatred for, competition with, dislike of or other sentiment about The Onion? I have to admit I love that site as much as this one, and I have to say that loving both of them, well its breaking all the rules......
-<<The Slightly Romantic, Ogre>>-
I should point out that we had this whole onion idea first, but that would be petty, so I won't. The Onion is a great site that as near as I understand, only takes about 57 people and 125,000 dollars a year to keep updated. We really can't compete because there's only two of us, and one of us is dead!
-Barky-

If you were suddenly granted the chance to have one super power, with the restriction that it has to be totally useless (i.e. Eat Linoleum Man or Terrify Squirrels Girl) what power would you choose?
- Magritte (Not the French Surrealist, he's dead) (Wish I could paint that well though) (ah, well) (I'd best stop here, don't you think?)-
Well I always wanted to be an ax murderer, but I guess that's not really all that useless. "Pocket Calculator Boy" has a nice ring to it and then I'd probably have a bigger digit too. I could be the fearless "Boulder Throwing Man" by day and the amiable reporter "Ben Gay" by night.
-Dinky-

Why do they cover up dead people at the scene of an accident? It's not like I want to see it or anything....well, ok, I'm a tad curious. Shaddup already! As if you wouldn't want to see a dead person just once in your lifetime?
-IdoV00D00-
What? They should prop them up in a chair or something? Maybe you'd like to see more dead guys out on the interstate highways driving semi trucks. They cover dead people up so the cops don't get donut sprinkles on them.
-Cranky-

Hello my great onionhead friends. if the two of you were to meet in the ring in a battle royal with the Spice girls, do you suppose that they would secretly bring out their fat, overbearing, smelly, obnoxious, older sister named Bubba Spice, and would the world be glued to their T.V. sets as she begins to rip off your little onion faces while the rest of the spice girls argue about who is wearing the shortest skirt, OR, would you two show us some onion muscle and whip those sissy widdle iddy biddy bitches hinie-whinie's till they turn bwoo?
-The great "Barnaby wild" says "LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE! oh by the way he strikes again too.-
All you gotta do is wave a shiny new grammy in their faces and tell them it's going to the "Hansons" because Sporty and Posh have "real" breasts.
-Junkie-

Why don't you do like Jeopardy one week, and have us send you guys answers, allowing you to supply the questions?
-anonymous visitor-
Th-th-that's a bu bu gre.. gre.. gre.. fantastic idea! I th-th-think we should bu bu sta.. sta.. sta.. begin with: "How the hell du-du-did I, a Warner Brothers cartoon, end up on this stu-stu-stupid website?"
-Porky-

I wuz just wanting to know if this site is year 2000 compliant cuz I work in a fi-nancial institution and we're required to be 100% compliant including all our people we do bizness with. I hope you are 'cuz I sometimes visit your website when I'm at work.
-Cousin Ernie-
We here at Ow! don't condone wasting valuable time while at work, generally interrupting your productivity and slowing down the work flow, we've contacted your boss and he'll be coming by later today to yank all the w's off your keyboard.
-Cranky-

Dear Spanky and Sparky, For the first time in my life, I have had to go to a psychiatrist. I started seeing one several weeks ago after being overcome with feelings of rejection and isolation. In my therapy it has been discovered that the root of my problem seems to be that my last five questions to you, Spanky and Sparky (herein referred to as the, "Rotten Defendants") have been REJECTED. After having my very first question "accepted," my self-esteem was deceptively elevated to an unrealistic high, only to be RUTHLESSLY SLAPPED DOWN by the Rotten Defendants and their nasty rejections. If I were to file a civil suit against you in Federal Onion Court seeking punitive damages, how would you plead?
-Dave-
I don't actually have an answer for this question, I just stuck it here to put this guy over the edge.
-Cranky-

Dear Spanky; I tried your "Ask Spanky" gizmo and got a rather brusque and colorful recommendation. I thought I'd try contacting you personally. I have two questions...the second is in two parts but since they both deal with the same subject, by my reckoning, they count as one. First, am I allowed more than one question? If the answer is no, disregard the preceding inquiry. Secondly, as you may be aware, I have an advice column of my own, "Dear Rick", and have been plagued of late by the dilemma of whether or not it is ethical ('legal' isn't an issue) to charge for my advice. Lastly, how much do I owe you.
-Regards, Rick McCluskey-
Dear Rick, in actuality, we'd prefer it if everybody only sent in a half a question, we'd take those questions, meld them together into single questions and create a kind of a poetic mish-mash of self conflicting opinions. As for charging for advice, I know for a fact that only cheap bastards visit this site, I have no nickels to prove it.
-Cranky-

Town A and Town B are twenty miles apart. If Bill Clinton jogs from Town A at 5:30am to go a-woman-huntin', traveling at four miles per hour, and a tribe of Amazons clad in leopard-skin loincloths leaves Town B at 5:46am, out for blood, traveling at 20 miles per hour (they have golf carts), how long before Slick Willy has to talk his way out of a sticky situation, and does he escape from the Amazons, or do they roast him over a campfire and not inhale the smoke?
-anonymous visitor-
Of course he escapes, he sneaks off while the Presidential Seal does the "horn trick" to distract them.
-Dinky-