Visitor Question of the Week Archive #67
Not "too new" articles for you and your whole family to enjoy!

Hey! my face. There are many bald people in the world today. Why don't they all meet up together in some secret hideaway and plan some kind of strategy to conquer and rule the world?
-Love, Blooey Kablooey Kablam Blardushken Blardony Telefunken-
Mainly because they all have an inferiority complex due to a lack of hair. In general, only really hairy guys make good ruthless dictators, Saddam Hussien, Fidel Castro, Barney the dinosaur. Not to mention, if they all got together in one place, the glare would probably do permanent damage to the ozone layer.

Hey! my face. AAww... coochy coochy coo! Dear Onionhead of state, I acquired this tender photo of young Spanky at a garage sale. If you don't want it (and the other...uh, ...compromising pictures ) plastered on every tabloid TV show, you'd better send me $2308.41 in small, unmarked bills quick! I mean it. Onionside Edition is stalking me already! the negatives are in a safe place...for now.
-Vydalia's evil twin-
Tell you what, I'll trade you an x-ray of Sparky's head and 24 pictures of my lens cap.

Reverend Jough If you were to travel on "The Love Boat", what famous "guests" on the show would you try and throw overboard?
-anonymous visitor-
Should the Reverend Jough ever be unfortunate enough to make his way onto the Love Boat, I assure you that Julie, your cruise director, would have her chipper ass tied to a bilge line and be dragged behind the boat so that the little kiddies could watch the sharks eviscerate her bloating, perky carcass. Theoretically speaking, of course.
-Reverend Jough-

Spanky, have you ever considered making a major stylistic change--y'know, like wearing a green bow instead of a pink one, or maybe finding a mannequin without a head and plunking down on top of it?
-Yicky Doodle-
I once tried on a Barbie body but I had to have it removed, those plastic boobs are a real "anatomically incorrect, plastic hair, wooden smiled, genitally challenged geek" magnet.

Hey, I wanna get a job here and answer people's stupid questions. How much money do I have to slip you guys in order to do so?
Anybody can answer these questions, just to prove it we've rearranged the words in your question above and answered the next question with them.

Valentine's Day Question: On a date is it acceptable at the end of it to press a 20 dollar bill into the hand of the person you went out with and say 'Thanks.'? I'm trying to figure out if that was why I got slapped.
Hey, you order a so job and get much stupid money in her slip and here do?

Do sporks go on the right or left side when serving Spam fruitcake? Or should I just cut dessert altogether?
-~MWUAHAHAHA! The Spam Girl~-
I checked in "One Eyed Al's Big Book of Cutlery Handling" and he indicates that sporks should be quickly breathed on and then placed on the guest's nose. This prevents them from being mistaken for back scratchers. They're also handy for stabbing a man while he sleeps after a long night of adultery with your wife... or so I've heard.

If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, who would you want to take with you?
-Bucky Hillshire-
Well of course I'd like to take Sparky with me as well as anybody that's ever sent in a "woodchuck/speed of light/ATM brail/buildings built/sky blue/mime/tree forest or drive on a parkway, and park on a driveway" question... And also, that customs agent who did the cavity search.

Alright! I say this question doesn't get rejected because it doesn't contain anything to do with a certain man in high authority who did a certain thing with a certain female. Okay. I was surfin' around, not doing anything, when I was hit with a brilliant idea. Where is the Ow! Fanclub page? I mean, I'd be president, (naturally, I'd have a bunch of interns) Of course, if I have to do any work, I'd let someone else be prez. (I'd still get the interns.) SO WHERE'S THE FAN CLUB?
-anonymous visitor-
Generally speaking, whenever any fan club gets started it's not usually created by the fannies so much as the fanners. You being the fanner would need to create the club, get some people involved, make up some cards and posters and stuff and then, ask the fannies to endorse it. (look, I'm the butt of my own joke)

How many Spice Girls could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck Spice Girls?
Dear Meggy, I think this might make an interesting movie. How about "Spices of death" they could even add a sixth member... "Decapitated Spice."

I know you guys disapprove of animated gifs, but I made one for the site. You want it or not? I shall save your animated gifless page by giving you my (totally amateur) 3D text doohickey mobobber.

-Supreme Ruler Of The Earth, Dominius Mookpiloh-
Dear Dominius, thank you very much for the snarly "doohickey mobobber." Hey, when that thing stops, what do I win?

Why is it that worms like to come out in the rain?
It's not so much the rain itself that's the cause, it's because during adverse weather conditions ducks tend to stamp on the ground a lot and the worms are just coming up to answer the door.

Just how do you pronounce "jough"? Does it rhyme with "enough" (making it "juff"), or are the "gh" silent like "dough" (making it more like "joe"). Or is each letter pronounced - "johugaha"? And just what is a "jough"?
Jough is pronounced like the -ough in the following sentence: "Tough Jough coughs and hiccoughs as he plows through the dough." I hope that clears up any problems you may have. As for the nature of what a Jough is, you may want to consider the mating patterns of the Tsetse Fly in southern Myanmar. The rapid buzz of the fly's wings make a sound that most closely approximates the bare essence that is the phenomenon known the world over as simply "Jough, maaaan." For a more complete reference, look at Gore Vidal's book "The Jough's I've Loved", under the entry for "El Guapo Hombre" in any Spanish dictionary, or even (if you're desperate) in the gossipy new tell-all unauthorized autobiography titled: "The Sensual Pleasures of Being Jough". Look for the new sitcom "Supplicants Laying Prostrate Before Jough, Their Evil Master and Dark Lord" as a 'Must-See-TV' replacement for Seinfeld, coming this Fall!
-Humbly, Reverend Jough-

While I'm at it, how is "Ow!" pronounced? Does it rhyme with "cow" or "grow"? Maybe you could make an audio file and post it to avoid further confusion.
Neither, it's pronounced like this.

How big can an afro actually grow?
-Doris C.-
Ever see the Mod Squad? The Supreme Court in a recent ruling has determined that a person's fro can be up to, but not exceed the total dry weight of the entire Wayans family, (not counting little "Stands With a Fist")

Do you think that maybe a meteorite from Mars containing life fell to Earth a million years (approx.) ago and evolved into people and fish and elephants and flowers and stuff? Could we all be Martians and we just don't know it?
-The 69 guy-
The general theory is that life came not from Mars, but rather from somewhere near Uranus.

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