Spanky, Have you ever eaten one of those beans inside a beanie baby? They taste like rocks, but my guests love 'em. Should I tell them what they really are, Or market them as an all-time greatest party snack?
-~more screwed up than you and loving it~-
I must say, there's nothing like a steaming bowl of pork & Beanie Babies on a chilly February night. I have tried several recipes at home and here are a few of my favorites: Beanie Burritos, three Beanie salad, Fettabeanie Alfredo, and Eggs Beanadict. I would like to point out, for the benefit of all our animal activists friends, I've been sewing all the skins into a nice beandana.
-Spanky-

Do all clowns carry a dark secret? And if so is there a listing of this somewhere? I just know something was up with Bozo.
-<<Ogre>>-
You may have stumbled onto one of the most closely guarded secrets in history. Much like the Masons, Scientologists, and Republicans, the Clowns also have a super-secret society with apparently odd rituals. The Clowns began in medieval England as a Celtic tribe called the "Klauns" who scared off their enemies by painting their faces white, their noses red, making their hair really curly and red, and wearing oversized shoes (hoping their foes would make the association about the size of a man's feet being directly related to the size of his, uh... "walking stick") so that their opponents would be frightened and thereby easily defeated.
Around 1230, after meeting with Pope Gregory IX, the tribe now calling themselves the "Klowns" decided to change their approach to the world and over the next 200 years began to be known for being "funny and harmless," thereby lulling the world into a false sense of security. The Mymes, being the only tribe who didn't follow the Pope's advice, are still loathed to this day. So are clowns evil? I offer an indefaticable "yes."
-Reverend Jough-

If, as the President contends, oral sex isn't really "sex", how should we classify it? "Damn friendly?"
-Newt-
I'm a little confused here, were they just talking about having sex? I mean, I gave an oral presentation at work last week, and as far as media coverage goes, nothing happened.
-Spanky-

I'm sorry to bring this up, because I know you've been wrestling with the name of this webzine for a long time now, but I was watching TV the other day and Oprah (that lady who's gettin' sued by the beef industry (which is nothing but a cow patty anyway)) has her initials in the opening credits of her show. Now I don't know if you know this but her last name is Winfrey. This means that plastered all over this TV show is OW. I'm really not sure if you want to be associated with this talkshow host or not. You (or she) may be in violation of some sort of copyright laws (I haven't seen the OW since she started taping in Texas) but this may be something to look into.
-Just being a concerned reader SLY-
Today on Ow! Crossdressing Texas midgets who sleep with cows... But first a word from our sponser..... Diarrhea? Nagging headaches? Lower back pain? If these symptoms are keeping you awake at night, why not try the latest in pain prevention from Ronco Industries? Yes, It's Miracle Hat!© Order today, and we'll also include... Miracle Gloves©. Never again waste endless hours searching for lost hand wear, ..........Cat©, the other white meat, ......and now, back to our show, .....I'd like to thank "Big John Sales" and "Travis (hooflicker) Cowpat" for being on our show today... NEXT WEEK: Panty sniffing police dogs and their trigger happy trainers!
-Spanky-

This is a real question. You guys mention Muzak, and I have absolutely no idea what that possibly could be. Could you please explain this, or will you jump on my head?
-vistorette-
(Sparky gets ready to jump on vistorette's head, Spanky grabs vistorette away from Sparky and jams her in an elevator, "shhh... listen")

Bring out yer dead! Bring out yer dead! OH sorry, got carried away. Anyway, here's my question... Sparky: How do you feel about plastic lawn decorations? You know, the fake deer and squirrels and stuff that people put in their front yards.
-Just wondering... Georgia, The Wal-Mart Queen-
Love 'em, I'm currently in the market for a nice breeder pair of "polystyrene geese" and also am very interested in almost any type of "fat lady bending over."
-Sparky-

I had a really scary dream last night that OnionWorld and SpiceWorld merged into one entity and I couldn't figure out what type of Spice Spanky would be..any thoughts?
-Double Shat-
Let's see, the real Spice Girls are called: Posh Spice, Sporty Spice, Scary Spice, Baby Spice and Sexy Spice, so to help maintain the continuity of the group, I think I'd like to be called "Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Spice."
-Spanky-

I wanna be an actress. How do I go about selecting an agent?
-Meghan tatum23@hotmail.com-
Just act like you have one.
-Sparky-

I'm very disappointed, last week the "Question Thingy" was busted. Yeah, sure, I sent in the best questions I ever had. They were stupid, funny and pointless. I think you were just perplexed by my remarkably sophisticated questions, so you got scared and faked it. You're just mean. Uh oh... flashbacks again. Arrgh! You're not my father! I HATE YOU! ARRGGHH!! I don't wanna go to school mommy! AAIIEEE! MWAHAHA! They'll never find the body! BLARG! We're being ambushed! It's Charlie! No! Hawkeye!! Don't die! Why did I rat on my own troops? WHY? uh... Just disregard that flashback. Forget it happened. Why change the name of the site? The Feds on to you?
-Dominius Mookpiloh-
Dear Dominius, you're right, we really have no idea what we're doing here. I mean just look, first we screw up the questions, then we take (<--blatant missing word) perfectly good site and rename it for no reason, forget to update the complaints and then just post a bunch of lame excuses all over the place. Hey, we could get a job at (hmm... we've got one too many White House, Intern, sex related answers this week, so...) my Uncle Filberts worm ranch.
-Sparky-

Why is it that the people on the psychic hotline commercials always have the psychics telling the callers stuff they already know? "You're married!" "Wow, I can't believe it- you're right on the money!" Why don't they ask them things they don't know, like how Sprite can keep its fizz for so long?
- Fred The Stick Figure -
I knew you were gonna ask that. You're a stick figure aren't you? And I'm seeing something about non-cola carbonated soft drinks... You're a drunken, phone owning, stick figure, aren't you? That'll be $3.99.
-Spanky-

Spanky, do you consider taking off your bow getting naked? You don't have any other clothes... or am I just missing something?
-anonymous visitor-
Sure do, that's why Sparky has to put on a goofy hat to "even things up" when we play strip poker.
-Spanky-

Hey! Is Cranky on vacation or something? I haven't seen any fresh complaints! Is she in prison (yet)?
-simian-
Some stupid scout saw her swinging her bat at somebody's head so she's off to spring training. I don't think she's gonna make the cut. Although she's really good at whacking balls with her bat, they rarely go flying over the fence.
-Sparky-

What is a tongue lashing, and how do I get one?
-Jumborama-
Tongue Lashing was first discovered in the fourteenth century when high priests needed to exact punishment on the non-believers. A victims tongue would be pried out of their mouth and smacked several times with a rather small whip. Tongue lashing as we know it today has now evolved into a fine art only practiced by interns at the white house.
-Sparky-

Well, guys, it's just about tax season, and those IRS lizards are already hounding me. I can't use my collection of Medieval torture devices on the bloodsucking bastards, because it woke up the neighbors last time. I tried duct-taping one of their mouths shut, but he was breathing so hard he inhaled it and suffocated before I could start him on "The Surgeon", (a nasty little device I picked up in Eastern Germany. You guys should see it in action). Anyway, my question is, how can I keep these bureaucratic intestinal parasites off of my property, without waking up the whole neighborhood?
-Captain Pyro-
Dear Captain Pyro,
This is a problem that has kept the Reverend Jough mystified for years. Much like the Clowns, the IRS is a secret society who operate with somewhat unknown and mystical powers. As benign as this may sound, the best defense may be a good offense. Collect yourself a nice set of attorneys, accountants, and crack whores and storm the IRS office to pre-emptively audit them before they can get to you.
-Reverend Jough-

Hey, you silly freaks! could u draw a picture of me being tortured by Nazis?
-elvis shortliver-
Sure thing elvis! -->
-Sparky-

Can I guarantee keeping my questions off the rejected page by always mentioning guns, trailer parks, and sex? By the way, who's Bub?
-Big Ed-
Dear Big Ed, there really are no cut and dry rules as to what gets put on the weekly page and what ends up being rejected. Cutting and pasting jokes from another website is always good, as is going into a long dissertation about some former Olympic Curling medalist or sending excerpts from any VCR instruction manual. And just so you know, Bub stands for "Breathtaking User-Friendly Banjo."
-Sparky-

H'lo, just took the poll and had some questions about the questions. The second question (abt Fidel Castro) has as one of the possible answers "Fresh McDonalds coffee." I don't think that fresh can actually describe coffee at McDonalds, so should the question be reworded? Now the Deep Question is asking about celebs getting hit by desserts and I was wondering if these celebs would be clothed or naked (since most of them have appeared on various webpages in various stages of undress). I think that could really tip the scales. Also, what flavor of Jolly Rancher would Ms. McCarthy be hit by? Hey, was the Elton John answer an unintentional pun (fruitcake) or were you guys being clever?
-Dragnrst-
Us? Clever? I think not. Congratulations Dragnrst, I do believe you've uncovered all the errors in this months "Spot the Goof-ups Contest." Please feel free to come down to the studio and collect your 14 sharp raps on the head.
-Sparky-