Visitor Question of the Week Archive #65
Not "too new" articles for you and your whole family to enjoy!

Hey! my face. Why are Americans so fascinated with their Presidents sex life? Does anybody care who's running the country while all this stuff is going on?
-anonymous visitor-
This appears to be two separate questions, so I'd like to answer this questions in two parts, addressing the first part last and the last part only as it pertains to the first part... but I can't, I'm too confused now.

Hey! my face. My Kenmore washing machine has a dial that sets the water level. It has two notations: On the left it says, "Ex Low" and on the right, "Ex High." Should it say "Ex Medium" in the middle? Reply to Sears, not me.
Well I'll tell you Tom, (Tom, that's a funny name) I asked Sears about it but they told me, and I quote: "Tell that no-good, pain-in-the-butt Tom to forget about the "Ex Medium" button or we're gonna whack him up-side the "Softer Side" of his head."

Reverend Jough Can it be considered bad manners to unload your sidearm multiple times while attending a dinner at the U.N. building? I could've sworn our waiter was Saddam Hussein.
-Captain Pyro-
Dear Captain Pyro,
While it's generally expected that sidearms may be fired at the dinner table, it is customary to wait until after the toast, and in some cases, after the dollop of palette cleansing sorbet is served after the first course. This is the type of question that would vary according to circumstances. As for who to fire at? It's usually preferred that you start at the outside and work your way in.
-Reverend Jough-

I have a real problem guys. My husband has a room down in the basement with his computer and weights and other manly things, I am not allowed in there. Well he has been laughing out loud every Monday night for the past couple of months. So curiosity got the best of me and I went down there while he was at work and picked the lock. OH MY GOD!! There are thousands of pictures of Spanky all over the walls with hearts all over them. Oh yeah and Sparky there is one of you on the back of the door with a big red X through it. What should I do?
-Can't Hold a Candle to Spanky-
Hey, does it show my good side?

Dear Spanky, When meditating, what is the best way to keep from thinking about your body, and letting yourself astral project?
-earthbound and irked-
Just pretend you're Chin.. I mean Asian (we're more politically correct now) and behind the wheel of a car.

How come cats eyes glow freaky green when they're in the dark??
-Judith Allowishes-
Did you hold it near a light bulb for a prolonged period of time?

What kind of ketchup does McDonald's use? I've tried every brand I can find and none of them taste as good as the ketchup on my Quarter Pounder. Does McDonald's make their own ketchup? Does that special taste come from the fusing of the burger and the condiments when they've been sitting under the heat lamp all day? Maybe the wrapper has something to do with it... please help.
It's a McSecret.

How could I pick myself up?
- Fred The Stick Figure -
Picking yourself up can be trickier than you might think. I recommend you go to the local bar, buy yourself a couple of drinks then say clever things to yourself like; "What's your sign" or "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this" or "Wow, are those real?"

Well, I went to see Titanic today. It was great---the only problem was, I started laughing when a few of the people were sliding off the ship. I mean, can you blame me? This one guy was sliding down and all of a sudden, he hits one of the propellers. And I'm like, "ouch" and then I start laughing. Let's just say I got several mean looks from the teary-eyed girls sitting near. Was it so wrong of me, Sparky? Should I be ashamed of myself?
Dear Georgia, I haven't actually seen it yet, but it's my understanding that the movie "Titanic" was originally intended as a drama. Generally speaking, when you go see a drama you should try to act as serious as possible, like Tommy Lee Jones did in Men in Black. When you go to see a comedy however, you should try to be as funny as possible, like... Tommy Lee Jones was in Men in Black.

My mobile home was hit by a tornado. Do I have to rebuild from the wheels up?
P.S. If you need a puke-a-rama version of this question -- I threw up when the tornado hit.
-Big Ed-
The good thing about mobile homes getting hit by tornadoes is that 9 times out of 10 it lifts them out of the one trailer park, and subsequently plops them down right in the middle of another park. This is known as the "Trailer Trashing Effect." What you'll need to do is visit some of the local parks, locate your home, and then... just move in there.

Spanky, Sorry about your bad flagpole accident. I'd hate to have to stick my tongue out all the time. How did the flagpole accident happen? I want to know more about it.
-anonymous visitor-
Thanks for asking, it's how Sparky and I met, it was the middle of January, he double-dog-dared me and I, being one to never back down from a dare, stuck my tongue on the flagpole. Lucky thing Sparky had that portable blow torch in his Snoopy lunch box.

If dogs have such a great sense of smell then why are they always smelling each other's butts?
-anonymous visitor-
This is a kind of ritual canine greeting thing, sort of like a handshake, a Japanese bow, or the traditional lawyer's greeting of reaching around behind each others backs and giving each other's wallets a squeeze.

How much dead fiber material could a large woodland rodent dispose of if a large woodland rodent could dispose of dead fiber material?
No matter how you disguise this, you can't fool us. It's that stinky woodchuck question again.

How is it that a person can drink 5 beers (60 Ounces of fluid), and whiz enough to fill an Olympic size swimming pool?
It's the snacks, and here's the algebraic equations to prove it.

How does President Clinton get all these young women? I mean, his politics notwithstanding, he looks like a giant McDonald's Happy Meal.
I understand he has a rather large Presidential Staff. Hey Simian, what's the difference between President Clinton and the Titanic? Only 1500 people went down on the Titanic.

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