Visitor Question of the Week Archive #63
Not "too new" articles for you and your whole family to enjoy!

Hey! my face. Why doesn't Paula Jones lay off on President Clinton until he's out of office? I'm sure he has better things to do than remember who he had sex with while he was Governor.
-Captain Pyro-
Yeah, like who he's gonna have sex with now that he's President.

Hey! my face. If you are driving down a damp road while it is drizzling, and the temp is below freezing, how long does it take for ice to form on a bridge? (I slid off a bridge the other day during those same conditions. I had driven over the same bridge within 2 hours each time, and the 2nd time, it was a solid sheet of ice. Scared the shittoutta me.)
-That weird chick that used to stalk you, but since taste of near death, decided to stalk county street workers that salt and sand icy bridges-
Put a bunch of tongues on your tires, then you'll stick to the bridge and won't slide off anymore.

All this talk about cloning has got me a thinkin'...who would you lovable onionheads like to clone if you had the ability to do so?
My boss. So I can kill one of them.

While taking a break from my current job as an organ grinder monkey (I dance a lot and look cute), I looked into my little tin cup and noticed something odd. People were throwing in pennies! Pennies for Cheeta's sake! Disgusted, I complained to the organ grinder, Murray, that I was getting pennies for dancing my little primate feet off. Used to such indignities, he just shrugged if off. My question is, how do I get these insensitive individuals to properly show their monetary appreciation for my limited monkey talents? Would a big gun help?
Get some monkey breast implants. Then you'll have bigger tips.

If I'm the Godmother to my best friend's baby, does that mean I need to invest in a pair of wings, a blue flowing gown, and a magic wand?!? What if my budget doesn't allow for those extra expenses? Do you know if there's a discount fairy Godmother store anywhere?
You could try "Herb's House of Fairies" in Moline, or "Frank's Flaming Fairies Fags and Fruits Used Clothing and Delicatessen" in Omaha has some pretty outstanding prices (If you go, get the Ruben... it's to die for). If you wait it out though, I think "Elton John" is working on a new line for Kmart.

When we go to the store, I always start laughing when I see the live lobsters because I start thinking of your site. My wife is worried because she said it's the same laugh I make when I shoot snails with the BB gun. Should I try to explain, or would that make things worse?
-Thanks Guys "hookedonvoice"-
Frankly, trying to "explain things" to a spouse is always a bad idea. I suggest making up some sort of story instead. Maybe something about a funny fisherman you once knew, or, the ever popular "I was a something or another in a former life" can really pull the wool over their eyes. Personally I just fall back on the old standby "I've never seen her before in my life."

I took time to stop and smell the roses and got hit by a bus from the local nursing home. Should I take my sniper rifle up to the bell tower now?
Dear Ogre, While a good sniping might seem like the quick and easy solution to your frustration, I suggest that next time you plan to go around smelling the neighborhood, you bring along a spotter, or wear a railroad crossing sign on your butt.

If I can't kill the coworker who whistles, can I legally kill the coworker who lets the phone ring 17 times while they're sitting RIGHT NEXT TO IT?
-Frustrated and homicidal, Big Ed-
Ed... are you a postal worker? Where can "I" get a job at this "whistling, phone ringing" asylum?

What kind of a loser steals phone books out of payphones? What're they gonna do, stand outside the booth and scalp it?
I paid 12 bucks. Do you think that was too much?

This question is probably a little late but I have been in the hospital since New Year's eve. Anyway, I was celebrating new years with a bunch of my buddies and we were getting kinda drunk and stuff and loitering around setting off fireworks on the street. Well, when the clock struck twelve, we were all whoopin' and hollerin' and stuff, then, in my friend's frenzied excitement at the new year's coming, he yelled "Happy new year!!!" and proceeded to bite off my nipple!!! Needless to say, I was utterly shocked, seeing blood flow from this hole shaped like a bite mark on my chest where my nipple used to be. The paramedics came to get me just as I passed out. I came to in the hospital the next morning, and have been drifting in an out of consciousness until a few days ago. Anyways, my question is this: Do you think there is any hope of my nipple growing back? The doctors refuse to tell me, they just turn their heads away and don't answer. Please guys tell me -- is there any hope?
-One-Nippled-Man, Hoping-
Dear One-Nippled-Man, Fortunately for you, recent scientific advances in the area of "nipple replacement" may be the solution to your problem. You could soon be one of the lucky few sporting an animal replacement. Cat nipples ($29.95 ea.) look good but I hear you can't stop yourself from licking them. A kangaroo model ($35.95 ea.) is available, but a little too bouncy. Seal nipples ($47.95) are also in the development stage, and I understand you can balance stuff on them. However, If these are out of your price range, for $1.95 you can just go down to the Walmart and get some Lee© Press-On nipples.

How do know when its safe to bury a roadkilled possum? 'Cause you never know fer sure if they're really dead or just playing or what. If you eat one and he wasn't really dead, will he eat his way out like those aliens in the movies?
-Cousin Ernie-
Sparky & Spanky's fun things to do with a possibly dead possum:
5. Fill up his hand with shaving cream and tickle his nose.
4. Take his picture with a bunch of hookers.
3. Stick sparklers up his butt and whistle the Star Spangled Banner.
2. Car chammy.
And the number one fun thing to do with a possibly dead possum:
1. Have him audition for "Weekend at Bernies III."

I confess, I need the little girl onion Spanky for my invention (soup) and I just can't live without her in my invention (soup). Can I have her, Hun, Hun, Can I have her??? I promise she will get along with my carrot/Tiny, potato/Spudsy/, parsley flakes/Dandy and my pet chicken named Herman.
-If I can have her please ship her directly to : Wild Onion Video c/o The Mad Man 2 Pee on Street Cleanup, Chicago 818181-
As much as Spanky enjoys soup, as well as being eaten, I'm afraid I can't give her up at this time. She's the only one around here who can make one of those cool paper clip chains.

Why don't they divide the pavement into median strips with special stopping areas to view shop windows? I'm forever walking/running into people who won't GET OUT OF MY WAY!
Just do what I do, go shopping in your underwear. Everybody gets out of your way.

If a plane can fly with one engine, why bother to make it with four? It only wastes money like that.
It's not so much that they need the extra engines, it's just that they like 'em "souped-up."

When people ask you.. "If you could do 'it' all over again, what would you change"... what, exactly, is the 'it' that they're referring to?
-anonymous visitor-
After a careful check at the local library, I discovered that "it" means "A player, as in tag, who attempts to find or catch the other players."

Why are you guys so mean? Did your mom not hug you enough when you were kids?
Of course not, we have no arms... dorkface.

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