Do you know of any place that sells medieval torture devices? I'm missing a vintage "Peeler." I would prefer an 1142, as it was the first model year, but I can go as new as 1153.
-Captain Pyro-
Generally, the 1142 is considered slightly inferior to the 1146 because of a bad blocking lever. Also the 1142 and 1143 were recalled because it would poke your eye out. An eye patch was included in the 1144, and a glass eye wasn't a "stock" item until 1146. It's usually best to get the later year models so all the bugs have been worked out.
-Sparky-
Hey Sparky, Do you know if anybody's tried to kill the person who invented Muzak yet?
-Whyteshadow -
What comes around goes around. I understand that he was flattened in an elevator while on his way to the dentist.
-Spanky-
What happens if you can't think of a snappy response to a question?
-Dominius Mookpiloh-
Uh.... uh, we make something up, like this.
Sparky & Spanky's top five snappy responses:
5. Oh YEAH!
4. He said snappy.... uh huh.
3. Shazam, that was an interesting question.
2. Whatcha talkin' 'bout Willis.
And the number one snappy response when we can't think of anything:
1. Because I said so.
Where do the deer and antelope work?
-Anonymous Visitor-
I'm pretty sure it's the guy just before me on the assembly line who keeps putting the antler holes in the sombreros. Also, I know I've heard a couple of them on the speaker at the Taco Bell© drive through.
-Sparky-
Here's what I don't understand and am hoping you could clear up for me. What relation was Jethro to the rest of the Clampett clan? He wasn't Jed's son but he was kin to Granny. I mean, did he or did he not have a thing for Elly May? Or was it for her chimpanzee? Actually I can see the monkey/love thing happening here...but that's just me...
-simian-
I think he was Granny's love child with Mr. Ziffel from Green Acres.... the chimpanzee I mean. Who the hell knows where Jethro came from.
-Spanky-
Dear Sparky-Spice, Dear Spanky-Spice Okay, it seems that you complain all the time about Bill Gates. Well, there are other rich, annoying guys out there too. I mean, take a look at Jerry Seinfeld. He's so god-damn prissy, he's a few steps away from being gay. Well, my question is, where can I meet a guy like that, AND!!!! what's with the lobsters?
-Cranky Spice-
FYI, the lobsters were added out of respect for this being Jerry's last season on the show. You may want to try the unemployment line come next Spring.
-Sparky-
Dear S/S- What's up with these killer trees on the ski slopes in Colorado? First M. Kennedy then Sonny Bono? Good Golly! Maybe all who visit the mountains need to take the "big burly guy with lots of guns and stuff" on their next trip. Are all the trees working for the CIA/Mob/Russia?
-Keggers-
I believe what we may be witnessing here is the first tree serial killer in history. Just to be safe we're encouraging all our friends and family to get out in the yard and start binding up all their yard foliage, as well as arming their squirrels.
-Sparky-
Do potatoes and onions get along very well? I was thinking of planting a garden and wanted to know if you guys and 'taters make good roomies.
-Mr. Fizzles-
Actually, we get along very well with our tuberous friends. However, the only problem is those little creeps have a bad habit of staring at you all stinking night.
-Sparky-
What can I do that will REALLY entertain the crowd???
-Jon-
Sparky & Spanky's top five ways to entertain the crowd:
5. Strip Shuffleboard.
4. Wacky balloons twisted into National Monuments.
3. Two words... Live bees.
2. Big hair, tacky clothes, country music.
And the number one way to entertain the crowd:
1. Open a bag of Tostditos© at the airport.
Is there a way I could legally kill a coworker who whistles annoyingly?
-Big Ed-
(Insert Andy Griffith theme song here)
-Spanky-
Hey guys do you live in tornado alley?
- B.A.B.-
Yes we do, and I don't mind telling you, it's damn handy! We don't have to move a muscle when we Hula Hoop, the newspaper practically delivers itself and we've never once had to plug-in our weed whipper.
-Spanky-
I know where you live. And I saw what you did. Why did you do that?
-Dominius Mookpiloh-
You can't prove it was me. I mean, there must be millions of onionheads with pink bows and a smoking gun.
-Spanky-
What's your favorite onomatopoeia?
-Jadie-
Mooo.
-Spanky-
If a girl has big breasts, that she paid for, is it OK to touch them, since, after all, she was trying to attract you to them in the first place?
-mordac -
"Boob touching," originally discovered in England in 1326, has risen to become on of todays most popular male activities. Coincidentally, "face slapping" has risen at just about the same rate. Correlation? I think not.
-Sparky-
