Okay, it's Christmas time. How are you guys going to celebrate? Is Cranky making you dinner?
Probably not, seeing as we just barely got her that reduced sentence for arson last Christmas. Besides, we accidentally sold the stomach pump at a garage sale last summer. I think this year we'll be doing some pretty normal stuff: Coloring the ornaments and hiding them around the house, carving the snowman, and for the grand finale at midnight, we'll be blowing off some fruitcakes in the neighbor's yard.
Are your past lives ashamed of the mess you're making with this one?
No, we haven't heard a word from the guy who couldn't read the German no smoking sign on the Hindenburg, or Jerusis of Pompeii, who was quoted as saying "Right here, floods never happen next to volcanoes" or Hilkiah, owner of Jerusalem's House of Nails. Even "One-Eyed Phil," lookout on the Titanic, hasn't said a word.
Sparky, do you believe in UFO's and little green men and why is it that when I drink too much beer I see two of everything?
Top five drinking games to play with aliens:
5. Stale pretzel antenna toss.
4. Hide and Stun.
3. Intergalactic Twenty Five Cent Monetary Units.
And the number one drinking game to play with aliens:
1. Pull My Appendage.
Dearest Sparky & Spanky (that's you),
Thank you SO MUCH for solving my lovability problems last week! Maybe there will be love and chocolate waffles galore this Christmas after all! Anyway, my predicament this week is: I have recently got a job. I work long hours, and my boss is a big dictator. On Tuesday, he tells me that he wants me to work all night Christmas Eve! This is on top of having to work 18 hour shifts every day from December 1st on! Should I report him to the Attorney General? Somehow I feel he is taking advantage of me. I wish someone like O.J. Simpson would come up here and "do" him and all his stupid reindeer as well! What do I do?
Well, if you must dispose of the "fat man" I suggest sawing halfway through the bars holding the skis on the sleigh. Of course there's nothing more obnoxious than a crippled, big dictator boss with a cherry colored nose, so you're going to need a backup plan in the event the "sleighccident" doesn't do him in. Dare him to stick his tongue on the North Pole.
Is it true that more cops die from choking on donuts then from gunshot wounds and should I call Dunkin' Donuts before 911 if I need a cop?
-Travis West (Travis_West@Juno.Com)-
Not at all, the truth of the matter is, more cops actually die from gunshot wounds inflicted while eating a donut. It's also not uncommon for an officer, during a gun fight, to have the donut shot right out of his hands, into his partners mouth, who then chokes on it. Hence the lopsided stats.
Where does all the air you go that you've already breathed?
I think it's all in my waterbed.
Why does the Tooth Fairy always steal my teeth? Every time I lose a tooth, I hide it under my pillow for safekeeping, and then the Tooth Fairy breaks into my house late at night and steals it. Also, do you happen to have her home address?
Dear Mr. Fizzles, After a little investigative reporting I discovered, much to my horror, that the Tooth Fairy is, at this moment, about to unleash an army of giant toothy Osmond robots that will revolutionize the world, and modern music as we know it. Not only that (here's the scary part) I understand they're a little bit country, and a little bit rock and roll.
What can I, as an individual, do to protest the increasing number of commercial websites cluttering up the internet and making it harder and harder to find good bomb making info and pornography? On a related note, could you please tell me if the girls at webVirgins.com are really virgins?
I'll have to admit, I always have sex on my brain, which actually is not a good place to have it. Just do what I do, spend a lot of time at baseball.com
How can I get GI Joe to notice me instead of Barbie?
Dear Ken, I think it might simply be due to the fact that you don't have a "unit." GI Joe has a "unit" and probably only respects other men who do. (For your convenience, we only use puns here when they refer to sexual organs. Thanks.)
Come on! Half the people don't even ask a question. They just want to see their name on a web page because the are too dumb to know how to put up their own! I'm sick of people who just want to see their name on a page.
-DOMINIUS MOOKPILOH, 18 Main street, Mookpiloh Town, 90210-
Hey, you know what? Now that I think about it, this isn't even a question.
Who is Hall, and why do carolers insist on decking him?
- Fred The "Full of Holiday Spirit" Stick Figure -
It's a little known fact that during the holiday season almost anyone with the name "Hall" or even "hall" contained anywhere in their name stands an excellent chance of getting the crap kicked out of them. Some of the biggest stars have changed their name just to avoid this ugly annoyance. Lucille Hall, Laren Bachall, Dennis Halleary and Steven Seghall (who now kicks the crap out of other people) just to name a few. And just to back up this theory, tell me, where the hell is Michael Anthony Hall and Arsenio Hall?
I was out Christmas shopping for leather bondage ware, and I got to thinking about Sparky and Spanky, so I was wondering: What do the two of you want for Christmas - Hanukkah - Kwanzaa - Yule - the Solstice - etc.?
-The Reverend Jough Approximately-
Leather is always good. We could use an onion sized, back zippered face mask as well as some new stem pinchers, (the old ones are holding our chip bags shut) Also, as long as you're looking, let us know if you run into a stamen extender.
Why do Jehovah's Witnesses always ring the doorbell just as I get in the shower?
Fine, I'll knock it off.
Why does it take millions and millions of dollars of musical equipment for a country singer to put on a show where he/she/it sings about the simple life?
The basic problem with country singers is their big hair. Special equipment is necessary otherwise the hair can create a feedback loop which could potentially wipe out six square city blocks. Lots of hairspray/bright lights... anything could happen. A lot of people aren't aware that "Hee Haw" was pulled off the air only because of its explosive nature.