Visitor Question Of The Week Archive:
#58 Hi, welcome to the archive, please enjoy all our old crap!!

Hey! my face. When I grow up, I want to be Xena, Warrior Princess, but my hips are growing faster than my boobs. I don't have any friends, but I have a little blonde Cocker Spaniel that could front as Gabrielle. Should I get implants now? The dog seems fine.
-Pubia, heir of the surroundings-
I don't usually recommend implants, unless of course you want rock hard hooters that won't even jiggle while rolling down Mount Everest. Instead I suggest wearing really tight pants and sticking your boobs into a jar of live bees. Three or four minutes of this is usually enough to create that extra busty look that any Great Warrior Princesses could be proud of. As for your sidekick, a Cocker Spaniel can be about as handy as a bowl of wax fruits in any dangerous situation, so I suggest you opt for a blow up doll instead, in a pinch you can always deflate her grab her by the feet and slap your opponents silly.

Hey! my face. Well, I know you will reject me anyway, coz I AM a reject. but I've got nowhere else to turn. I have just come back from my home planet, and once again, I have further destroyed the photon generation transgressor used for pluto-magnesium diffusion. It seems that wherever I go, either people hate me or I destroy something, so they sent me back. Seeing as how I have no friends and spend most of my days running (a game on my planet where you stare at corn cobs until you go completely insane), I am at your very mercy. Could you teach me to be loveable? I want to be loved so much, I go silly just thinking about someone laughing and jumping around like a slapstick jelly belly! You guys have so much love from all the happy folks like the stick man and that crazy snaggletooth! Boy, I wish I could have that! but here I am at your web site........ waiting.......... for you. PS: I got some snackordootles and if you want some, I'll share them with you.
-elvis shortliver-
Well Elvis, I hope this helps:
Top 5 ways to make yourself more lovable:
5. Glue teddy bear fur all over your body.
4. Get a bunch of perky kids together, paint yourself purple, and start singing.
3. Make enemies with Simon Bar Sinister and start shining shoes, you'll be humble and lovable.
2. Set some NFL records, change your name to a breakfast drink and... ooh, better forget this one.
And the number one way to make yourself more lovable:
1. Spit-up, burp, poke people in the eye, drool, lean way out of your stroller and sit in your own caca, people just go nuts for it.

Why do they always say look in the dictionary? If you can't spell the word, how do you find it?
-anonymous visitor-
Just think of a difere... another word that means the same thing, that you can spell.

Is it, like really bad for a guy to like soap operas? I've got a TV in my office and I can't help myself. When is Bobbie Jones gonna find out that Carlie Roberts is her long lost daughter that she gave up when she was whoring now that Carlie is having Tony's (Bobbie's ex) baby isn't that kind of incest? & OH yeah, do you think Nicholas will die? IS THIS WRONG OR WHAT???
Spanky asked her Sister, you know, the one that we thought died in the plane crash but came back a year later although it turned out that it was actually her evil twin that her Mother gave up for adoption when she found out that one of the twin's fathers was Chaz but the other one was actually Dr. Stick the evil surgeon that had kidnapped her Aunt and kept her in a secret room in his attic for a year and made her eat only garbanzo beans, and she said, soap operas are good for you.

Can you recommend some methods for shutting up the voices in my head?
Lop your head off?

What is the best way to keep your roommate's pesky cat from jumping on your head at night?
See above question.

How did the tradition of the Christmas tree start? Why not a Christmas shrub, or a Christmas bush or even a Christmas Poison Ivy?
This great tradition originated in Denmark when the Lankinen family sent crazy uncle Sven, the one eared accordion player, out one night for some Christmas tea.

How come women are always talking about men talking about women and are slow to admit that they like to talk about men? For instance, we know that when women talk, the conversation occasionally turns to length. Should we, as men who are blamed for talking about women anyway, include depth in our conversations?
Probably not a good thing to bring up, until they come out with a vibrating ruler.

Sparky, My cat has this thing about eating the silver tinsel hanging from my Christmas tree. I'm sure it doesn't taste all that good, but how do I stop him from doing it?
Put it in his food dish.

Why do I type questions into the useless void of this site when I never get answers and why does my pizza never look like the ones on TV?
Sounds like the problem is that you're simply not asking your pizza enough questions. You should try and get more familiar with it, ask about it's family, hobbies, if some toppings are considered more stylish than others. If you constantly compare your pizza to others it'll simply end up with low self esteem. Remember, we can't all look like the pizzas on TV. Why not rent a movie, get comfortable on the couch, turn the lights down and then, turn around every once in a while and take a bite out of him.

So what did you two fabulous onion heads do with your time before you started this world famous and wildly popular web zine?
Well, I worked at a coatrack for midgets factory and Spanky was chief tester for those things that spin around really really fast at NASA. We met at a local "Friendly Doberman" convention after one of the dogs got loose and started dry-humping her. I got behind him and started dry humping him and he suddenly lost interest. Needless to say, we have a cat.

Is there really a tiny camera in my room that my parents watch me on, or did my sister just say that??
-Jana, 8-
After consulting my lawyer, Phil (The Paperclip) Byron of the law firm, "Byron & Byron & Bygod I'm Injured", I discovered that it is in fact illegal for parents to place any type of eavesdropping equipment in their offsprings personal dwellings (see Little Bob Junior vs. Mom & Dad -- 1982). Your sister, on the other hand, is trying to pull a fast one and some revenge is in order... Barbie crewcuts.

If you love something, and then you let it go, and right after she get's out of the cage she runs and calls the police and has you arrested, was it love to begin with?
I'm not sure, was there any talk about picking out the lampshades together?

I'd like to know WHY my question wasn't on your rejected page last week. And NOR was it on the 'this week' page. Eh? Could it be 'cos I didn't send one ? Are you trying to tell me that I HAVE to send a question to appear here? Eh?
Unfortunately Spanky accidentally threw some red socks in the wash with my ESP hat so at least for the time being you'll need to physically send in questions as opposed to your usual "think about them really hard while eating some cornflakes."

I've been having this dream lately, and I was wondering if you could interpret it for me. It's basically the same every night. I'm making everyone around me cry, and some evil man wielding a sharp knife is holding me over a giant groove blender set on "frappe." In the background, all I hear is the song "My Sharona" while nuns with dildos strapped to their heads are chanting "Konaquestatsi". What do you think it all means?
-The Reverend Jough Approximately-
Well the evil man with the sharp knife means you want some cake, the giant blender indicates that your emotions are all mixed up but being set on frappe is a good sign because it says they're also fine. Hearing "My Sharona" is probably due to the radio next to your bed being on, and the Nuns with dildos probably has something to do with a latent unicorn obsession. The chanting is probably simply due to some toe stubbing.

Just one more question. Is it true that if you push your bellybutton, your leg will fall off?
Don't do it, my cousin's, teacher's, brother's, friend, Eileen, tried it and couldn't get the damn thing back on.

You and your best friend Brenda are shopping at Wal-Mart when a riot breaks out. Apparently, the other customers are upset because the supply of plastic yard art is running out. Anyway, you and your friend are separated from eachother. Hours later, you learn that Brenda was killed when an Easter Bunny, attempting to commit suicide, landed on her head. If it had been up to you, what would've been her last words?

1. I see the light! I SEE the LIGHT!
2. Oh look, it's tha pweety leeetle East---OWWW!
3. Great, a sale on queen sized underwear!
4. I must tell Taylor that I cheated on him . . . and Scott, and Brandon, and . . .
-my name is Georgia, my e-mail is, okie?-
Oh great, there goes the whole Christmas theme.

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