Visitor Question Of The Week Archive:
#56 Hi, welcome to the archive, please enjoy all our old crap!!

See our Onionheaded friends

Hey! my face. I really want to be a part of the questions this week but I honestly can't think of a single question to ask. Can you guys just make something up and put my name on it?
-Thanks! Cherries-
Okay, how about this: Dear Spanky and Sparky, How come you guys are so cool and so funny and so good looking and so smart and so much fun to be around? Also, I have a million dollars and I'd like to mail it to you. What's your address?

Hey! my face. Sparky, if a man is in the woods alone and got sick, would he still do that pathetic bitching and moaning that he does when he is at home and is sick?
-~~ Jo ~~-
No, basically because when men are alone in the woods they're generally thinking about things like: "How am I gonna keep this beer cold?" or, "I wonder what will happen if I put this bee's nest on those hot embers?" or, "Can I get poison ivy just from peeing on these plants?" or, "Jeepers, what a beautiful animal, I'd like to blow it's head off."

It is Thanksgiving morning, fairly early where I live, and I am up at the crack of dawn to cook food for people I dislike a LOT. My question is, why the hell do we put ourselves out, cook, clean, smile etc. and play nice with our in-laws when we would rather sit at home and get drunk alone????
-the weird chick that has been to busy to stalk you-
Sheesh, if you didn't want us over there last Thursday, you should have just said so.

What goes up and never comes down?
-anonymous visitor-
Sparky's ego.

I have been visiting this sight since it was first put on the web, and I have noticed many things change. I have seen hot topics come and go, funny rejected questions, and more than my share of comedy. I was just wondering, why don't you put up a web page that lists lots of the regulars and guys that have been here forever. I, Jadie, have been visiting this page under different nicks lately, so you won't recognize most of my questions.
-The Regular, Jadie-
The regular Jadie? We're waiting for the new and improved Jadie. We do have a page that lists some of the regulars who have sent in their heads. If anybody wants to be listed as "headless" just let us know.

Why are guys so horny?
-anonymous visitor-
Football, football makes you horny.

Ok, why do they sell shampoo and conditioner in the same size container when you know that your gonna use more conditioner then shampoo and then you end up with left over shampoo and you go buy more conditioner and when you run out of shampoo then your half way through the conditioner then it........well its and evil circle. HELP!!!!!!!
-anonymous visitor-
Through the miracle of modern mathematics I believe you can easily arrive at a solution for a conditioner/shampoo ratio. After a few quick calculations myself I discovered that it's 147 conditioners to 67 shampoos. The formula I used was S(shampoo)x3-15*2=C(conditioner)+14x(4/3). Which just happens to be the exact same formula used to solve the peanut butter to jelly ratio.

What's the best way for a multiple personality schizophrenic to resolve a conflict between two of their personalities who refuse to talk to one another?
Best thing to do is to get a third personality to act as a sort of go between, to smooth things over between the other two. Then get a fourth personality for unbiased opinions in the event any voting is needed. A fifth personality could tally the votes, who could then forward them to a sixth, which would have the final say, for example, as to whether or not those shoes go with that purse.

Is it true that the people that invented band-aids are the same ones that invented cheese graters? Or is that just a myth?
-anonymous visitor-
Just a myth, Cheese graters were actually invented by cannibals. They wanted a little extra on their tacos.

Fish Since Fish is a guest analyst here, I was wondering if he could tell me how he got his's kinda weird, yet intriguing (in a good way) at the same time.
Once an inspiring scientist/inventor, I was developing a teleporter using an everyday household toilet. One day a freakish accident occurred during a teleportation test, where my next door neighbor flushed her dead pet at the same time I was teleporting myself to the bank, and the rest is history.

So, who's your least favorite cartoon character/US Senator?
Fred Kennedystone.

I sat in a fire ant hill the other day and now I have ant bites all over /\/\y body. How are the bites itchy if the ants don't inject any poison in the skin?
- /\/\alissa (the key to the right of the n doesn't work, otherwise there'd be a regular /\/\ at the beginning of /\/\y na/\/\e)-
It's not the ants, it's those damn cleats they wear. And sorry to hear about your M key.

A while ago, someone asked something about summer vacation, and you two said that that person should come over to your house. Well, I think it's a fabulous idea. I think you hold a contest to find out who your biggest fan is (me) The biggest fan (me) gets to go to your house for a week, and watch you guys work, live, breathe, play, and love. If (when) I win, I'll bring some chips and ice cream- your choice!!!!!!
Okay but if you do come over can you help us unmix our Lava Lamp, paint this stupid black light white (we can't see a darn thing!) unstrech some of the carnival Coke bottles we've won, set our VCR, and for the love of god can you get Spanky's butt off the Xerox© machine?

Let's say you accidentally killed a guy in a bar fight over who made a better James Bond (btw, it's Sean Connery, and don't tell me anything else). But here's the kicker. The bartender, while giving the unfortunate soul mouth-to-mouth is implicated in the murder, and now faces the chair. Should the guilty party stand forward to save the bartender's life or should he just laugh from his comfortable lovenest and let the poor bastard fry?
-The Reverend Jough Approximately-
All I have to say is, Pierce Bronson.

Is cheese cake cheese or cake?
As a matter-of-fact, cheesecake is neither cheese nor cake. If you break down the word "cheesecake" you'll see that it's derived from: "chee" (Sioux Indian word meaning "Big Cheeks") "sec" (Chickasaw Indian word meaning "Small amount of time") and finally "ake" (Bronx slang for "Cripes, these designer jeans sure are tight") Cheesecake in essence is a dairy treat that means "If I eat this fast, I might still squeeze my big butt into my pants."

Okay, say I was in France and I was accidentally abducted by aliens, and well, they had this warp thing so they could take me to their world, and umm 20 earth years passed because of one of Einstein's laws and I wanted to got home, right? Well, say I wanted to get home, only I wanted to get home at the same time I left and not 20 years later, the most logical thing is to try and build a time machine, right? Okay so say I got myself into a research facility where the aliens were trying to build a time machine, and I got myself on the research team and I, you know, became the head scientist, then, say I kept pulling all nighters and I needed something to keep me awake but this alien civilization didn't have coffee, well, say I introduced them to something kind of like coffee, like made out of tree bark (hypothetically) and then I started drinking it in the lab and one day I spilled this 'coffee' stuff on the sensitive equipment (ie the time machine) and it started going haywire, (the time machine, not the coffee) then say well, it sort of transported me back home, around the same time I had left so I was okay, and I was where I wanted to be but the time machine was shot to hell, what I wanted to know was... if the aliens somehow figured out how to build the time machine again, would they be legally allowed to sue me for something like that????
-really anxious to know... Valerie Winterbourne-
Having just received my degree from the "Sally Struthers Intergalactic Law Home Course" I would have to believe that if the aliens do decide to sue you, you really don't have a hope in hell of beating them. I suggest you join the "Alien Abduction Relocation Program." and don't talk to *anyone* from the National Enquirer.

If you don't put up advertisements on your site or ask for donations or whatever, where do you get the money to keep this site up?
Every Saturday we pop over to the Wicks Furniture and poke through all the couch cushions for loose change.

Spanky Sparky what was your favorite Xmas you ever had.....
-Minnie (we accidentally put simian here)-
The one where we got a free AOL disk and got on-line.

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