Visitor Question Of The Week Archive:
#55 Hi, welcome to the archive, please enjoy all our old crap!!

See our Onionheaded friends

Hey! my face. Why is everyone talking about IE 4.0? It doesn't work on my computer :( (a 286 with 1 meg of ram.... using openDOS (not MS-DOS!!!)) Do you know any really good 'netware for DOS (286)? When is Netscape going to release the DOS version of Communicator?
-anonymous visitor-
While most computer experts might suggest you simply go out and buy a new system, I think in this case it's simply a matter of a few prudent upgrades and you'll be cranking through the web in no time. openDOS is pretty good, but an even better, lesser know system is dinkyDOS. dinkyDOS has such a small interface that it's almost impossible to see, let alone screw anything up. Another option might be bangDOS which once loaded, simply blows your computer into a million pieces. What about loudDOS? Load it up and your computer makes so much noise you simply won't go near it. Also for you Mac users, try out System8D which comes complete with a mouse with no button and a keyboard featuring only the "Option" and "Z" keys. All you can do is undo!

Hey! my face. I was thinking that it would be in my best interest to purchase a large rifle. It's not like I want to kill and/or maim my freakish, balding, weird-ass neighbor or anything. Really. Which state would be the best place for a monkey to get a gun?
- Just asking... simian-
It's probably best not to purchase a gun in your current mind-frame. There's a million other ways you can dispose of that weird-ass neighbor. Why not paint a big arrow on your garage door pointing to your neighbors place with the phrase "I live next to stupid." or maybe open a "school of yodeling for the tone deaf" in your storage shed. Tape "hit me" signs on the back of his car, or shape your hedges to spell out the words "Satan Rocks" (this also helps discourage those pesky salesmen) These and other useful tips can be found in our new book: "Don't let the city limits sign hit you in the ass on the way out." Coming in April from Random House.

In that last Star Trek, the Next Generation Movie, the one with the Borg, why is it that Wharf has command of his own ship, while Commander Rikker is still Picard's plaything? Rikker's been wating for a long time to command his own ship, so what gives? Did they do this to tick him off?
The last time they let him drive he whacked into Uranus.

Why is it that in the game Monopoly No. Carolina is (78% of the time) the last Property to be sold?
I think because it's next to that smelly railroad. B & O.

All my clothes are in the wash and I have nothing to wear. I don't have a barrel to walk around in. Is there anything else I could use instead?
Top five household things to wear when you're out of clothes:
5. Fish tank.
4. For the boys: A gift wrap tube.
3. For the girls: Two funnels and some string.
2. The musical salad spinner you got from Aunt Stella last Christmas.
And the number one household item to wear when you're out of clothes:
1. Bunch of AOL disks glued together, into a stylish sportcoat.

Fish Do fish have, you know, "wet" dreams?
-anonymous visitor-
Yes we do, but like wetting your pants in a dark suit, nobody notices, and after a while, the novelty wears off.

Do you and Spanky have to, ummm, do it to have onion offspring, or do you reproduce asexually by burying Spanky in the dirt?
-Farmer Ned-
While burying Spanky in the dirt is always good for a laugh or two, it's not how onionheads actually procreate. We're just waiting for some guy with a bigass pencil to come along and draw the rest of our family.

To Spanky: How do you get that lovely pink bow on your head to stay put? I've tried and tried (e.g. finished all the glue in the house) but I still can't get mine to look right.
-Chicken Burrito-
Actually Spanky was in a plane crash in '77. They rebuilt her, it's a bionic bow. It makes a really kewl noise when she runs in slow motion too!

How do those glow-in-the-dark stars glow?
- Fred The Stick Figure -
In the dark silly.

What do they ship boxes in?
-Mad Anthony Wanye-
Few people are aware of the fact that boxes are not so much shipped as simply flung from the factory. It's like the old water bucket line they used to use to put out fires with. The boxes go through a series of flingers until they reach their final destination. Hey, you think those guys you see at the busy intersections are making ends meet just by selling flowers?

I was vacationing in haiti and I felt a tap on my shoulder, and when I turned around I found that someone had placed a chicken foot on my shoulder. I went to a witch doctor, and he refused to let me near him. so my question is, how do I get rid of this curse? I heard that my extremities are going to start shrinking soon. please hurry.
It's easy! Just send about 100 dollars to wwwvoice in care of Spanky and Sparky, attention, Evil Curse and Clothes Shaving department.

Spanky, is there any chance of you becoming a famous supermodel?
I'm too short and I haven't fully sprouted yet.

This is last weeks question from Simian: "I visited you site featuring pictures of your onion friends and noticed something strange. Jason, who is part of the Witness Protection Program, is green. Is that one of the requirements that one has to meet in order to belong to this elusive Witness Protection group? Or is he just really ill? Just wondering... -simian-"
Oooh, ooooh, I've got an answer, and since you only give us the opportunity to send questions, I'm a little concerned about what you two are going to do to me. Anyway, here goes: Simian, I'm actually quite healthy, and being green isn't a requirement for the Witness Protection Program--suffice to say, I'm, uh, not er, from around here. "Here" being this particular biosphere shall we say.
Awesome! We don't have to answer this one.

The Used Humor Archive!
next page