Visitor Question Of The Week Archive:
#54 Hi, welcome to the archive, please enjoy all our old crap!!

See our Onionheaded friends

Hey! my face. If I'm jumping off a building, should I leap upward and out from the ledge creating more velocity or should I just flop over the edge getting it over with more quickly?
I believe the only way to be sure what's going to be the best way for you to jump is to conduct a couple of test jumps with some lawyers, or a few car salesmen first. Try shoving them off, maybe smacking them with a two-by-four, or throwing a couple of bucks off the edge to see what the results are. Since you really only have one shot at this, you may even want to get your boss involved! With just a little extra work on your part, you can be sure to execute a professional quality suicide that even your mother would be proud of.

Hey! my face. Hey guys Xmas is coming up, what do you want for a gift?
Gifts? Sure! I got a million of 'em. An alarm clock with a broken speaker, a Tickle Me Elvis doll, a self cleaning house, a lifetime supply of nacho cheese flavored Play-Doh©, a chauffeur for my Yugo, a self inflating Naughty Nancy doll (for Sparky), the winning lotto numbers for Tuesday, a heated Slip 'n Slide©, an automatic yo-yo, three gallons of hand lotion, and twelve lords-a-leaping.

Okay, okay, I can't put it off any longer!!! The other day, I was walking around in town and low and behold, a strong gust of wind blows by me and my toupee lifts off of my head! I mean, I looked like a convertible putting its top down! I was so embarrassed...anyway, here's my question...what's the best way to keep my toupee on? I don't really need one (I have a full head of hair), but I really like the way it looks when I wear it, and I really don't want to give my toupee up.
Well you've come to the right place, here's the best 4½ ways to keep your toupee on your head.
1. A very light anvil.
2. Just buy a really "tacky" one.
3. Get a bald toupee so if it flies off nobody will notice.
4. A discrete luggage bungee attached to each ear.
And the very best way to keep your toupee on your head.
Velcro, Velcro, Velcro
-Spanky, Sparky, Fish-

Fish How can I sweeten my dog's breath?
Spray some Binaca© on his testicles.

Is it considered an "accident" if you go out of your way to run over a pedestrian? By that, I mean chasing him across 2 miles of corn fields, through a creek, and into a ditch. I still slammed on my brakes just before I hit him.
It all depends, if it was a mime, Don Kings hair stylist, Rush Limbaugh, any Clinton, the guy who invented microwave pizza, any one of the actors in any one of the new prime time shows, the little old guy in the Nissan commercials, or Arnold Schwarzenegger's acting coach, you can't be prosecuted. The only downside is that if it was Rush Limbaugh you'll probably have to rotate your tires.

Why are onion rings so much more than French fries? is it some international scam to inflate your self-worth, or are they just much tastier?
This would of course be due to the huge demand for onions and onion by-products. Ever heard of potato powder? French potato soup? A potato roll? French potato dip? Besides, you can't actually *wear* French fries except in your ears.

A spoon and fork equal a spork, so do a squirrel and a gopher equal a squopher?
-The Little Teenybopper Who's Outside Your Window-
No, and as near as I know a panther and a manatee don't make pantees, Sonny Bono and an Idaho potato don't make an idunno, Microsoft and Apple don't make anything that works properly, and a jackal and an hourglass don't make a... hourkle.

My friend says if you punch someone and run reeeealy fast back to your original spot, you could see yourself punching that person. what's YOUR theory on time travel??
-anonymous visitor-
Most scientist believe that this type of time travel is possible, although I think to achieve the required speed you're going to need a pair of those $400 blow up sneakers and a six pack of Jolt©.

What's the difference between jam and preserves? Why isn't there banana jam?
-anonymous visitor-
There is. And I believe the Stones will be headlining.

Let's say gravity is reversed, and you're now heading up at terminal velocity, approaching escape velocity, and you finally get out of the atmosphere, but then no longer under the power of Earth's gravity, begin to orbit, only you *can't* orbit, because you'd keep falling *up* instead of down, required for orbit. Assuming you could hold your breath that long, what would happen to you?
-The Reverend Jough Approximately-
Good question. At that point I believe "Big Jim's Theory of Reverse Fallarity" would probably kick in and everything will be opposite in general. Lawyers would be useful, Hindu donut owners would smile, Richard Simmons would get run over by a Hostess© truck. General mayhem as you can clearly see. In future you may want to consider bringing along a few pool floaties.

Why isn't the Sunday paper daily?
-anonymous visitor-
It is, it's just that the rest of the week all the coupons fall out.

Why do you reject questions? Because one of my questions was rejected, it broke my heart. Why don't you answer all questions?
-anonymous visitor-
Just to clear things up a little, questions for this page are not selected based merely on the merits of each individual question, but rather, we put the baby in her highchair, feed her some oatmeal, gather all the questions up and fold them into little wads, then fling them at her face. You stick, you win.

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