Visitor Question Of The Week Archive:
#52 Hi, welcome to the archive, please enjoy all our old crap!!

See our Onionheaded friends

Hey! my face. When Nietzsche wrote: "Mechanistic theory formulates consecutive appearances, and it does so semeiotically, in terms of the senses and of psychology (that all effect is motion; that where there is motion *something* is moved); it does not touch upon the causal force." Did he mean to say that all empirical knowledge must be derived from motion, or that all knowledge *itself* *is* motion?
-Just wonderin'... The Reverend Jough Approximately-
Rolled the ball up the hill, rolled the ball down the hill, put the ball on the up escalator, put the ball on the down escalator. I think what Nietzsche was implying is that, once you've gained all the knowledge you possibly can from any one static source, you should turn the page.

Hey! my face. If an orange turns brown, is it REALLY an orange anymore? Or is it a brown?
Five ways you can tell that your fruit is going bad:
5. The new saying around your house is, "An Abe Vigoda a day, keeps the doctor away."
4. The potatoes tell you that they want "wacky" hairdos too.
3. Guests ask if you have any Nair© dip.
2. Uncle Phil tries to smoke the banana.
And the number one way you can tell that your fruit is going bad:
1. Sangria with every meal!

Why are foods that taste good bad for you, and foods that taste bad good for you?
I don't know, Twinkies© taste pretty good and they gotta be good for you, they're filled with cream. Potato chips taste good, and they're made from potatoes. And who could forget those McDonalds hot apple pies? They're jam packed with nutritious apples. Doritos© are delicious, and doors are chocked-full-o fiber. I think someone's been lying to you.

Hey guys what are dust bunnies?
-Robin Williams-
Fortunately I have a Masters degree in Dust Bunny Biophysics. The exact composition is: Hydrolyzed maltodextrin, autolyzed diglycerides emulsifier and bipolar ferrous alkali miodroxide. In layman terms, that's fuzzy dirt.

Hey! my face. If there's a speed of light, and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell? Just wondering, I just took my shoes off.
-Jimmie Olsen-
I depends on what you're smelling, if you're smelling another person, then the speed of smell is equal to CD²x3.666748. If it's your own smell then of course there is no speed of smell.
-Dr. Dave-

Why does the shell always stick to the hard-boiled egg just when I need pretty eggs for party garnish, and not when I'm making egg salad?????
-Lady-Chat-A Lot-
Generally speaking, a good garnish doesn't always have to be a food item. I personally like to use office supplies. Pencils are great on a vegetable tray and are very handy for poking out the red things in the olives. Another favorite are staple removers, which can also be used for nabbing cocktail weenies. Why not try a fan of Post-It Notes© around the deli tray? You can even put fortunes on them! Use all those old chewed up pen caps on the cheese trays, they really hang on to the cheese and can help prevent those embarrassing cheese chunk dropping incidents. Sprinkle some eraser shavings on the deviled eggs, it fills the guests up faster. People will be talking (and writing memos) about your party for weeks.

Why is it that the first person to die in a horror movie is the beautiful blond with huge boobs?
-Jon & Mandy-
Duh, how fast can she run with boobs *that* size?

I've been looking over your previous web page names, and I think you should sell them to a corporate giant as character names (like the Rice Crispies© guys). You've got Clog: the burly plumber with an exposed butt crack, Spackle: the burly carpenter with a sweat stained T-shirt, and Cramp, the shrieking sawdust covered chick with PMS who constantly tries to kill the other two. Clog, Spackle, Cramp. It has a nice ring don't you think?
We tried it, the only problem is that we get slimy in milk.

Sparky, Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
Probably not when he got pulled over by the police.

Could you guys please stop posting questions that my dad sends in? Every time one of his questions is posted (usually on the rejected page) he e-mails me and tells me all about it. Then he calls me and tells me all about it. And when I visit him, he has a print out of the page with his question highlighted in yellow. UUUGGHH! Or at least stop posting his questions about firch.
-sly's sister-
Firch, and this webpage, are the least of your worries. The real problem here is that Sly seems to be both your Dad and your Brother. You may want to check, but I think you're a couple of branches short on the old family tree.

Do you like my picture of me.... I like it... want do you think....
Well, you're almost as handsome as me. Good idea, putting that hat on to cover the bald spot.

I haven't visited your page for a long time... What did I miss?
-Onionymous Visitor-
Well, you really should come around more often. You missed the September wet socks contest, Elvis Kariokee day, last weekends AOL disk pitch, the Jason look alike contest (Jason won) and five and a half hours of Pin the Hamster on Bill Gates. To avoid missing these thrilling events in the future, we suggest you shove an onion in each of your pants pockets and make a casserole in the shape of our URL.

How can I get snow white back?
Dear Doc, Prince Charmings can be little difficult to dispose of. You could start a rumor that he used to be a frog and that he still has a thing for frogs. Or try to find a poison apple that doesn't have a kiss-me/wake-up clause attached. If all else fails, get your sister to grow her hair really long, and then fling it out the window. Draws 'em like a magnet.

Hey you! guess what? I'm rejecting YOU! You always reject me, so... how does it feel?
-elvis shortliver-
Feels like.... chicken.

Spanky! Sparky! Darlings..... it's me again....and this time I'm in a bit of a pickle (if you can believe it). See, I was feeling a little nostalgic last week, so I pulled the old Wet Banana© out of the garage (only slight mould damage) and was ready to do some slippin'n'sliding. Now I've gained a few pounds since the days of my youth, and thus spread a healthy coating of canola oil on the yellow rubber sheet (gravity and a ton of...muscle, don't mix well). I also figured I could kill two birds with one stone, and...since it's been 47 months since my last bathing endeavor, I added a little Mr.Clean© to the brew. Here's the problem part. The fumes generated by mixing the oil, cleanser, rubber and mildew must have been noxious, and I passed out; and now I'm sitting in a field of corn plants, all parched and hungry. My question is, 1) do you know where I am? and 2) Can one of you guys come and pick me up? p.s. pick up a bucket of chicken on the way over, eh?
-Impatiently waiting...(and I know where you live) Claymiester-
Yeah, you're in my backyard, and if you don't get your butt out of my birdbath, I'm gonna give you a new doo with the Weedwhacker©.

Hey guys, How come my bra strap never stays on my shoulder? It does not matter what brand make or model I buy.
-disillusioned with playtex-
Just have a bra tattooed on. You'll save a fortune in the long run.

With all the changes being made around here, are we at all likely to see any new onions??
-anonymous visitor-
Only if Spanky puts on that new nightie I got her.

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