How many people here believe in Telekinesis--raise my hands.
-Jason-
Hey, I once made an ice cube melt, just by staring at it!
-Spanky-

I'm thinking of getting a hip ring. That is, a giant metal spike driven painfully right through my waist-captains, hopefully missing any vital organs and such. Could you suggest a particular metal, taking into account atomic densities and rust capabilities?
-Ponce DeLeon-
While getting your body pierced is always a good way to impress the opposite sex, I don't recommend having any kind of spike driven through your torso. A, It can make turning around in an elevator particularly difficult and B, nobody's gonna let you on their waterbed. If you really have your heart set on it though, I suggest you try out a clip-on first.
-Sparky-

These time changes are killers, man. I have a solution for it but, I won't address it at this time. What I wanna know is...do the TV guide people realize there's such a thing as a time change? I mean, sure, I get up at 2:00 a.m. and reset all my clocks like everyone else but I don't think to check out what's actually on TV. You'd think, in the fall, they'd show what's on at 1:00 a.m., 1:30 a.m, 2:00 a.m. and then go back to 1:00 a.m. But noooo...they keep going along like nothing ever happened. So...what do they do with that extra hour?
-Jadie-
I'm not sure but my VRC is flashing 11:00 now.
-Spanky-

At work we have "Casual Friday", why not "Nude Monday"?
-Jon & Mandy-
Hey why not? I'll tell you why not, the fax machine, that's why not.
-Sparky-

Why is Spanky's tongue always out of her mouth?
-Meli.-
Just in case a stamp happens along.
-Sparky-

Let's say that some girl scouts came a knocking at my door, and a hypothetical person let them in, and a wild naked orgy just sorta *happened*, and three and a half hours later, the girl scouts had to go home to do their homework, would it be considered bad manners not to buy any of their cookies?
-The Reverend Jough Approximately-
Next time I recommend waiting for a Jehovah's Wittiness to show up, it's a lot cheaper to just adopt a new religion and you don't have to worry about handing out merit badges.
-Sparky-

How did you come up with the names for Sparky and Spanky?
-anonymous visitor-
When wwwVOice first got started in May of 1996, Sparky was known only as "The Onion Guy" and the button on the poll page said "Ok, here you go Sparky" visitors associated the Sparky on the button with the Onionhead picture, so we just went along. When Bertha started helping out with the answers, we felt that "Onionheads Sparky and Bertha do this weeks questions" sounded a little stupid, so we came up with Spanky. Besides, in Swedish "Spanky" means "Do you remember?" (it's an old Husker Doo joke)
-Sparky-

I was just wondering if you thought that Bill Clinton did inhale while he was at college. My roommate and I have been arguing this case and have decided to let you settle it. I think that he still inhales due to some observations: 1. forgets a lot 2. changes his mind 3. jogs to McDonalds What is your take on this?
-someone who is confused-
Bill is a puppet, Hillary did the inhaling and then told him how to feel.
-Fish-

Dearest Spanky, Does the average woman need beauty more than brains because the average man can see better than he can think???!?
-SLY-
All the average woman really needs are giant boobs. Then she can be sure to snag that really smart nearsighted guy.
-Spanky-

If you have a bunch of odds and ends, and you get rid of all but one, what do you call it?
-Carey-
The end of the garage sale.
-Sparky-

A recent accident with a cordless drill has left a portion of my brain is exposed. When I poke it with a coathanger, I get giddy, laugh uncontrollably, and sometimes wet my pants before collapsing on the floor and losing consciousness for 30 minutes. If I keep doing this, could it result in permanent brain damage?
-Jason-
Recent medical studies have shown that, in most cases, there's no real danger of causing permanent mental damage by poking your exposed brain with sharp instruments. However, you'll want to exercise some extra caution when you do that balloon rubbing, stick it to your head trick.
-Spanky-

How come whenever I attach jumper cables to my nipples... My eyebrows and eyelashes fall off?????
-MrBitter-
I think what you're doing here is mixing up the polarity. Remember, right nipple red.
-Spanky-

Why do men always pee on the toilet seat as soon as you are finished cleaning it?
-Becks-
We're just marking our territory.
-Sparky-

Why is it that every Halloween some silly person is handing out those dreaded and icky popcorn balls? And what are those nasty things REALLY made of?
-simian-
Well! You won't be getting any treats at my door this year Mr. Ungrateful!
-Sparky-

What's a good question to ask?
-Reptile-
Well, since you ask, here's a short list of some our favorite short snappy submissions from deep in the archive:
If you got your head cut off, could you still see awhile?
anonymous
Is causing a fatal wedgie considered murder, or just homicide?
anonymous
If a guy jumped on your back would you whack him off?
John
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
anonymous
What does this button labeled "POWER" on my c
anonymous
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
anonymous
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
anonymous
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
anonymous
-Sparky-

If you could sew someones head to your carpet, whose would it be?
-anonymous visitor-
That "anonymous visitor" guy.
-Spanky-