Visitor Question Of The Week Archive:
#48 Hi, welcome to the archive, please enjoy all our old crap!!

Cr@mp! Special Edition!
This week unwanted house guests/onionheads "Dinky" and "Cranky" answer the questions!

Hey! my face. I'd like to be able to ask really deep and intellectual questions like simian, Jadie, and the Rev. Jough do. Can you recommend any books that could help me?
The cliff notes for "Deep Thoughts for Dummies."

Hey! my face. In life, if we are to expect the unexpected, then doesn't the unexpected become the expected?
I expected a train for Christmas one year and didn't get it. Dad expected the car to just "start" without blowing up or anything, and mom expected to take a bath without having a blow dryer on a long extension cord mysteriously fly through the door and land in the tub. Funny how these things happen.

How come on the juice cans it says concentrate and when you do nothing happens?
-That's Mr Anonymous to you-
You're apparently not concentrating on the correct subject. I suggest you stop thinking about baseball. Then something will probably happen.

Why are moose bigger than the average dog?
-anonymous visitor-
What kind of a god damn question is this? The moose is a "BIG" game animal, a dog is a domesticated pet. Moose don't fetch sticks, roll over, play dead or any of that other pet junk. Dog's don't have antlers or hang around with flying squirrels.

Hi! I really like pancakes. What's your favorite color?
Oh look, another mind boggling question. What the hell do pancakes have to do with my favorite color? I mean I'm happy for you and everything but I think you're a few houses short of a hotel here... Blue.

I think you onions are the coolest and my question is... I want to be an onion just like you where can I join.
-Frenchy the Onion With a little french hat.... OH Ya .... Frenchy-
Thanks Frenchy, it's great to be an onion but most people don't survive the initiation, which consists of; Holding up a 7-Eleven in Harlem with a spork, cleaning a cannon, getting a stuck bagel out of the toaster and dry shaving a Bengal tiger while eating a box of crackers and whistling the drum portion of "Bolero." Here are a few famous last words of onions who failed the initiation.
"They're so peaceful when they're sleeping."
"Hand me another blade, this one's dull."
"Are you sure it's unplugged."
"It's dark in here, got a match."
"You're right, this is a spork."

What kind of conditioner do you use? And why is Cranky's hair so much softer and full of body?
-anonymous visitor-
Ancient Eskimo beauty secret; Yak spit and whale blubber.

Still on the old masturbation theme, what do bishops bash, and chickens choke? Oh, dear, you're going to reject that question, aren't you ? It was easier in the old days when nobody sent you questions, so you had to accept anything you could get. But now, NOW ! You're getting too big for your boots, young man, but you're not too old for a good spanking. Mmmmm
-can I put a link here ?-
Dear "Can I put a link here," I don't know, but I do know this; My dad told me that if your choke you chicken too much you'll go blind, so I said, dad, I'm over here.

I'm having trouble deciding what to be for Halloween. Any idea?
Put a big white garbage bag over your head, attach a Hippity-Hop to each foot and go as a penis. Now get lost.

Dear Sparky, do you think that Spanky will participate in the million woman march? Seeing as she doesn't have any legs, I think it might be difficult for her. But I also know that she always stands up for good causes.
- Just wondering...Al Sharpton-
No, can they get a million women to go in the same direction? Decide what time to start? Figure out what they'll all wear?

If Mary had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell, and Mary went to heaven, where did the steamboat go? Huh? Huh???
-Crazier than thou-
One mile offshore so she could gamble.

I have to get rid of my microwave, as it continually makes fun of me and burns the heck out of popcorn. My question is, do I try to sell it to some unsuspecting soul, or do I simply drag it behind the car until it apologizes?
Dear simian, It sounds to me like your microwave is in need of some severe punishment. Stick it's nose in the popcorn bag and smack it with a rolled-up newspaper. You can even unplug it and bend the little prongs together, then slam the door on the cord. Hey, why not store your dirty socks inside or turn the microwave around, and then watch Seinfeld. Although, you really should just stop buying that cheap-ass popcorn.

Did Abraham Zapruder make any other movies?
-The Reverend Jough Approximately-
As I'm sure we're all aware, the famous Zupruder film is the one you see in most documentaries about John F. Kennedy being shot. It's the one where you can clearly see Jacki-O trying to claw her way out of the back of the car while the bullets are flying. No, he doesn't have any other movies cause they stopped making super-8 film.

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