Visitor Question Of The Week Archive:
#43 Welcome to wwwVOice's rather disturbing archive.... Enjoy!

Welcome to the Summer:
Part II

Hey! my face.

Sparky, when playing Chutes and Ladders with my 4 year old son, I always end up saying, "Chute!  Let's play this Ladder!" because he ALWAYS wins! My question is:  Is there a trick to the game that I should know to win? 

Although we don't usually answer questions from compulsive "Chutes and Ladders" losers, it's obvious you could really use a little help here. I suggest that at some point in the game, point behind your opponent and say something like: "Oh look, isn't that Barney?" while he's turning around just arrange all the pieces to maximize your advantage. Although he'll still probably beat you, at least you'll have the satisfaction of putting one over on him.

Hey! my face. I seem to have a bit of fluff in my ear. What should I do?
Here's what you do, stick a potato chip bag clip on your nose, put a golf ball in your mouth, go in the bathroom and get the plunger. Now, put your right foot on the edge of the tub and smack it really hard with the handle of the plunger. The fluff should just pop right out.

I've read that cats never purr when they're do we know that?
I'm not sure, I've never been alone with a cat.

Alright then. In your opinion, should the word "Psychopath" be used to describe someone crazy (ie: "He's a psychopath!") or to describe what we're walking on? (ie: "Come take a walk down the psychopath with me.")
-Fred the Stick Figure-
Dear Fred the Stick Figure, I think you may be a little mixed up here. The word Psychopath is actually comprised of the Greek words, "psych", meaning the mind, "o" meaning an exclamation of surprise, "pa" meaning your dad, and "th" meaning oh my god that tastes awful. Literally translated, "psychopath" really means "Oh my god, my dad's brain tastes horrible."

Da, what is the meaning of life, and dynamite?
Dear Pyromaniacphobician, I tried blowing up some things while reading a philosophy book but really couldn't see the correlation here. I recommend consulting your local fireworks dealer.

I don't get all this talk about people spanking defenseless monkeys. Is there a way to stop this horrible form of abuse? After all, we monkeys are, in general, quite harmless. Your thoughts on this?
What? You want us to start a "Stop Spanking the Monkey" campaign? What color should I make the ribbons?

Hey Sparky, Is that a banana on your head or are you just happy to see me?
What banana?

Why does Spanky always have her tongue hanging out?
Is it? Dang, we need to get some mirrors around here.

What is the little white thing in cans of pork and beans?
I think it's just to keep the beans dry during shipping.

Just how many licks does it REALLY take to get to the middle of a Tootsie Roll Pop©? And exactly how is that measurement calibrated? Does the size and temperature of your tongue matter?
-Restlessly, Scrubbles-
A recent study at Columbia University using a giant rubber tongue filled with an inert thermoplastic polymer heated to 112°F determined that although the owl says three, it does in fact take 327.4.

What will the first time machine be used to do?
To go back to the grassy knoll and settle that thing once and for all.

What will Bill Gates do when his Windows 95 computer crashes in front of a large crowd?
Just tell them that it's one of the *new* features.

Hey Sparky, let's say, hypothetically, that you're on a water tower, and let's say you want to shoot at someone with a rifle, we'll call him "Mark", and you're not sure what kind of weapon to use. Here's my question: would you recommend a lower gauge firearm to avoid detection, or a higher gauge one to ensure that death is immediate?
-The Reverend Jough Approximately-
According to my "Sniping for Idiots" book (yeah, I know, we did this joke last week) the best gun to use for guys named "Mark" is a Super Soaker 3000. It'll wash him clean away.

You say submitting a question is optional. Is taking the poll optional too, because you say we should vote only once, but if we have more than one question to ask, and the poll isn't optional, then how do we ask the question without voting more than once?

On the other hand, if the poll is optional, and the question is optional too, then what happens if we choose to do neither? Wait, that would mean that the poll has to be optional because you can't FORCE us to vote. So does this mean the question is conditionally optional, or is the option conditionally questionable?
-Jason (Optionally questionable condition)-
OK, here's how the whole submit a question thing works in a nutshell; If you want to send in a question it's optional however taking the poll is also optional as well as taking the poll and submitting a question at the same time. You could also, if you so choose, answer say, one of the questions and also submit something, so in essence answering all the questions is also optional, on the condition that you submit a question. However, you could consider the whole poll thing conditional on the option that you have answered conditionally and sent in the optional question. Hope this clears things up a little.

What kind of nuts think up this stuff?
Beer Nuts©. Lots of Beer Nuts©.

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