5/5/97
Say Sparky, since sex has nothing to do with either birds or bees, why is it then that we refer to sex as "the birds and bees"?
-freakuent visitor-
A little know fact, sex wasn't actually discovered until 1653 when Italian artist Vermago Vaspuci was painting his now famous picture "Bird and Bee with Nude Woman." It seems that one day as Vemago was doing the finishing touches he accidentally tripped, fell on the woman, the bee stung him thus causing him to jerk around frantically on top of her, the bird flew up his butt, and BANG sex was born. Vermago was immediately arrested and spent his remaining years working diligently on his unpublished book "Birds and Bees, How to Have Sex Without Them"
-Sparky-
Dear Spanky, Why is dryer lint always blueish-purple no matter
what color clothes you are drying?
-LMS-
To save on manufacturing costs most dryer makers affix a Smurf to the side of the drum to blow on the clothes. Consequently, it's not actually lint, so much as pieces of Smurf Fur.
-Spanky-
Why do all the planets revolve around the sun? Wouldn't it make everything simpler if the planets stayed in one place and rotated?
-пип-
Dear пип, here's the generally accepted scientific theory: "The Planets revolve around the sun.... so they DON'T fly out of orbit." In reality, scientists have been fooling us for decades. There is no possible way that whizzing around the sun at billions of miles an hour could keep anything together, let alone nine really big round things. To disprove this ridiculous theory I went to the local playground and put nine willing toddlers on the merry-go-round thingy, then spun the hell out of it. The not too surprising result, (besides me being arrested) they flew right off. The real truth is that the planets are actually stationary, and all those little white dots in the sky are the ones moving around.
-Spanky-
How come they don't make mouse flavored cat food?
-Jadie-
Flashback 1974, Purina releases new line of super pet foods, mailman flavored dog chow, bug flavored Iguana chow, small child flavored crocodile chow and mouse flavored cat chow. February 1975, Washington Post releases new study on how fat and lazy American cats have become since the introduction of mouse flavored food. Purina scraps entire flavored line save the very popular fly chow.
-Sparky-
How do you recognize the grocery police? Sometimes when I have 11 items, I want to go through the "10 or less" aisle because all the others are slow, but I don't want to be arrested. So I need to know what grocery police look like so I'll only do it when they're not there. (Better yet, what do they NOT look like, so I'll know that they're not there?)
-anonymous visitor-
The grocery police are a wily bunch, so spotting them is out of the question. I suggest you try rubber banding your items together in bunches. Or another strategy is to pop an Alka Seltzer (isle 5) in your mouth, babble senselessly and you'll be checked out so fast that nobody will notice how many items you have. This trick also works if you just happen to be in a big hurry.
-Sparky-
Why do boys have nipples?
-Love Andrew Joseph (mom won't let me have my own E-mail address)-
So they have more stuff to pierce.
-Spanky-
Sparky,
Let's say (hypothetically) that you have some teenagers bound and gagged in a closet. How much watering do they require and should they get some sun every once in a while, or are they okay just in the dark like that?
-The Reverend Jough Approximately-
Dear Reverend, Storing people in the closet is always a little tricky. What I usually do is mount a giant "hamster like bottle" on the wall, and slide thincrust pizzas under the door. Also you will probably want to order pepperoni, as the bottom edge of the door knocks all the sausages off.
-Spanky-
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
-anonymous visitor-
Common misconception. They actually just leave a funny aftertaste.
-Sparky-
