Ow! Complaints Department

The Oldest Complaints

No, we're not doing any snappy comebacks in this part of the archive so get lost! Thanks... Thanks for nothin'
Mr. P.I.

nickel... *hrrrmph*... won't...*unnggh*.. .fit... too... tight... *sqeak** fwummp*...... ah there we go, now about my complaint, cr@mp is stupid, i'd prefer you call this place St@nk, the zine that smells ripe, btw, can i have my nickel back?

My prosate, it's the size of a buick I tell you.

My feet hurt, and nobody likes me.
Name Withheld ('cause we don't know it)

HEY that butt isn't big enough for my nickle. No wonder I can't get no quality service around here.

I know this does not sound like a complaint, but I love your site (no matter what the name is)! I could not believe that there would be any complaints, so I clicked over to read them and your smart alecky replies. Woe is me, there are no complaints, just a way to complain! The complaint page should have some of the complaints that have been sent in!

why do you want me to leave my e-mail? whyteshadow

Your webpage is way too "free!".

Dear Cranky,
I innocently write in asking for halloween help, and you tell me to be a penis? What will my neighbors think when I go trick-or-treating?

What sort of nae is CRAMP?
Name Withheld

You have Spanky and I don't!
Name Withheld

I'm complaining about the total lack of free porn available at this site. Everywhere else I go, it's porn Porn PORN! I come here, no porn. What gives, jerkies?
The reverend Jough Approximately

You know, you put in your nickle and you complain loudly and nothening ever changes. I told you to change the background in the rejected room, and you ignore me. I submit a question of the week and you don't even put it on the rejected page. I am soooooo hurt. Maybe I should just stop trying, but you are the one who told me to submit the question. Maybe, I should just keep filling up your mail box with the same question.

OK, this really isn't a complaint, it's a comment. Jackie O isn't REALLY trying to get out of the car in the Zapruder film, she's actually reaching for a piece of her husband's skull. I'm totally and completely serious. I swear on a stack of Ben Folds Five albums.
Fred The Stick Figure

Bring back Sparky and Spanky!

The rejected page's background color is just a little BRIGHT.

Can you change the background color? I stare at the red so long I go blind.
Name Withheld

why is today friday?
Name Withheld

I hate the "newest" name even more than the older new names. Cr@amp sounds like you have PMS and need to go visit the "Midol" zine. Change it to somethine less stoopid, Please!!! I am ashamed to be caught visiting.
sick and tired of your 'newness'

I wonder why the door-to-door sales man had a big smile on his face when i paid the $100 to access this site...????

There. What do I win?

no naked chicks
Name Withheld

Everything is just peachy. Yup, just perfect. Nice baseball bat. Give my regards to Dinky.

i have no complants. this is the best site i've ever been to.

Why can't we download the Halloween Extravaganza. Rest downloads OK

Alright now, i wrote the question about the eigth dwarf this week and you put my name as one of the dwarfs (that being jamjars. I don't wish to sound uppity but by-crikey this made me jolly mad. Could you please make up for this mistake with a full page apology. And can I borrow $5 for a box of tissues.

I think your complaint dept sucks.
Ima Moron

I can't click on the Naked Otters Link, and that really stinks!

Your site doesn't Suck enough. MAke it Suck-y-er. I COMMAND IT!!! Thank You
Jon Miller

My underware is too tight!

How come you guys don't give out free beer? What is this?

Fine, I'm ready to complain now